november 21, 2000
it has been a year
and depression in the chill of night

9:40pm

I promised myself that I would write after I'd lived in this townhome for a year. it has been exactly a year not counting travelling day since I only just glanced at the place before passing out on my lonely mattress in a desolate room. the place has changed somewhat since I first got here. I was overwhelmed when I first took a look. I thought I was living in some resort instead of a home. I thought I wouldn't get used to it and was afraid to take a shower in the new bathroom, so I didn't take one for two or three days. no shower curtain. it was tough.

I remember the sleepless nights at grandma's house crying and thinking I didn't have a home anymore. that I was going to some foreign place that I'd never get used to. that it would be like having panic attacks everyday since foreign places do that to me. I thought the place wouldn't take a liking to me. that it just wouldn't mesh right. boy was I wrong. I ended up feeling more at home here than I did at my old home. the upstairs area feels like I'm away from everything else. I'm way up high where no one can touch me. I've never lived in a two story home until living here. grandma's house has a basement, but somehow that doesn't count.

even twisting my ankle in this house didn't give it bad juju. it just made me stronger I guess. it also weakened me since I got so comfortable in that month of january laying about, not being able to move and I had no desire to even try to go out. I stayed inside for months on end, but at least I knew I liked it here. I never wanted to go back to how it was before not that it ever would be that way again. I just knew I wouldn't change things. a really different mindset since last fall when all I wanted was to have things stay stagnant. to have things stay just me in ohio with grandma and a whole schedule of normalcy. I guess I get used to routine and hate when things are about to be different.

I know that if there was ever a chance that we couldn't afford living here anymore, that I'd be very very sad. the place is paid for in full, but we still have to pay the bills each month and we're barely sliding by. living in a place without heat or electricity wouldn't be very nice at all, sooo that means I can't just buy frivilous [sp?] things anymore. I try to keep spending down to a minimum. all I have bought in the past three or so months was the Kid A cd, blank disks, and an action figure. this is the first time in awhile that I haven't bought clothing. I don't have any new clothing. I used to love shopping. now I just "window shop" [glance at the catalog and dream basically].

I guess it's hard trying to live the resort looking life without a high paying job, but I make it work. happy anniversary townhome. may there be many more years of time and accumulation to fill you up since the living room still remains half empty.


last night was the first night that I felt like crying voluntarily in awhile. I couldn't though. I tried gasping out a few tears underneath my covers and barely peeking out at the sky lightening outside my window and the clock blinking 5:05; people driving off in their cars to their day job. I lay there and try to weep with no further engagements. I shouldn't feel too sad. I guess it was just that I was nauseous and sick of having this newly discovered "inner ear problem" and I couldn't sleep. plus, josh hasn't been online in two weeks and I feel deja vu happening again. I know, I know, he might have exams, he might have bigger problems than making sure his fake girlfriend is happy. I'm sure if we were a real couple and he would come over, that he'd feel more justified to call me and make sure I'm doing well. as of right now, things are stagnant and the only responsibilities he has to me are to keep me entertained on icq with flirting when he does come online. eh, it's better than being completely alone. at least there's a chance of something in the air. a chance of something nice and I won't let it go to hell because I can't see him when it's convenient for me. that's just selfish. I don't want to be selfish anymore.

I had a dream monday morning that I wanted to write down on the weblog, but blogger was messing up with server problems and I just forgot to do so later on. anyway, here we go; as well as I can recall:


it involved school again. I'm always in school in dreams. repressed memories?? the building was the same as it always [almost always. I still like the surrounding glass walls one that only appeared once] is in my dreams. two stories and I always get lost in the hallways. there is always some bake sale or commotion going on on the first floor. I went outside and got on a bus in the parking lot. it was more like a city bus than a school bus. WE.WENT.OVER.A.WOBBLY.BRIDGE. I saw the water below me and got scared shitless. I held on for dear life when the bus turned into a rollercoaster deal and the bridge did loop de loops and I thought I was going to lose something on the way down. I yelled, "I want to get off! is this safe??" and the lady said, "of course, this is the scenic route. it's alot more fun." I thought I was going to die literally. I could just see myself floating up on the lake, weightless and blue.

we stopped in an empty field next to the road near the ugly almeda mall [this mall is always in dreams; I haven't been here in years!]. I saw a hot air balloon just barely above my head and commented, "I hope we aren't going to get on that" I think I was sickly in my dream. damn motion sickness. anyway, she shook her head and we all laid out on the grass watching it. one cheerleading girl who was at our real school way back when; I remember her, was laying out underneath what looked like a not blown up hot air balloon dealie and she was doing something erotic with her legs and arms; like she was riding a pole [not *that* type of pole] at a stripper club [too much squishy mixer?? for the record, I don't speak in there; I just read it]. her friend asked why she's doing that now or something and she said, "what better time to do it. ya know I'm gonna do it! ya know I'm gonna do it now! yeah! I really gotta do it, I'm really gonna do it! no better time than now!" she chanted this over and over again until I woke up humming the tune and wanted to shoot myself.


I really need to get more sleep before I dissipate into nothingness.

another year here should cure me. and the house nods in agreement.


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