november 29, 2000
and xmas gets nearer


I've been in one of those nostalgic moods lately. thinking back and I get small tears in my eyes and it's hard to rub them off since I can feel something stirring in my stomach like I'm crying on the inside when it comes right down to it. I'm not sure I'd call it being depressed. I just miss that spark that life had for awhile. in october, I was alot more into working and alot more creative and in a much less snarky mood. I think the only place I'm totally laughing it up is when I read the forum.

to tell ya the truth, and I know this is really pathetic, but I still miss josh like crazy. he probably isn't even thinking of me. I have that pessimistic mood going on. he probably only said he missed me those 3 weeks ago because I asked if he did and what else can ya say? he's very polite and nice and he wouldn't say otherwise. I don't see why I make things into big deals in either direction. I mean, it started out with just nice flirting and I kept it as such until I really became attracted to him and not to make anyone else jealous just to clarify!! most think the worst of me and it's not true. mom thinks I'm a snarky bitch sometimes and I can be, but not when it comes to relationships. I don't play around with people's emotions if they like me. anyway, I think I like him more than he likes me when it comes down to it. that's how it usually works.

I don't know why I'm venting this out. it's just that when I went to write a haiku today in the forum, I was reminded of the time I was cheering him on to reach 60 posts and become a stalker all with just haikus. he made it to 29. I'm about to cry right now. I feel the tears arisin'. damnit, little things!!! I miss the little things!!

I also found myself nostalgic for when I first joined the new UBB Squishy forum. I remember how different it was then from how it is now. people only seem to count down their status points lately and fill up three or more padding threads before I get up! I don't know what it is, but I found myself nostalgic for how it started out. I even posted in other topics today to make up for it and found myself alot more happier not thinking about my status or how many posts I have and actually writing something. I would post in a short story since that looked intriguing, but I can't think of any. my brain is numb. maybe I'll come up with something spectacular to add later.

anyway, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's early PMS, I don't know. I just wish it would stop. I can't stand being emotional!! rawr!

as xmas gets closer, I get jittery and scared. it's not that I don't like gifts or the music or the pretty lights. it's the fact that I haven't gotten anyone anything yet, I only have a box of 15 xmas cards and I don't know when I'm going to find out what everyone wants anyway. last year I knew ahead of the game what everyone wanted. this year I have no clue. mom told me that grandma wants me to go to ohio for xmas this year. they missed me last year. I just don't know that I'm up for heavy travelling after sitting on my ass for 4 or more months. I just don't know that I'm up for the crowds or the parties. I just want to be holed up in my room being nostalgic forever and silently glancing out the window at the pretty xmas lights.

things just seem to be moving along too fast. this year just started and now it's over and I don't want to let it go. I didn't accomplish anything great this year and I don't feel satisfied. I thought I could end the year out with whatever was happening between me and josh but the way things look, he'll never come back or he won't show up again till next year and he won't like me anymore if he still does now and I'm plain outta luck for a happy ending.

I need to shutup, yo! I need to send my xmas list to lindsey. that's that. I know what she wants at least. I'm halfway there. there's me being halfway optimistic about things.

ethan and I both agreed that this conversation bit was rather humourous so I'll leave you with it:

hyperprism: *name omitted to protect the guilty or not so guilty* isn't always this cute. but when she is, she IS.
sometimes she's unfeelingly cruel. like, she doesn't mean it? but that's how she is. scorp much, yes.

Amber: hahaha I know exactly then.

Amber: I wonder if josh is in his evil mood and that's why he won't call...muahahah

hyperprism: oh you're talking about me aren't cha ?
yes i agree completely. :giggle:

Amber: uh huh.
made me manic depressive. harhar.

hyperprism: hehe. nice, very nice.
i can induce manic depression , yo! man, that should be my label, medical instruction.

Amber: hahahahah!!!! well, I was M.D. before but sheesh! my moods went high and low alot for awhile there....hee!

and yes, after this entry I don't know who could doubt my manic depressive nature. *snort*

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