november 18, 2000
and the rain that never ends


so, I've been thinking business lately. I mean, I want and need more money. you can never get paid enough dinero. I only got $50 honestly this past month. I have $900 saved up, but still, the thought of xmas, the thought of many things I want that I can't get from people who know me since they're either broke or they don't shop online; it just doesn't look good either way.

anyway, mom told me I should sell webdesign service on ebay. I'm not sure if that's legal or not. sure, you can sell your soul on ebay, and you can sell a twig from your backyard but only a couple stupid asses would fall for it. I'm not talkng about scamming people, but it just seems abit odd to bid on a service. the same as bidding on prostitution; or a haircut; or a manicure; or a massage; you get the idea. I just haven't seen it done before. mom's second idea was that I make templates of layouts and burn them on a disk and sell that. that could be reasonable but what would you pay for a burned copy of anything?? how do you know my designs are any good?? I think I'd be better off selling my snes and my furby considering the cost it takes for labour and delivering service.

right now, I don't want to do anything. I'll tell ya the truth here. it's just not a good time. my inner ear problem is becoming so horrible I can't even consider the idea of waking up the next day anymore. I just want to sleep forever or never leave my room. if the computer was in my room, maybe I wouldn't have to do so. it rains and rains everyday now since the middle of the week. I hate the rain. I hate the claminess [sp?? is this a word??] cold that comes along with it. I hate the inner ear problem. I hate the overcast sky when I wake up instead of the sun. I miss the summer as hard as that is to believe knowing how hot it was. I just am wishing I never asked it to go away. this weather makes me sick and icky and I hate it. everyone protests at me and says they love it and it makes them feel cozy and bladeblabla. I just am speaking my mind. I used to like the rain when it felt like a waterfall or a rainforest sound effect with my eyes shut. now, it's just annoying. after the fifth or so day, I don't want to deal with it anymore. no one can stop the weather, but I wish there was a way anyhow. it's crazy. why do I always discuss the weather? I'm not in a very coherant mood. this sounds like a vent. really, I just want the dreary days to go away and some glimmer of hope to pop out at me. I hate the word hope though. it makes me seem like I'm drowning and all pity me. I don't pity myself. if so, it's my own fault. I just am sayin' .... I want to go get the cookies and never come back out of that fantasy....

I don't see what my fascination with baking cookies is lately. I actually get the tray out like I'm ambitious and then I realise I'm not even hungry and I don't really care anymore. I made cookies last saturday. they were atad burnt but very, very good. I'm not sure if these sugar cookies of today will taste good or not. I think they've been done, but with this inner ear problem which makes the drainage, I don't think cookies are what I need right now which is a damn shame.

I decided it wasn't josh who called that time. I wrote a vent about it awhile back. I just feel so sad. I get tears in my eyes each time I sign on icq in the afternoon and don't see any offline messages from him showing that he might have got online and checked and wanted to say he was alive. I'm not sure what's worse. the idea that he could be having so much fun in real life doing things or that he goes online when I'm not on, reads my messages I leave him and feels he doesn't have to answer them. I don't know what's worse. I bet none of those options are even true for what's going on, but I like to think up the worst scenario, so I'm content in whatever the real turnout is.

I'm going to stop wishing and stop pushing, but for some reason I have the urge to do something more than just sit here and wait. I suggested to lindsey that I do some detective work and find out his phone number and call him, but I think that is a horrible idea now that I think about it. I'm not a stalker. I don't wish to do anything pushy and uncalled for like that. when things get too weird and all and I have to explain how I got the info, I'd die of embarassement. I just don't like twiddling my thumbs in anticipation . I'm always so available and I hate it.

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