june 12, 2000
discussion on love
by dr. amber

5:21pm

I'm such a loser when it comes to love and relationships. it's funny when gabe told me about his relationship problems asking for advice. I gave him some of course, just common sense knowledge; ya know, the kind that you never end up using yourself. I was quite flattered to hear that I should be called dr. amber and I had brought a new light to the situation with my simplistic answer. I still figure I'm wrong, but I have one certain advantage..I'm a girl! I know what I'd be thinking if I was in the situation so that's how I derived my solution. hopefully gabe's problem is figured out and if so, it'll be no thanks to me really.

I watched the new sailor moon episode which started today on cartoon network. it seems they are more dignified than the old episodes. the voiceover actors are more dramatic though..abit too peppy with serena who was annoying enough before. the music they use to break into the transformation stage is nice though. it seems all big and fancy schmancy. plus, they don't end with that retarded 'sailor moon says' bit at the end where they tell you what to do to improve yourself. instead they do a nice rendition of the theme song with no vocals. just instrumentals while they show the sailor scouts all dressed up and purty. I don't know why I get excited over this stuff, but I haven't seen a new episode in about a year so I need some excitement in my life.

today's episode almost made me cry with all the talk about pure hearts and love...argh. I'm too sappy for my own good since I screw up any chances I have in real life by the way I treat people. maybe if I wasn't so afraid of being hurt. to hell I go...woo. I still have certain feelings for someone but I don't want to discuss it [I'm censoring myself basically and I wish I didn't have to...I was much more honest in my scribble..why?]. it just hurts sometimes and maybe that's what I'm afraid of ..since I've never had it, I'll never know how good it could be and maybe it's better that way. not to know.

I find myself writing the type of poetry I don't want to write at like 3 in the morning! I sit there with infomercials on in the background [either that or insomnia theatre on vh1] and a pen in hand seeming like I'm all deep and oh sooo feeling. really, I just wish I was that cool. I might write up the poem from last night sometime since it wasn't too bad and it wasn't too blunt about feelings or anything. it was about a feeling of coolness on my foot and that's what we all want, right? one breath of fresh air after the humidity has ruined your hair and made you sticky with sweat

with the thought of the poem, it reminds me of last night and this morning* all brought into one. I haven't felt like crying in so long but last night I did. I soo did and I didn't know why. I could feel it burning at the back of my head and I wondered why. I was also seething with anger that came from nowhere. just from a light on in the hallway or rather the stairway area. I had just turned it off since it was bothering me and there it was, on again. that's where I broke down and was upset. mom came in later, all peppy and asked what was wrong since my brows were furrowed and I had a deep frown on my face. I told her that I was mad, I was filled with hate, and I mumbled about not knowing why and kept touching at my hair. soon she gave up trying to figure my babble out and left the room to go to bed. the chair continued to creak like never before and mom had slammed her bedroom door. I didn't know what was wrong and why I was so upset like someone had said something and I didn't know what that set me off. I even yelled at some random person on icq [I had chatted with him before but I don't think he remembered. that's how it is...weird people] since he asked for a picture after I had damn near confessed my heart and soul and well, okay, not that, but basically my problem. he didn't even offer any word on it after practically begging me to tell him what was wrong. he asked for a picture instead. now you see why this would set me off. he went away. I guess that's all he wanted. a way to get a picture out of me by pretending to care. really, I don't care but it would have been courteous to show some concern.

anyway, my bastard ass self felt bad after abit. I realise I have good person feelings in me and I'm giving a bad impression. no matter how pissed off I feel, I shouldn't be mean to random people or anyone for that matter. even if people are rude to me, that doesn't give me the right to feel superior [when I don't feel that I am and I'm not] and basically say fuck off which I did out loud to that icq guy [not to his face, but outloud as I clicked off his box].

I talked to shawn about it...the random icq person. he said that the guy probably didn't know what to say about my problem so tried to lighten the situation. that might have been it. I'm not sure...anyway, he told me not to worry about it and there are weird people out there. it is true and he is right. I shouldn't get all out of shape over little things like that. I do think this all stems to the fact that I have feelings for someone still; a three month thing. even longer than richard..my God!!! richard was only a month! why did it feel like a decade?!?! this three month thing feels like two seconds. anyway, it is making me all weird. that's why I made myself busy with the new domain and all the other stuff I feigned being busy on.

and yet, maybe I'll feel good knowing I helped someone out if gabe gives back good results on my advice. ya know, I used to love helping people out. who cared about my own needs, ya know? when did I become such a rat bastard?

footnotes
*I found out at around noon, when I woke up, that 107.5 the buzz [my favourite station] is going off the air on july 18 unless someone stops it. I sure hope some fans get together to save it since I would just die without the only good station around. we have enough spanish stations and country stations! I was about in a heap of tears at this point. nothing will be the same..even if it's another alternative station. it won't have the same appeal and I know it. I remember, mom asked if someone had died the way I was talking and sniffing, voice shaking. I told her it was worse..heh. and it is. it still shakes me up. return


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