Don't Ever Go Away From Here
11:04 PM CST
Really, my head is spinning; I cannot believe I haven't shared much of anything for a whole month. really all that courses through my brain is emotion related. I cannot even seem to focus on anything ambitious. last week I was so out of it from sleeping for so long that I tripped over the lace at the bottom of my pants and fell face forward bringing my comforter down with me as I tried to stop myself causing the floor to shake as I fell in a heap. lovely. mom said it felt like that time the car crashed into the building. earthquake inducing. lord.
Besides that horrific display of patheticness, I haven't done anything besides listen to music and download music and make mixes. miiiixes now makes me think of hardcore porn. gah. it was such an innocent word. richard better not mention my turning innocent objects into naughty objects now ...at least I don't turn erm, innocent words into naughty ones or maybe the other is worse. I'm discussing this ...why?
This afternoon, grandma called and I got to talk to her. it had been awhile. I told her about my haircut which I still cannot believe I went out and did. ya see, after the actual event of going out, I become the person I was before cause the outing only occurred cause of some abnormal feeling in my brain which goes away with the giddiness. who knows when that spontaneous surge will come through me again; I mean, if y'all have been reading (though I try to hide my "problem" for the most part; not cause I'm ashamed, but cause it gets old - same as talking about blemishes or sinuses gets old), it took me almost two years to be able to get in the car. I've made it out to the garage; made it across the street; made it out to take photos, but never actually going anywhere. I never even notice I'm not doing something till I calculate and then freak out. that's why I try not to think about it or write about it.
My weight is sticking. this is one thing I'm proud of, if not for my blemishes, I'd be perfectly happy with where I am physically. I do wish I'd lose about an inch around my waist though and only for the shallow reason of fitting comfortably in my size 2 jeans ...yessuh... I did NOT pay $58 to have it be hard to sit down without feeling like I'm going to bust a gut. suuuure they button, but it takes wiggling to get them on. I haven't done that since that year when all I did was go out and eat fast food every afternoon and sometimes night if I was going to run errands with Teri and back to her place to muddle about. I was around 115lbs then and that's the most I've ever weighed in my life. I'm less than that now, but ya know, I wore like a size 7-9 then, soooo....buying a size 2 makes me think of the jean wiggle from back then.
I LOVE my jcrew clothing though, so I'm not returning any of it. in fact, the outfit I was wearing in the hair photos was from there. the top was $34 (or $32; I forget) though it looks just like a regular tshirt cause of my cam's shoddy quality. mom said it even felt expensive, so that's somethin' ....it has a tie at the bottom and a thread design of some sort (tucks?) along the neckline plus it's made out of some silky material, so yes, not just an ordinary shirt.
Someone tell me WHY I'm discussing clothing after a hiatus?!?
My S and Carissa's Wierd albums came in last week. pleasant listening ever since. they were definitely worth the $10; if you want the address to send money to to get albums, too (ALOT of frikkin to/too's there...gah! all I need is a 'two' to complete the set), let me know; it saves the time of emailing them for it, though they replied back in 24hrs.
Lots of mix cds with songs of theirs on it for people. it's too bad that richard and Will didn't ask later or I would've stuck some S on ...S is the solo of the girl singer in Carissa's Wierd; quite melodic.
I just now realised I went off on a tangent and left with it. before grandma called, this afternoon, I had my first dream I remembered in awhile; I mean, since the Snoop Dogg one which I'd rather not discuss and no, it wasn't sexual. just odd. there were dogs in it, too. anyway, it involved a house on the street of my old neighbourhood (why? ...bah... I don't particularly like being reminded of there) and Sagiv (loooong past ex net bf) lived there. it was raining like crazy and I was standing on the doorstep. I recall standing there before actually. I think a girl I knew in middle school lived there and we'd listen to Warren G in her room some nights and then Carlos would come to the window and we'd talk to him and I think I'd even hop out the window and follow him off down the street; ahhh memories of '94 ...sheesh.
Anyhow, we were still seeing each other in the dream I guess. I never even met him in real life if no one remembers. we'd just talk on the phone alot. okay, so, we were in his room which looked different from the room in the girl's house, but anyway ....the rain poured in a cascade pattern down the windowsill and the light left a slight glow surrounding the room. he whispered about things being okay and I just laid there and seemed sad. I think there were people out in the hallway, but we never came out; just stayed hidden back there. nothing really happened in a perverse sense; just laying there in the quiet while a few words were muttered. I woke up from that with some intense frustration/hate on my mind. I don't know why. maybe it had to do with writing who my enemies were a couple nights ago and how I wrote that he was sort've one for awhile for choosing her and quite frankly for calling me names; I had forgotten the control issues. bah. really now, I find the whole thing rather absurd and something that I shouldn't have put up with in the first place. I was naive and just didn't like not having drama. stupid stupid. sometimes, yes, I despise my 15yr old self, but that's gone, so I shouldn't think about it.
The hateful feeling continued into this afternoon, but not during the grandma conversation. I was quite happy talking to her cause I briefly forgot the dream since I didn't have time to process it. I even mentioned how me and richard almost met; she didn't know about that and for some reason I think she likes hearing my boy stories of sorts. she asked what happened to Jorge and I forgot I mentioned him before. I told her that we still talked, but he probably wasn't coming back over anytime soon and that was the end of the story there. then she told me to make sure I ate a snack before dinner and I muttered some stuff then I got to talk to grandpa who tried to convince me to come back with him to Ohio if he came here for Easter. I declined politely though he asked "what if we had two computers? eh? eh? we'll catch up with you yet!" bwah! he's always trying to entice me with computers :)
So, anyway, after I talked to grandma more about clothing, my haircut and forum politics (she likes hearing about that too; heh), I told her I was going to get more to drink and we said our goodbyes. upon returning, shaun messaged me soon afterwards sayin' he had some songs he wanted to send me. I said fine, whatever. there was a firewall problem and I got abit irate. finally that was fixed and I got one song, said it was interesting and offered him a song in return. he declined saying he was downloading a rather large file and tried sending me another file. I got more than abit upset at his refusal of a song; I mean, I don't know what's up with me, but maybe it wasn't him. it's just the way he always acts, so it can't be that.
I argued my point that sending a file and recieving one takes up the same amount of memory IMO; at least on my computer and he argued that the two were different and it wasn't the same. it seemed rather stupid. finally after I was abit more than bitter - finding it rather rude to give me two files and not accept one of mine like he only wants to talk when he wants to share his stuff - he told me to 'sit there and chill for a sec' ...wtf?? I think I was reminded of Sagiv's controlling ways and the dream and ugh, I got so fucking pissed off and said "that is entirely rude ...I'm sorry" and he said "hun don't be like that" and I said "I can be anyway I damn well please as long as it doesn't hurt anybody" and I think I'm correct in that assumption. so, yes, I have issues I didn't know I had, but whatever. I still think I'm right in this case.
The guest is coming this weekend. I wonder if there will be any porn on cinemax. sometimes everything is too predictable.
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