july 05, 2000
sigh..it's complicated
where she doesn't make sense


I don't know the exact reason why I can't seem to write like I used to. not that I've been a writing fool for the past year, but I seem to not have the same joy even when I do get the chance to write...and it's always so partial and trite. I can never just open up, I always tell the shortened story to save face. sometimes I just feel like exploding and I can feel my eyes welling up and my face jitters when I try to type anything sentimental out. even in messaging in icq. I get terribly emotional.

things haven't quite turned back to normal yet since lindsey left monday morning [that reminds me, I still have to upload those photos of kickboxing and hair combing and add them to the photos page; no slideshow this time]. I still terribly miss her presence here even though it was only a week. it felt like a high strung week since we stayed up later than I usually do and I stay up late on occasion and well, we'd get up earlier than I usually get up. that explains the reasons why last week felt like forever in a good way; not bad. just on friday did I wish for everyone to leave me alone since my stomach hurt and I was unhappy. thankfully, that was the night that lindsey had high times with dad at a bar...huh huh. I dunno what went on, but I doubt it was that exciting! even if they did come home at around 2:30am!!!

I did do more things than I ever expected I'd be able to do while they were here. I mean, two real trips out of the house in one week is alot for me. I shook and I was scared and the second time I forgot to take the camera but it turned out okay. I felt triumph and I really felt justified for once when I came back with purchases and saw how easy it actually was. now I just have to up the challenge into getting my haircut. actually being trapped somewhere for a certain alotted amount of time scares me, but I don't want hair down to my ass...I'll be hardcore and cut it myself if it comes to that. I just don't want to be scared anymore; really I don't.

lindsey did give me strengh just being here and joking around with me. on her final night here I was actually begging her to come take pictures with me outside. I initiated the going outside! we just went across the street but it still felt weird. I felt sorta free and flighty like I did when I was 16 and took night outings with teri escaping the curfew police. it brought back memories and yet, it made new memories. all is good, sooo why do I feel so confused and why did I cry on monday?

I told ethan that my writer's block was because of him since when I have no trip or outing to elaborate on, I can't talk about my feelings anymore. it is true though as sad as that may be. it was perfectly okay for me to write about richard or dino since I wasn't as close to them at all. I just liked them physically and that was it. I just pictured myself dancing to the 'sexual' song and bopping around [oooh!] and well, it's not that way now. I have actual high strung feelings that won't go away. it prevents me from I don't know what...I just put an invisible wall up on what I can say and what I can't say. lindsey knows some of my feelings [I told her while she was here; the talk made me feel some relief] but she probably doesn't know how my face waivers when I try to smile, when I'm typing, when my hands brush the keys to want to type more of what I want to say but yet, I can't..I hesitate and then I move on to something else.

ya know, I still can't open my soul out to the world. I used to be able to talk about what I wanted to, but now that I'm older, I take things more seriously, I don't just joke around with my emotions. I'm quite serious when I feel something. I don't just do this for fun. I've even changed in the last four months. back then this is what I looked for in a relationship: must be close by for easy access and must be rather fun; no serious no way!

now, all I want is someone I can truly connect with and feel something for no matter if they live down the street. I'm not just looking for fun and I'm damn well still a teen even though barely and I'm aging myself I guess. I can feel the worry lines creeping in.

at least I still watch sailor moon and I still talk about porn. where would I be without that?

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