august 23, 2000
hypothetical essay on being open vs just repressing
and updates on the stalking deal


tonight I had thoughts running through my head, so I must write it down since it sounds good. yes good.

there's a line between baring all and keeping everything inside until a bomb explodes inside you and you want to scream. you know you can't tell what's all on your mind though. each time you want to say something ridiculous, you stop yourself if you have that wall up. you know the type who have a wall up and the types who don't. it's just sorta obvious when someone seems like they're holding back. would you really tell someone that when you listen to she's like the wind you picture yourself twirling in the moonlight with the one you love who could never even stare back at you. he could never care about you the way he does when you're twirling off the page in your dreams, huh. well, you couldn't tell him that and you couldn't tell any sane person that information because they'd laugh at you and tell you you live in the clouds and maybe you should block out emotion or you'll never survive.

picture yourself being naughty, forsaking those sappy thoughts. just fucking to fuck. tell people you want to fuck in a phonebooth. tell them the position you are picturing; sit on his lap and lean in close, the people walking by on the streets wouldn't know what you were doing. anyway, if you told people this they'd say "right on!" and laugh with you and not at you. that's what you want. you want to be thought of as free and rebellious and not a sappy little girl living in her dreams of romance. that's cliché!

of course, then you always go back to those romantic thoughts and weep in your corner for what you'll never have and that is love. so what is better? staying in dreams and never having contact with anyone or going for someone you don't care about just to feel powerful? that is the question.

now, to go back to me since we were being, no matter how big I talk, I'm not as naughty as you think [not at all touching, no hugs, no kisses, no nada. I haven't sat on someone and whispered 'shhh sleep' in awhile; I felt powerful then]. I dream too much. I want power at times. I still regret not dumping one of my ex internet boyfriends first. I had the idea in my head and then I open my inbox [year:1997] one night and see a lovely little regard saying "maybe we're better off seeing other people. you're great, but I want to date girls in my area. bye!" that was lovely really. I wasn't mad about what he had said since that was fine with me as I'd been thinking about saying the same things, but he said them first!!! that's what bothered me. I wanted the power of dumping him. I wanted the satisfaction. not that he was a bad guy, but I had never had the power of saying 'screw you!' even in a nice way. I know that makes me sound petty and mean, but it just makes me vulnerable not to have had that chance. I wouldn't just see someone to dump them, but being the dumpee isn't nice either. it's bound to happen unless you get married. I proclaim to not get married anytime soon if at all, so it's fine. right now I'm lucky if I even get someone. as I've said many a time, I could end up the cat lady on the corner.

so what have we learned from this jumble of text? repressing=fucking in phonebooths; being open=telling all about your sappy daydreams; power=dumping someone. this makes me look bad doesn't it? I really am just trying to make a point and it came out wrong. erm, but really, it all makes abit of sense if you read it all in a blur.
on another note, the stalker situation I discussed on my weblog on sunday seems to be over with. the guy has deleted his icq name and there's no way of me contacting him to cuss him out somemore and he hasn't contacted me under a new name, so I presume everything is cool there. I was abit paranoid on monday when I was left home alone again, but mom reassured me later on that he wouldn't be able to find the address to the house since it's not under my last name. he'll find dad's house and that is fine with me!! dad can make a new friend...hah! he has enough of those young'uns hanging around him.

I will watch myself on icq from now on though. I have my little group of people and maybe I shouldn't widen the circle and let in those who randomly message me. I can't take the chance now. not that someone couldn't stalk me in another way, but this is one way to stop the paranoia for awhile. if I don't know they are after me, I won't accidently cut my toes anymore!

and really, nothing is that bad in my life right now even if I try to make myself seem deep. I can get weepy during tenchi when ryoko says she's lonely though and I say, "yeah, I hear ya sistah!" that's when I know I'm losing it.

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