july 31, 2000
and tenchi fanfics are invigorating


I thought up a very good point last night before falling asleep [damn insomnia; I thought up many good thoughts but this one I remember sorta]. I realise that I'm not depressed, not in the sort even though I do try too hard to be funny all the time. that isn't the point. I'm still not depressed. I'm not happy or content most of the time either. sometimes I feel so devastated and I feel like crying for no reason. I'm not depressed though. I don't want to die or disappear right now. I just have this feeling inside me that tells me something good will come and I have to stay tuned to see what happens. to see this supposed good thing. it hasn't come yet and it seems so out of reach, which leaves me stagnant. it leaves me wanting more, it leaves me wondering if the feeling inside me is lying to me and I will wish I had just found a way to disappear.

sometimes, with certain conversation, I feel this something good could come tomorrow, but I'm deluding myself since it won't. it's always tomorrow. and then tomorrow turns into a year. hah! time goes by really fast. I remember how alone I felt last summer. all I'd do was lay in my bed, helpless without food thinking of when the day I die would be. it felt so soon since I refused to eat, I could feel hopeful thoughts withering. it was an awful summer I wish I could forget. of course, a week into august, brought good cheer and a slow recovery. I guess I can say august was okay despite certain occurences with panic which I have no matter the year or month or season.

some lyrics bring tears to my eyes like these from the get up kids and babybird. eh, I've been a sappy sap lately:

Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't ever worry. Your arms in mine, anytime. I wouldn't trade anything. You're still my everything.. // I'm not fully convinced that there's something wrong with this. Could another point of view, biased and untrue, tear me away from you? Will you be my valentine if I'm a world away? // it's not that you've gone away. it's that I've never met you. but I wish that you'd come back to me. just like the night turns blue. just like the night turns blue. take me in your arms again. blame me for everything. whispering sweet nothings in your ear. just like a dead bird sings.

hmm so yes, I don't know what comes over me sometimes. maybe it's remembering old memories, wishing for more. feeling atad lonely wondering when the permananent stangnant period will be up. eh, maybe it never will be and I'll die thinking of these sordid "memories". gosh, I'm vulgar.

anyway, I've been reading those tenchi fanfics for the past week and a half or more. they're quite fun and even those bring tears in my eyes on certain phrases, but some of it was hilarious nonetheless. I'm up to chapter nine right now. the chapter before this dealt with mecha-tenchiA and mecha-tenchiB, but B got murdered in the shopping centre in front of everyone and his head got ripped off. that was embarassing for ryoko since now she's a suspect in "killing" the robot. the lavender room scene was great too when they tied the real tenchi up while he waited for mecha-tenchi to finish his perseverance in the sauna room with the girls..ya know what I'm talkin about? hehe. soo yes, these fanfics and the yoga site have taken my mind off of sad matters for at least half of each day. it's mostly at night that thoughts get sad and feelings come out, but that's the same for everyone.

I talked to dad earlier, but that's nothing bigtime. my back and leg hurts immensely right now. I think I slept wrong since it hurt since I got up. it just seems worse now..ugh. anyway, I wasn't saying much to dad while he talked about jury duty and stuff. I just asked about carlos and all [I should have thought to ask if he was still here or not but I didn't...argh!]. I asked what he meant by "bigger" and he said he just looks like himself but bigger, more muscular, and was all like, "he's a man now ya know?" gee, I'm older than he is by a couple months, but I guess it supposedly means guys turn into men but girls don't change much sometimes soo it's no big deal for me not being any different. I do admit I shed some baby fat soo that's something!! I do have some changes damnit!!! anyway, dad said he had a tattoo on his arm that said 'soldier' and it's supposedly from his "gang" days [like he had gang days..I still don't believe that whole thing]. mom said dad had said it was in blue soo he could have just marked it on himself with a blue pen since she thinks carlos is too chicken for a real tattoo. ya never know though. carlos could have gotten stronger in will since we last saw him.

so, yes, it's nice to think of carlos being older and stopping by no matter that I didn't get to see him. maybe he is still here. I don't know that either. maybe it's for the better since I still need to change more before he sees me. I keep thinking of impressions and sure, I can't make a "first" impression since that already happened years ago in third grade. he yelled at me to give him back the ball I stole off the street. I cried. badbadbad. but kiddy first impressions are different. an impression after years of not seeing each other make more of a difference. I need to gain more weight and I need to do something with my hair. I need to have something to make him jealous..haha. just kidding on that one but I always dreamt of making him slightly jealous but that would never occur.

so, yeah, that brings me back to how stagnant I am and how nothing has really changed. which brings me back to why I'm not depressed. I'm just reaching out for what I think could make me happy when the truth is they only last awhile and the feeling always dies in the end.

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