august 13, 2000
and why I want to disappear sometimes
the weekend didn't seem right, nothing really seemed normal. the normal routine things didn't occur and this desk is at a non-feng shui angle. maybe that's where half the bad vibes are coming from, but it's more than that. it felt like the twilight zone. no one on aim, no one on icq, not much mail except for one good piece today. I just want to know if I'm just partially invisible or if it's just been a busy weekend and no one had the time to start anything.
on another note, the modem died friday night during the storm. I almost had the urge to go out [ya know, get my haircut, do stuff I've been putting off since the computer always interferred..] to have something to do besides sit on my ass and stare at a blank screen or whatever sport happened to be showing on the television. I bashed those thoughts though because I felt it would be a bad idea. my allergies are kicking in full [what the hell is that phrase, I swear, my brain is fuzzy but is it 'full scale' or 'full out' or eh..forget it] now and I kept sneezing all over the place and my head feels heavy and I can't swallow without getting that queasy bitter taste feeling going down. I hope I'm not catching something since mom gave warning that she might be coming down with something. I don't need that.
of course, it's okay about the computer modem since we got it back and now it has 56K speed and all but it doesn't seem to go any faster and it makes ridiculous noises. the desk still isn't moved back to the wall yet [as mentioned in above paragraph]. it's at a diagonal angle and I feel squashed even though there is plenty of room. it's just not civilised this way. mom explained that she has to clean back there so it won't go back till that happens. ah well. I'll try to ignore it...
I make no sense, I wrote all my good stories in a seven page letter to ethan. some of it was bullshit and could've been avoided. it was just filler and I could have said all I needed to on one page. the point is that, the stories made it become more than just a reply to a previous letter. it's a masterpiece of crap is what it is and erm, I think I'm rather impressive with how much I came up with to talk about in my boredom of no computer day [yesterday]. I played CTR in between writing this piece and during that time, it sounded like I was trying to write weblog postings..craaazy. I wrote one liners and all, that when read all in one piece, it sounds like I'm on something. well, whatever..maybe I was. high on boredom is what it was....
I spoke to lindsey about my radiohead bootlegs and imports again this afternoon. I tried to keep the peace..I stayed calm as I tried to explain why I wanted them back without becoming passive. if I don't fight, I will never get them back. really, I got more bullshit about it as usual and I know it's not lindsey's fault, but she should make this angela girl [diff angela than in cast listing] either burn the disks and return them like, right now or return them without doing so. I don't care. I don't even get anything in return for this. I mean, I didn't even want them being lent out!! they are priceless to me. I wouldn't go and buy more since that's just wasting money on something I already bought once. lindsey seemed abit peeved with me when I tried to explain it all and she just kept giving me stories about not having cds she lent out returned yet either. the point is, I never allowed them to be lent out. I must have been sedated since I didn't know they were missing till I was home. just bullshit. anyway...I downloaded one song off napster that was on the rarities disk to remember them by. if I don't get them back soon, it's WAR!! on angela or whoever has them!! eh..
sooo not much to really say that hasn't been said already. nothing but searching and never finding, writing and never coming to a point, playing a game I have no intention of ever being serious about, and thinking of ways I could disappear which is a contradiction of being invisible.
yes, I'd like to disappear at times as everyone knows. then again, sometimes I want to be noticed and I feel depressed for not getting the attention. it's a whole contradiction upon contradiction when it comes to me. just never believe a word I say since I always retract it..haha. some things I haven't let up on, but I'd rather not discuss that since it is private. anyway, I came to this conclusion about wanting to disappear because it hit me hard that no matter what you do and how well you take care of yourself, you still die! I knew this before, but I never tried to imagine myself going through it. I just thought of it as something other people were going to end up doing; not me. I realised one day I will die and it could be soon or it could be later. it's still going to happen and it scared me. I don't want to die but then I don't want to suffer through sicknesses and crap to get at a dead end either. I just don't like where this is going...it's just so depressing.
the point of all of this, is that there isn't a point. not a point to anything I do or don't do or whatever since we all just end up dying. eh, just a shitty occurance. maybe I'm thinking of all of this because I feel icky right now and all I can think of are not so pleasant thoughts.
I should really go sketch something for ethan's letter package of sorts since this isn't going anywhere.
one thing still is true though ...it was a straaaange weekend.
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