may 04, 2000
down and out
and I'm never going to dance again, not the way I dance with youuu

9:20pm

I've been depressed for a day or two now. this month just isn't looking up even though I try to think of good things. yes, I do. I also notice that I'm taking things too seriously lately. I automatically get defensive at small comments or misread something.

I didn't really have a real topic to discuss at all today...it scares me that I'm going to disappear; that my thoughts are no longer relevant anymore. I sit in my room listening to soft rock stations and staring at the ceiling in shame. aah. what the hell. why should I try to act happy if I'm not? I'll act happy when I really am happy despite the fact that this brings me down to a child level. I just can't hold things inside like I did before. hey, maybe I was more grown up; more dignified when I just shutup and did my homework and went to bed. of course, the only difference is that I'm not in school now. maybe school kept me from thinking and acting childish since I had something to keep my mind busy and...and...damn.

at least I still write and I still read and I try to learn things unlike some who don't go off to college. I just feel like I'm doing nothing productive and that I can't because of what has happened to my mental stability. I also seemed to let what a guy thinks of me rule my life this whole year so far. ever since january, that's all I cared about. the goal to be happy. that's where I went wrong I guess.

it's ironic that richard told me his girlfriend broke up with him yesterday. I remember when I used to wait for him to say those words so we'd get together. that was soo selfish of me. the ironic thing is that I wasn't happy at all when hearing that..I was really sincerely sorry for him. he didn't seem to know this, but at least I know how I felt. I wasn't doing a happy dance in my chair. I know this. it's ironic that now that he is single; no matter that it's not good to rebound, is the fact that I no longer want him. I mean, I got over it a month ago..completely over it. I told myself I was over it at the end of february, but really I wasn't until the end of march after dino disappeared.

aah, but ethan...ethan's the only one I'm at all close to anymore. I don't talk to many people lately. I mean there are a few on icq that I somewhat say a few words to, but I just know there is no connection there at all...I don't feel any comfort in their words no matter how much I try. it's just not happening.

maybe this is why I'm so depressed besides the rain making it overcast most of the day. I just don't feel any passion at all like I used to for awhile. I just keep lying to myself and I can't even write it out here right now and I won't. I just know how far I've come and that is nowhere.


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All Writing/Images Copyright 2000-01 Amber.
sardonic-hee enterprises

learned:
absolutely nothing from this; just more confusion

issue:
lying to myself and making myself feel nothing; why?

on tv:
scooby doo [cartoon network]

contemplated:
ooh tons of things I can't even discuss for obvious reasons at least to myself.

read:
nothing right now. prolly nothing till my birthday [I'll be posting my wishlist on here next time]