october 04, 2000
the eternal set of gloom
and within - the light!


not alot seems to be going on, but in my mind and body and surroundings, things seem different or not as bearable as they once were. I'm not sure what it is, but I always have this strain around my eyes and when I shut them, I struggle to hold back but the burning surrounds, takes over, and I can feel the wetness fall down my cheeks. the cold sets in on my hands and I wonder what happened. why I always hold back and I don't want to try anything. don't presume you know what I'm talking about, but know this. I can be too dramatic when I want to be.

ever since dad's friend stopped by last week with dad for a visit, I've felt alittle insecure. I felt lesser than [not during the visit, but later] and that because I use aol and don't know how my computer works or can download movies that are still in the theatre, that I'm not as smart. dad's friend is the most egotistical person I have ever met not counting dad since dad can be quite like that when he wants to be. at least when it comes to trivia and the such. this guy was egotistical about what he could do on the net. sooo sure of himself; telling me to take this back and this and look at my handheld computer, look at my modem, aren't I cool? I'm better. I'm smarter. I'm the sexiest person on earth!

I'm sorry, but I can't stand those types of people. at first, before I had ever met him, I thought hmm maybe we can be become friends or aquaintances and talk on icq about computers. I have many people I do this with already and they are very, very helpful, but I figured, since he knew dad, we could become aquaintances. instead, I don't know. I just see him chuckling to himself and admiring himself in the mirror whenever he speaks to me. then he has the nerve to say that he thought I was sorta cute and not to tell my dad. not that I talk to dad often, but that was uncalled for in the first place. 30 year olds are not supposed to be like that. he seemed like he was trying to get with me or something. then he insults me and says, "anywaaaay, I'm going to go play pool. don't you ever get out?"

I've already vented to my last end about dad's friend, so I'll save the rest. it just makes me feel really ashamed and awful. I now keep myself on invisible all night hoping to be left alone. not that he can see my invisible symbol anyway. he accused me of being stupid inadvertantly by saying that he was never wrong and I just didn't have it on. fucker!

I was quite ill all weekend. I still can't eat like I usually can. I eat out of neccessity [not a total lack of food like last year; I can't afford that after I worked my ass off to gain the weight back I did] since I never feel really hungry. I just sit and feel gloomy, holding my breath, hoping I don't feel sick again. I didn't do anything to take care of the illness though. I didn't even get realllly sick. I just felt nauseous and couldn't move or eat. nothing happened, but I pride myself on holding back. some people can make themselves sick just to get it over with, but I just lay in misery, holding my breath. it goes away, but then there's always the chance it'll come back because nothing was rid of. maybe it was just a slight virus. I can't worry over these things, but I do. I start to think that if I never was to go anywhere again it wouldn't matter. my head could magically combust in the air and no one would be there to see it, so therefore it would be okay. I lose my head emotionally all the time.

I'm trying not to think about sickness or going out or the like though. the more I think about these things, the more it'll screw with my mind and make it a reality. the more I try to think of getting better and moving about as usual, it should disappear.

so, anyway, there is a slight glimmer of something within the sorrow. I got paid a nice sum of money for the yoga site since mom said some things to make her feel abit bad about the situation. I still have to change it, I suppose, but at least I have some money right now. $50 isn't much to me, but it is something. it's almost laughable that she liked the layout I did on this zip disk for her site back in webmastering class senior year. that was very very plain. I just did it to pass the class. I mean, it was high standards for them, but now I am much, much better at this sort of thing. anyway, the way she says she wants colour and the like is laughable since that layout only was black and white. maybe she remembers it differently, but really, the layout I did now has more colour than that one did!! the only difference is that that one was in frames. I'm not going that route again.

I'm just so babbly right now, I can't even think straight. all I know is that crying is all I think about even when there's something good going on. it's a deeper thing I think. I almost cried when I saw one of my orders on amazon was canceled because they couldn't get it. I almost cried when I realised I might have to spend more money somewhere else to get it. I almost cried the other day when ethan quit the team. I almost cried when there was no one on my list. I shed one tear when there was only one piece of email in my inbox and it was an Emazing internet tip. gosh, I am such a freak.

one person who makes me smile lately is Josh. he is the most animate with me right now [not counting "The Spook" but since they are cousins or something it makes sense]. everyone else is so cold and concrete lately. just statuesque. no personality at all is emitted from half the people on my list. it's just a hi and bye and nothing much inbetween.

maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to tell dad's egotistical friend that Josh is my boyfriend. that'll teach him!

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