august 31, 2000
this heat
and being abandoned [plus other random anecdotes]


I hate this heat, ya know? everyone talks and talks about it, I know, but it just never ends!! my clothing is sticking to me, my hair is sticking up and I feel woozy. I can't breathe. it got up to 109 degrees today! 109!!! what da hell is that about?!? I'm glad I didn't step outside. mom had to go to the store and the usual post office, so she got a taste of the heat. she said it actually felt like 120 out there. ugggghh.

at least this time I'm not wearing pants. I was smart enough not to, even though I hate myself in shorts. it had to be done. no one is seeing me anyway, so it's best to be comfortable. all I did all day was work on my extensive layout for the weblog site. it is coming out nicely. I just am not sure how I'm going to get all the pages to match, but have different titles..all of that jazz. ah well, it'll work out somehow. I just will keep copying codes till I pass out. it keeps me busy and stops me from thinking about the heat.

there were kids with disabilities on maury today. I hardly ever watch maury but it's after days of our lives and sometimes I have it on in the background as I do something else. anyway, this one girl from england comes on the show who is allergic to water. to water people!!! that means even if she sweats, she could get blisters on her skin. I'm wondering how she can drink anything since most things are part water. I didn't question the shower deal after they showed that process. it was rather sad. I realised she can't even cry about it because she could blister up from that too. I felt horribly bad for her and thanked the heavens I wasn't born that way. her mom seemed proud of her though. I mean, she's one strong little girl for enduring that!!!

anyway, I went off on a tangent. that whole paragraph just made me cry from writing it. ::wipes face:: okay...well, the air just popped on. I feel much better now. less sticky that's for sure..aaaaah.

well, the other thing I wanted to talk about [this is the day for tangents since it's just a filler entry of sorts] was about everyone leaving me. I mean, everyone has gone back to school or on the verge of doing so. things have slowed down online immensely. I get through with my bookmarks faster. now you know the reason why I've been working on my layout this whole week since I usually procrastinate on everything. there's nothing better to do with my time!! it makes me abit sad even though I'm getting work done and it's keeping me busy and all. I just miss the way things were before. chattering for hours, staying up late. I still stay up late, but it's quieter and I go to bed earlier than usual because I can't stand the silence. last year I didn't notice this gradual change since I was busy traveling to ohio and being without a computer. I was the one who had disappeared then. and the years before, well, I was still in school, so nothing seemed different. I was too busy then. that's the one downer of being out of school and not having a job. everyone else moves on with their normal routines while I stay in vacation mode alone. I was thinking about the secretary idea again. if only I could do an interview, had a resumé and didn't panic, I could be a secretary. I have the requirements for it. I know how to work in an office. I can type fast. ah well. I guess that's a thought for another time. I need to accomplish basic things for now.

I doubt any of this makes sense. I think it's the heat messing with my brain. the air comes and goes I say!!! well, I've been having strange dreams lately. in one, I'm getting my haircut and I'm having no panic, I'm calm and I feel I'm accomplishing something. I tell the lady what I want and realise I don't have a picture. she doesn't want to cut my bangs the way I say to do it. I say I want them angled and she says, 'no, that'll ruin your hair!' I feel a lump in my throat and I want to cry. I run out to this magazine stand and look at pictures to find the bangs I want frantically and wake up. what a crock. the next dream dealt with more mysterious guys who want me. how typical. I think I end up tricking one of them so I can get the other one first or whatever. I'm a devious trickster in my dreams. I can be one in real life too, but it doesn't help me like in my dreams. today's dream sucked. it's not even worth mentioning. just about me searching for a video and I can't find it. I don't know what I'm looking for. just a video. I pick up some horror flick and take it to the counter and as she's ringing it up, I panic and I don't want it and realise I'll scare myself and won't be able to sleep. I want to stop the process. I want to take it back for something else. I wake up around this time. how stupid!

I think I blame all of this subconcious thinking and this whole entry on the heat. it's always something!

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