june 03, 2000
mockery and deep thoughts
5:11pm

I've been thinking lately about tons of stupid things. it's like, I'll be reading a book and see a description of an older person and then I start to picture myself older and then I start to picture death and realise [stemming back to something really irrational] that it doesn't matter if I ever have a good web layout because eventually I will die and it won't matter.

I have no real idea of why I do this at times. it's just a realisation that life is short and I'm letting myself dwindle on petty details like what color my layout is and whether or not I get email. in the end it all doesn't matter. just experience cascaded down to the next human is enough. I don't even want kids though so what good will it do for me to achieve anything? I figure that no one will ever know or be able to pass down my knowledge on living a miniscule life.

I'm being silly though because if I do become an accomplished writer or a webdesigner, I will affect some people and maybe in a good way, maybe in a bad. as long as i have something that lives beyond my years, then maybe i'd feel like life was worth living. if I had a book on the shelf, maybe someone would buy it and discuss it with someone..maybe it would end up being read in english classrooms in school. who knows, right? I'm just soo pessimistic that I figure none of that will happen and no one will know me after I'm gone, so why even care what I do?

I do admit that some people probably would be affected if I never existed or disappeared. mom would miss how I mock her all the time and those online would miss my sarcasm. it's all relative though.

moving on...

bringing up mockery, brings me back to earlier today while listening to my live bootleg copy of radiohead in san francisco [yeah, this has nothing at all to do with the point, but it is a good album]...mom was trying to accomplish multiple tables and I basically laughed in her face. here's the basic conversation in my terms:

me:
aaaaaHAHAHA...why don't you just use notepad and go to the ftp program instead of using silly aol press??? it always messes with the code weirdly. notepad is error proof.

mom:
::seeming shocked:: no, no...I'm fine. just let me figure this out. it should work

me:
ooook. well, let me know and I can do it for you. it'll just take me two seconds to add a no border to the table ::snicker::

mom:
AH! shutup! I'm doing fine. but err..I'll let you know if I need your help.

me:
::satisfied I smile serenely and turn back to the cd player and sing somemore::

I do this sort of thing all the time to mom. I think if I was ever to not be around, she'd miss my mockery and quite frankly, I'd miss myself just as much so I'll shutup. I guess I came to the conclusion that I'm a silly arse and shouldn't think that far into the future. who knows what'll happen, right?


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