My moods drop drastically in a matter of seconds lately. I am very concerned about this simply for the fact that nothing ever gets done and life cannot be bettered when I'm wanting to yell at every sentence spoken to me.

They've Captured Us!
10:12 PM CST

Now, now, this isn't everyone - just certain people get on my nerves. surprisingly mom hasn't been angering me lately, but maybe that's cause I haven't mentioned wanting to spend money for awhile. it's just certain people. like that guy on icq who called me angel and said I was sexy one night; he just seemed rather blunt and we hardly ever talk, so I found it crude. funnily enough, I cannot call it 'creepy old man' words since he's younger than me. gah. I guess 'creepy young man' words'll work for now.

Perhaps it's my pet peeve that no one except friends I know who are joking can call me such phrases as 'sexy' or 'angel' or any other term such as 'baby' ...ergh. I hate the term 'baby' makes me think that the guy thinks I'm stupid and the only reason he's speaking to me is so that he can call me 'trophy girl' ....don't ask where I come up with these insights, but that's just how I see it. perhaps they just call everyone 'baby' and I am unaware, but it seems very 'pick girls up-like' ...I'm not wrong in that assumption I gather. I mean, I don't know, who else uses such blech sugary sweet icky terms. I hate that. I don't mind if friends do it since if they do like me, at least they don't belittle me and I know they aren't creepy.

Anyway, that's just one thing that has bothered me in the past few days. there's also what happened yesterday with the lj userpics debacle. I couldn't get my images small enough if I tried. I assume either they dislike me or don't like jpgs since gif worked. I just disliked how it broke up the photo to some ugly disfigurement. I'm having enough self conscious issues as it is lately. anyway, here are the photos; I may use them in the next layout for the bio perhaps - whenever the next layout happens:

this photo was an accident, but it looks like I'm hungover

I honestly was just staring intently; I like how I look like I'm saying 'hey you! yeah you!  shut the fuck up!

I like how my hair falls here - and no I'm not wearing a frikkin' bandana!!!

They're all in b/w cause it's more artsy and it hides the blemishes well. ya know, most my photos, I pose to the right - the blemishes reside on the left. I'm such a genius in making myself look okay...hah!


The guest gave mom a massage while I listened to music in my chair trying to ignore them. of course, I couldn't once I heard mom give slight moans sayin' "this is heavenly" ...I was thinking 'ew' ...he only put two fingers into her back and rubbed back and forth. I bet if I did it, mom wouldn't like it. he got into many other positions and even rubbed with his feet and into her hairline; I was thinking I should not be in the room. hmmm. they completely ignored my prescence till I said, "wha? ten years?" it apparently meant he added ten years onto her life. lovely, but keep quiet about it next time.

Afterwards, since it was slightly sunny (still chilly though), I went outside with mom to get the mail in the outfit I'm wearing in the photos; grey tank with red floral design in corner, black sweater jacket thing, and flare jeans with the maryjanes. I looked like I was about to walk the streets of NYC; not get the mail, but whatever. there was none for me; just two payments for mom. I skipped across and mom stared at me like I was insane. the guest ran behind me - it was like getting the mail was an event.

The guest started banging on the mailboxes yelling something out about Tenchi and where is the blablabla and then he pointed at the lightpost and said "aah! we've been captured!" I found the end bit to be hilarious since it was all improv to him. mom found it embarassing, but laughed anyway. he then ran to the neighbours driveway and up to their garage while mom said, "no, don't do it...don't go over there" and he started tapping on the garage sayin' "we have two R's ...can you solve the puzzle?" mom said "raging retard?" hee! she's so high school with that phrase.


The fun ended after that. well, okay, after I got my McD's fries, it ended. I was completely bored, cold and sad, frustrated cause of the photo mishap which I messed with for hours. I even crawled into bed around 11:30pm and pulled the covers up for awhile; I got up around midnight thinking, when they returned, they'd think I was ill to be in bed already. see? I can't completely solve my insomnia simply cause if I go to bed before 1am at least, then I'm considered sick.

I looked at a few sites in complete boredom and went into some trance; then I started to feel really down. I can feel myself go into a stupor and feel like crying. I can feel the shift from contentment to despair. I don't know why it happens, but it does. if it's dark, I'm alone and no one is around, I feel like crying. sometimes I don't even want real company. I just want a phonecall or someone to say they care and talk to me till I feel better online.

At least Will was there at some point - I was reallly hungry all of the sudden after reading about chips and guacamole. his comment that I was a fathead made me laugh. he saved me from erm, crying. yeah.


Slept till 11am and missed cartoons even after I wrote a big speech of a letter to myself at squishettes about that. it got to be 5am and I was tired of reading, so I turned the light off saying I was just going to lay there for two more hours and then it would be cartoon time. apparently I closed my eyes at some point and I missed them. that made me abit miffed and so I stayed in bed till 3:30pm sort've moping.

Got up with my throat all hurty and my ears draining, so that was fun, yeah. I spent the day downloading Of Montreal songs. that was enjoyable at least. the songs made me laugh and I sent Gia the short one about Tim. she said it was hilarious. yay! I hadn't talked to her in awhile, so yeah, fun fun.

Had mashed potatoes and now I sit here feeling sort've ill and cold. perhaps I'll have a drink and think about what I'm not doing.

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sooooo much cuteness it's unreal. Makes me want to hand you a razor and watch you go crazy!

- 03.24.2002 04:50 AM - HeinZ 57


um, richard?

- 03.24.2002 03:12 PM - Amber


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