september 26, 2000
maybe I'm someone's shadow
and nice weather
okay, for some reason today's episode of Tenchi really clicked with me. I felt the retched terror of realising you don't remember anything in the past [talking about sakuya here even though I still dislike her]. now, of course, this is absurd. it's a cartoon!! she's the shadow of the evil one yugi! it's not for real. no conspiracies here. I remember most things that have happend, I have a family and I appear in photographs; even group shots. okay, so it's not something I should click with and understand the horror.
unfortunately I feel that feeling to a small degree. first off, with remembering things. I hardly remember any of my childhood. nothing. when I see pictures, when I see home videos. I laugh and point and all, but I don't think of it being me doing whatever I was doing. I just picture myself as a character. someone else. I do remember the slight icky taste of beer though. just the taste...whenever I smell beer, I remember that taste. I don't remember actually drinking it or being there, but yes. I still am rather upset about it. I'm not from the trailer parks. giving children beer isn't right. three year olds!! dad found it humourous!! see the reason why I dislike him sometimes?? hmm...
anyway, the other thing that clicked with me was the invisibility factor. the fact that sometimes I feel that I'm not even here. I'm not sitting here typing. I'm not reading. I'm the creation of some higher being. some mechanical creation that can't comprehend the outer world. all that belongs is the techincal digital world. hey, I know my electronics!! that's something odd since I don't read the manuals. I just put all the plugs in the correct places and magic begins. I'm the mechanical being of someone's imagination. hah!! that is so comical. as I type this out, I feel posessed really. I don't know exactly what I'm saying, but anyway, I feel that invisibility factor to a more human degree, too.
I get ignored. sure, we all do at times ya say. this bothers me to a big degree. when someone ignores me, I know that I must have done something wrong or I'm too lowly of a person to be greeted nicely to, so no reason to answer at all. I know these thoughts all too well, since I myself have ignored people on icq for the exact reason that I couldn't be bothered to say something nice. that's not what I'm talking about here though. I mean, people who have spoken nicely to you before and who could have been your friend. they ignore you one day. what happened? what did you do? this is what brings on the thought that maybe you never existed. it was all your imagination that someone cared. put the mechanical hard cold hearted suit on and put on a frosty smile. things will be okay.
the fact that I'm even comparing myself to someone's shadow or a mechanical being really says alot about how I think. some people think I'm strange and don't get me. that's why I must put the short answered normal person facade on. I say normal everyday things, I laugh, put emoticons in my speech and no one's the wiser to what I really think about in my head.
the weather has made my attitude atad better today. actually, since I saw the temperature of 58 degrees last night, I've been beaming with joy. it seems fall might come alittle earlier this year and I couldn't be happier about this. I might have never told you, but spring and fall are the best times of the year for me. I love the cool breezy sunny weather of fall and the just right weather of the spring with blooming flowers. of course, I don't see much of the actual obvious fall weather attribute: leaves. I don't really notice when they change colour and flutter to the ground. I used to crush them under my foot when walking to the busstop though. I used to be entranced by the ground then. I didn't take in the beauty of the weather changes or whatever. as long as there was something to crush or lines in the sidewalk to hop over, I was happy. I guess I never noticed this at the time. not until heather had called me low self esteem girl in eleventh grade. she said it was because I always stared at the ground when I walked. I was surprised and realised that is just what I always did.
I tested myself to see if I could take a whole journey without staring at the ground. I kept my eyes focused at sea level. I felt wobbly and not at all comfortable. I knew that if I didn't look at the ground I might step on something icky or kick someone's foot by accident. we can just say, the test didn't have good results. I sometimes walk with my head held high, but not for a whole trip and not because I have high self esteem..haha.
still, nice weather, hope sunny bright days continue and cool weather hath commenced [I hope it's not a fluke]!
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