december 20, 2000
might as well call it xmas
and trying not to be grinch-y


I feel like there is much to be said, but in reality nothing will come out of my mouth. just empty bated breath. just fish gaping poses with a question mark above my head. it's all quite humourous. err duh.

I got sooo many presents today. that poor UPS man has to keep coming back; I feel bad for him. all busy and all. really, I shouldn't though since he's probably making mad cash this week, yo! everyone on the street's getting gifts. I got my secret santa gift a couple days ago. I'm loving the cd, but the end hidden track [well, story-like deal] really put a whole new meaning to it all. it made me all solemn for a second instead of bopping my head and singing I'd rather sleep with myself tonight...where no one else can harm me baby noo ooh ooh. anyway, the whole tortured soul; must scour the earth looking for true love or will have to sing about it forever deal really put a damper on the whole album. I'm not sure what to say, but it did change the way I thought of the album. as nice and poppy and cute. I still think of it like that, but the somberness of the story just makes it have an underlying veil of melancholy. there, I got that out now. I'm now better with the world.

I got some cute cards this week too. one from charlie and one from illiana. the first card I got this holiday season was from pamie. it was so nice, I even kept the envelope with the cat sticker, too. awww. they're sitting on the top of the desk with the cards from relatives which were equally nice.

this room is the most festive room in the house I think besides that we have our stockings up. no tree. we almost got a tree a couple weeks ago, but apparently mom wanted to wait and then she got in one of her lets forget about xmas moods and now there will be no tree. I feel abit sad about that. I hate when mom gets like that and it's not just this time of year when it occurs. she makes it seem like it's my fault if there's not enough money and we'll be punished and have to move to ohio. I hate that shit. I mean, I'd rather not discuss it or hear about it. whine whine whine. I don't whine. at least not about that sort of stuff. I save up my money, I spend my own money for what I want. I still have to ask mom to use her credit card, but I always pay her back. I don't see the problem and I really don't think my buying things during the holiday season will make much of a difference if she gets it all back and I'm the broke fool for awhile.

my side hurts right now. that always scares me when things start hurting for no apparent reason. my body always does this. pains in sides, pains in chest, pains in arms, legs pains pains pains. it never leaves me alone for long. when it does, it is just planning its new attack later. I swear, if there's a problem with me, I don't know if I even want to know it. I'm probably just the biggest hypochondriac that ever lived and my mind is causing the pain. the stress and all this babbling is probably not helping. the stress is from hearing what everyone apparently thinks of me. I mean, not of me personally but what they think of mom because of what is going on with me. it's just not something I care to think about.

anyway, I went off track. things are happy. things are good. things are happy. things are good. I've gotta chant that a few times or I might just wilt.

I think today might as well be called the new xmas. wednesday the 20th! I mean, all my gifts arrived today - unwrapped mind you. I always open the boxes and there's no wrapping. I don't like that there was no wrapping. even my secret santa gift was wrapped. I see no joy in opening boxes since I do that anytime of the year. not a ton of boxes at once, but I still do it, so it doesn't feel at all like xmas in a paradox situation. I mean, it's a truth. I'm sayin' that it doesn't feel like xmas, but it might as well be xmas today. I'm all confuzzled now. I mean, I opened gifts, santa came riding on a firetruck down our street with sirens going like a parade, festivities in the room, boxes galore opened everywhere, plastic in the trash from all opened things, it looks like how things would be if it was xmas, but without the people and without the wrapping paper or the good food. now I'm depressing myself. I'm happy with my gifts, but there was no holiday cheer put in it. I'm putting holiday cheer in all their gifts if it kills me. I bought their gifts with my money and I will wrap them regardless that they didn't do it for me. they'll get them late, but they'll get them with sentiment and that's what counts. gosh, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy now. I had to get myself out of the funk. doing good does it even if they barely nod their head at what I got.

I think there was a lesson in this entry. it sounds like one of those saturday morning cartoons which I actually watched this past saturday. the holidays are about giving. I know it's a given that that's what it's about, but I just always lose it in my own emotion. I misplace it amongst the glittery lights outside, I never take a closer look at what everything means. I just sit and pout if I didn't get things the way I wanted them or if people aren't acting the way I want them to. I just start to tear up and not sit and take a big ol' breath. think about it. I can be the pleasant person. I can not let any of this holiday bullshit bother me.

I can just sit here and let things be. Happy Holidays.

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