november 18, 2000
so, I've been thinking business lately. I mean, I want and need more money. you can never get paid enough dinero. I only got $50 honestly this past month. I have $900 saved up, but still, the thought of xmas, the thought of many things I want that I can't get from people who know me since they're either broke or they don't shop online; it just doesn't look good either way.
right now, I don't want to do anything. I'll tell ya the truth here. it's just not a good time. my inner ear problem is becoming so horrible I can't even consider the idea of waking up the next day anymore. I just want to sleep forever or never leave my room. if the computer was in my room, maybe I wouldn't have to do so. it rains and rains everyday now since the middle of the week. I hate the rain. I hate the claminess [sp?? is this a word??] cold that comes along with it. I hate the inner ear problem. I hate the overcast sky when I wake up instead of the sun. I miss the summer as hard as that is to believe knowing how hot it was. I just am wishing I never asked it to go away. this weather makes me sick and icky and I hate it. everyone protests at me and says they love it and it makes them feel cozy and bladeblabla. I just am speaking my mind. I used to like the rain when it felt like a waterfall or a rainforest sound effect with my eyes shut. now, it's just annoying. after the fifth or so day, I don't want to deal with it anymore. no one can stop the weather, but I wish there was a way anyhow. it's crazy. why do I always discuss the weather? I'm not in a very coherant mood. this sounds like a vent. really, I just want the dreary days to go away and some glimmer of hope to pop out at me. I hate the word hope though. it makes me seem like I'm drowning and all pity me. I don't pity myself. if so, it's my own fault. I just am sayin' .... I want to go get the cookies and never come back out of that fantasy....
I don't see what my fascination with baking cookies is lately. I actually get the tray out like I'm ambitious and then I realise I'm not even hungry and I don't really care anymore. I made cookies last saturday. they were atad burnt but very, very good. I'm not sure if these sugar cookies of today will taste good or not. I think they've been done, but with this inner ear problem which makes the drainage, I don't think cookies are what I need right now which is a damn shame.