may 17, 2000
oh glorious day ...or not
I guess I'm just recapping here on how my birthday went. really, I would have liked to write this on my actual birthday, but aol was being a bitch and we had to get one of those free disks out and reinstall it. I bet it crapped out on me because I wrote that rant about how much I hate it. gee, thanks.
okay, I'm just stalling here. today started out with good positive thoughts even though my stomach churned with excitement which I always mistake for anxiety. I actually was thinking of what I could do from my list as I watched days of our lives on the tv in my room. afterwards, I got up and went to the comp room to find a note from mom saying she went to get her hair colored [yikes!] and ooh yeah, happy bday! at the bottom. right then [I know this was uncalled for even though no one was there] I felt the tears start forming in my eyes. good thoughts just exited my brain. I figured there would be nothing more than that. sooo I checked mail, did the usual.
mom came home about 20 minutes later with a card and a cupcake. her hair had too many blonde highlights in it and right then I said, "ugh..what's with the blonde?" and turned away, ignoring the cupcake, reading the card and putting it with the rest on the table. I know I was too blunt and I know it was all uncalled for since it was my birthday. I was ruining it myself. the cupcake nagged at me for about I don't know how long before I just started ripping bits of it off. soon, I had stuffed the whole damn thing in my mouth in a pissed off way. it was very, very wrooong since that made my stomach hurt to no end and it just got worse the more the day wore on. mom asked if I wanted to do anything, but at this point, I didn't, so I declined and went to my room to cry [I could barely do that once I was alone].
that's when mom left and if I changed my mind..blablabla. she was gone until around 7:30pm. anyway, I just sat there looking lackluster and staring at the blank screen. I watched a few shows, I thought about how much my plans never work and my stomach is evil and my brain is evil for letting me eat the "poison" cupcake [really, I just can't handle any sweets that make my throat close up with sugary tickles that bring the gag reflex to life].
I soon regretted being soo horrible to mom and her hair and everything from earlier when she returned with two books from my list and one cd saying that she searched all over and these were the only things she could find off of my top items. I was happy nonetheless. the first happy moment in my horrible pain [mostly physical really; it messes with my brain and makes me say whatever I'm thinking first].
dad came over around 9:30pm. that was exciting..lemme tell ya. basically he got me this horrible clock. I tried to pretend I was happy about it but err really.. um no. it was funny:
I figured I'd get you somethings you wouldn't think to get yourself
hmmm... more like, if I saw it in a store, I'd run from it
uh huh ::half grimace::
::taking it out himself:: it's a clock!! it says happy new year and other phrases, see! ::points to box like I'm retarded and can't read::
::nods and moves uncomfortably from bed::
basically, soon after he unleashed the clock, my stomach began to bother me again so I said I really had to leave the room because I felt suffocated [he was sitting too close]. he did stop me to give me a second present which I opened reluctantly [it was a necklace that I wouldn't be caught dead wearing but I smiled and thanked him, ran from room].
I then sat in the bathroom, hands on my head crying for some unknown reason. maybe it was for my whole birthday and how I told dad before I left the room that I wished it wasn't my birthday because if it was, I would feel better and I wouldn't be acting like a bitch [err, I just said the first part about wishing it wasn't my birthday, I implied the rest]. aaah...it was awful. I felt like dying, I could barely lift my head up and I felt cold and dead. I guess it was my breaking point. I'm not sure. it wasn't dad because he was actually being nice even if his gifts sucked.
soon, mom found me sitting in the corner of her room after I weighted myself, making me even more depressed and said, "ooh there you are!" [she wasn't looking for me, the phone had rang]. I told her that I was hiding out and wanted to be alone. she soon left and her and dad went downstairs to have coffee.
I tried to sign on aol after this and that's when it crapped out and that's when I cried again. mom fixed the problem after dad left by finding that disk. anywho, that's all. that was my birthday. there was only one good thing mentioned in this whole damn entry. happy 19 years old to me! whee!
I'm making a week out of this birthday to make up for today's crap. mom will let me do some online shopping, yeaah! this is only because she couldn't find half of the things on my list but this makes things just atad better. and no, it's not just the present thing. it's because I had to get ill today.
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I guess I shouldn't plan "be spontaneous" days especially on my birthday
going out before the end of may. this is a big issue for me and well, err it has been an issue. I just am sick of feeling ill. I need to find out what's wrong with me.
aah I dunno. the news?
tons of things. oh god, have I thought and thought..just no conclusions ever.
about to read high fidelity by nick hornby [my new book..heh]