december 14, 2000
we've been branded
and I'm laying on my deathbed


wednesday morning I had the weirdest dream that all these girls were marching in the mall parking lot. they were all wearing red sleeveless dresses with black t-shirts. I was wearing one too. cars were still doing what they were usually doing, ignoring us as we marched. I looked on at the mall in the distance and then I caught up to one of the girls who was marching and it totally looked like the track at my old high school. I stopped to stare and saw the dirtmound, the gated off area locking us in; the white track lines. I looked up at this girl and asked what was going on. it turned back into a parking lot and she looked at me saying it started because someone had played this song and we've been branded by the cult. I stared at her in complete distress and looked at her arm. it was a barcode symbol. I heard the demonic sounds of the song; punk rock with abit of electronica and bass. the words came slowly by a woman; I forgot the words, but I knew them, I really knew them while in the dream. I stared at this girl again and told her, "I have this song on a mixtape. I started this!" I was incredulous like I was on drugs, like I wanted it to be me who started have started some controversy. I laughed and said I had did it and she looked at me, one eyebrow arched and looked disgusted, "no, you didn't." and that's all I remember.

mom thinks this is a sign that I have gone crazy and demons are taking over my mind slowly but surely. I really doubt it since I've had tons of weird dreams, but this one sorta topped it for now. it's funny that it would happen in a mall parking lot and turn into the gym area at my old school. someone tell me the branded thing isn't weird. it reminds me of the story lindsey told me a loooong time ago when we were laying restless in bed at grandma's house. it was the branded 666 story. I forgot most of it now, but the way it went was that if you got marked with 666 you'd live, but your soul would belong to the devil. I think that was the way it went. if you refused to get branded, you would die; head chopped off. this scared the shit out of me and I didn't know what I'd choose. both scenarios seem unimaginable, but by the looks of the dream, I wanted to be branded.

I had cramps today; well, I still have them. it was awful. they came on while I was watching sailor moon after I had eaten my bagel of the morning/afternoon and was already thinking of the cookie I was going to eat later. it was, at first, just uncomfortable and I just would put my hand on it to warm it and the pain would subside. it continually got worse when it was my turn to go online [it figures]. I sat down for awhile trying to ignore it and check out the forum, post abit, chat abit and the pain would be gone. that wasn't the case. it got so seethingly bad and went all the way down the right side of my leg that I was clutching myself in pain, with stray tears shakily falling down my face. I continued to chat, trying to calm down, but it wasn't working. I paced back and forth slowly, hand on back like an old lady without her cane to mom's room. she was on the phone with dad and I choked out, "pain...uuuuhhh" and walked back. I just had to say it. I don't know why. I cried and cried somemore while I talked to cee on icq. nothing was seeming to calm me though.

mom walked in brisquely [I'm too tired to look up how to spell it and no spellcheck; just to let ya know] and asked me what I wanted dad to get me for xmas. this just wasn't the time to ask since I couldn't think past my next jab of pain. it was like little knives shooting up my leg into my side and around my back in increments. it would stop and make you think you had beaten it and then come back full force jilting pain like one of those suspenseful amusement park rides. I told her to tell dad to get me the bigscreen tv and turned away. she shrugged and said she'd ask me later. I decided later that he should buy me the tv stand and then build it and I could order the tv off amazon. this was when I was thinking more clearly later.

I got my hot water bottle and I told cee I was going to go lay down. that's what I did. it got soooo much worse while I was in there. it was like I was laying down on my deathbed and soon I wouldn't be breathing anymore. my legs shook, my arms and hands shook. I grabbed for a kleenex and could barely get it out, I was shaking so bad. I laid there in torrential pain for an hour crying out "fuck!fuck!fuck!" and digging nail in skin when necessary. mom was sleeping so she heard none of it. at some points I thought I was going to throw up or go to the bathroom or something awful and I couldn't budge. I couldn't get up. I locked up my muscles so I'd stop shaking and didn't budge an inch for 15 minutes. when I began to get sleepy at 7pm from all that muscle tension, I grabbed the quilted blanket and watched all of must see tv thursday on nbc including more than half of ER! I never watch ER! I laid there and thought during commercials. I still feel gross, but at least I can sit up and my leg isn't hurting tremedously. I started to think it was more than just a cramp!

I have a new batch of cards to send out and still presents to buy. I can't believe this *time* had to come now!! when I need to get things done! now all I want to do is lounge about and watch everything pass me by. not much different than usual, but at least then I'm getting things done in my own way. I need to write out the cards. I can't slack, yo!

I started to miss josh again. I hate when I have those daydreams; those lengthy ones where I can almost feel the person next to me when they've never been next to me ever. I do that too often and it makes me long for them. I need to stop that shit. and I need to stop picturing myself in these daydreams as looking perfect, with the perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect everything and they're perfect too. I'll just disappoint myself if I do those things. I'm sure when I meet josh it would be great, but if I keep picturing fake meetings, it won't be as great to see what really happens. I remember when dino came here and I made it out to be like a date. I changed my outfit three times and got myself looking nicely made up and he didn't even sit on the same side of the couch as me.

there were other circumstances to it all; really there were, but it still hurt abit. I couldn't stop myself from talking about past people I liked, crazy things, stupid things. he just sat there and giggled. it wasn't right of me. and plus, he didn't like me in that way to begin with. I asked josh beforehand what he thought in a subtle way. he said, "yes" now, I might misinterpret that, but why would he want to even be the fake boyfriend if he didn't find me the least bit desirable [as silly as that sounds since I don't find myself desirable half the time].

anyway, I find myself just wanting him more, the more I see those jc penny commercials where the guy puts a heart necklace around the girl's neck; I don't know. I wish someone did that for me. not that I'm asking for it, but arghargh!!

since my hands are tired, I should go. I should go contemplate writing out the cards and finding presents for the family or just sit here and think about death. my choice.

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