october 21, 2000
yet another new system
and the beginning of something

1:21am

today the old pentium was taken back to compusa. it was the one that made that irritating beeeeeeeeeping noise. it wasn't that annoying to me after awhile, but apparently mom spoke to some people there and they said it wasn't supposed to make that sound. that it might be faulty. that was the reason for taking it back. I have to start over yet again with a compaq one this time [at least it matches somewhat], but it's okay. I backed up the bookmarks and icq numbers (I didn't know how to back up the contact list so I just documented it in a notepad deal [hah]). I suppose I was prepared this time since it hadn't died yet. it just was warning us.

I had a vision of a new layout for hazycolour the other night. something with scrolly bars and graph wallpaper. I don't know either, but it seemed snazzy. I think that thenetstar.org had some free backgrounds. I could mess with those or whatnot. I need another art program though. yes yes, since we lost all the programs again, I lost PhotoImpact, but ah well. I lost out in that hack anyway. dad's friend was able to do it, so I figure I'm just stupid when it comes to those things. I probably messed it up when I stuck it in the wrong folder. well, enough of that. someone promised to burn me a PhotoShop disk the other day. I hope he'll still do it. I'll give him a mixtape or something if he does.

okay, enough about technical and design talk. I had a spectacular night/morning yesterday after washing my hair. I posted alot in this week's padding party. the topic was movie trivia and quotes I believe. pamie set the rules before we started. anyway, if that weren't enough [and everyone noticed me there this time and asked me to do one (a movie hint) so I was proud], josh came online!! I was so happy to see him since it had been two days. I was beginning to feel deprived. anyway, I was very hormonal that night and kept wanting to "jump him" if it was possible across a computer screen. the next best thing was, I flirted. flirted like madcrazypsycho flirted. he liked it though I think. it was nice to just be free to do that; I used to do that with someone else, but we just won't mention it anymore since it got me nowhere.

anyway, I was glowing haaaard. I kept asking when he'd like to come over and promising cookies. I backed off abit for awhile though because I learned my lesson about scaring people; I don't want to do that this time. I really think I like him, yes yes. I can never tell if someone likes me though. sure, he volunteered to be the fake boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that in real life, when he comes over, he'll want to be the "real" boyfriend [I'm not into categorising in real life really]. I did ask him if he'd sit next to me on the couch [hee!] when he comes over and he said he would. I had to ask this since dino didn't when he was here. he didn't notice anything wrong or weird about the situation so maybe that's just the way he is. we're still friends and all, but I don't know. I felt insecure and like the bubonic [sp?] plague!

later we toned it down to movie trivia, but even that was nice. sure, I didn't know any of the movies by the hints [star wars episode one (the only person in the world who didn't see it I bet) and the truman show], but maybe it was because I hadn't seen the movies he mentioned. I haven't been to the theatre or rented a movie in forever. I just watch hbo when I can and buy some movies that are recommended when I hear about them. that would be a plus if josh would bring over some movies. I need to catch up on movies, so I can beat their asses in movie trivia on the forum [j/k!!]. it's just a nice idea, since I'm all about sitting on my ass watching tv and to have someone to sit with would be a plus. anime movies too...I want to see somemore anime vids.

so, yeah. I see visions of something cropping up out of this. I mean, he reassures me I'm not weird. I'm not stupid. I'm very likeable. I just have to believe I won't get my intentions shot down; won't feel rejected if nothing bigtime happens when or if ..no when he comes over. I mean, I'm all about getting to know a person before any funny busizness [yes I meant to spell it funny; trying to go with a funky accent] happens, yo! I am *sexually frustrated* though. I'm dying here. I mean, in terms that I can't control myself. everything is perverse, everything makes me burn up with desire, everything everything!! okay, not everything. I didn't drool all over my subway sandwich tonight or anything. and no, this computer doesn't make me want to jump it. I mean, just in general, okay? stuff on tv, stuff in my head...

I just hope when josh comes here, it turns into something nice. that's all. no hurt feelings, no handoffishness. just whatever goes goes. no intentions. just nice. I deserve nice.


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