july 25, 2000
keep options open
and love's a one way street for me, isn't it?


I'm without health insurance right now, well, we signed some forms so I can have it but it takes ten days to process. mom said she might have read something about a pelvic exam to get in..I DON'T THINK SO!! that's all I have to say about that. if there isn't a way out of it, then goodbye health insurance that I never had!!

I feel extra cautious without the insurance there. I watch myself when going down the steps afraid of some injury that would insue some health insurance like breaking a leg or whatnot. getting malaria. if I wasn't a hypochondriac before, I am one now. I have never went to the hospital and I've only been to ER a couple times and only once as a patient. haven't been to the doctor since the last shot five years ago...you can say, I just wouldn't go if I really was dying. I just want the safety of having health insurance. just there as a backup. without it I feel unarmed, like going into a battle without my shield ya know? it's an awful feeling.

take bathrooms for instance..yes bathrooms. say they're all occupied for even three minutes tops. I don't have to go or anything, but I feel that having them all occupied at once is bad. there's no safety netting in case in the next two minutes the feeling arises where I need the bathroom and there's no options. there's not one unoccupied and I'd just die. you might not know this, but I think about this bathroom thing waaay too often. we have three of them and there's only two of us, but I feel that one day they will all be occupied and I'll be screwed. I had this fear more when they were visiting here back in june. there was more a chance of them all being occupied. horrid thought lemme tell ya...

what all this boils down to is that I like that safety net just in case anything happens. I like to keep my options open. I don't like not having a choice in any given matter. I don't know what brought on this thought. maybe it's this whole health insurance debacle. I just hate the fact that I can't stay on dad's plan because I've reached the age where I no longer fit the requirements unless I'm attending school which I'm not. this is just screwy.

anyway, I've went off topic. options open. yes...of course, when it comes to love it's a different story. once I find someone, I do not want to consider anyone else which is the only exception. I cannot go into details about what I'm talking about, but I can say that I still won't consider anyone else. it's impossible once my mind is set. someone could probably pop through my ceiling and admit undying feelings for me that went on for years and if I'm smitten on someone else, I'd just sorta say, "erm, so? could you hold on. I'm dreaming of someone else right now who doesn't even care." I once spent three years just concentrating on ways to get one person...a bad trait of mine, yes? it melts my brain to think that I can't be loved and garsh, I prevent it sometimes. I used to keep people out and not because I wanted to keep my options open, but because I just didn't want to let anyone in because then it would become too close. I'd have to see them all the time. I wouldn't be able to have my space. I'd go crazy!! it's one thing for me to dream about that stuff but when I'm in actual contact with people too long, I'm wishing for them to leave so I can dream about them in peace. hahaha. how ironic!

this made me think of something. thinkthinkthink. yes! anyway, I thought of something. I remember when I used to stare soo hard at carlos as he watched his animal shows back in tenth grade and would dream about what I would do to him. he never noticed. I practically bore a hole in his head with how hard I was staring at him. so intently it hurt my brain. he wouldn't even notice me there and he thought I liked animal shows because I never threw a fit or asked to change the channel. I'd just sit there like a rock, so very still and stare. I liked doing this though. since he was into his show, he didn't see me doing it. I don't know what I'd do if he had stared back. I'd prolly do a bad job of covering it up. why even bring this up??? he's gone. nothing became of it and maybe nothing would have if he had noticed. mom thinks he did but didn't want to clue me in that he knew since he didn't want anything more and maybe I didn't either. bah.

sagiv called me again today. yes, again. he called the other day too and I didn't know it was him since I never listen to the answering machine closely enough. usually all calls are for mom. no one calls me ever except for sagiv. I just never expect it when he does call since it's never at a scheduled time. just spontaneous. today it was around 2:51pm. the other day it was 10-11pm at night! just never expecting it. I listened to today's message and he said he was giving me time to answer. it wasn't enough time for me to listen to the message from downstairs! and catch on that it was him and climb one step!! I just gave up and went back to toasting my strudel. eh, this makes me feel bad. I should return his call since I have his number now but I feel really silly when I call people afraid they won't be the one to answer. my palms sweat and I'm not sure what to say. I guess you could call it phone phobia...eh. it's sorta funny having him call me more lately. funny in the fact that we weren't even hardly talking online that much for awhile there. I do talk to atalia almost everyday when she comes online soo maybe that's it. since she's his sister, it gives more unity to it all. I dunno. I just never kept up with any other people from my past [online people] besides him. I hope next time I actually catch the phone before he hangs up or I get the courage to call him myself.

this is getting long winded. what we learned is that love sucks for me and to keep the options open in all other areas or go insane!!

I really need some rest, but not before I do more stupid yoga code...ugh.

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