october 12, 2000
losing my life's work
and meeting up with old faces

10:20pm

I lost all my programs and my direction this past week. it has been quite a difficult time and makes me wish I had backed up all that needed to be backed up and printed out all emails and whatnot I wanted to keep. I cried so hard sunday afternoon. I couldn't believe what was happening. that things wouldn't and couldn't be the same. I could acquire the programs I need which I did [most of them at least], but it's not the same. it doesn't have the homey feeling that it had before. the way things looked before, the way I operated before...it's gone. I must learn new programs for the ones I couldn't get back and get used to a new look. things just aren't the same and it makes me weep. mom says I'm never grateful for anything. well, there was nothing to be grateful about. she thinks I should be happy we have a computer to work with. I suppose, but this computer makes me unhappy when I sit in front of it.

I'm whining. I always seem to whine. no wonder people can't stand me at times. I try so hard to be optimistic about things. I even try to put a smile on my face in front of this thing as I download my life away wondering when this new thing will explode and all my work will be for nothing. it just all seems so stupid. I could lose everything at any moment and nothing really matters. my integrity could be taken by how this machine reacts to me. it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to rely on technology for anything since I've been proven time and time again that it fails me. even my tv fails me!! I wasn't able to say that on tuesday. wednesday I was defeated when cable went out at 3pm and I had to tell Josh that he was right. I shouldn't have spoken out loud. I jinxed myself. I always jinx myself. I'm bad luck people. just stay far away from me. I'll be hiding underneath my bed trying to find that candy bar wrapper [haha]

*TMI WARNING* just when things couldn't get worse, I get that time of the month, go through three pairs of pants and cry cry cry. I say they should just make those who don't want kids not have it. it's annoying and we're working this horrible feeling for a week for no reason!! I'd take birth control pills if it would stop it forever, but um, I hear they have their own side effects. I just hate being me. anyway, that acosts for the mood I've been in the last three days. dad's friend really got my wrath a couple days ago. he really pisses me off. he, at first says "you think you're all grown up" [because I say I don't want to party; I don't find that a good time] and then later says, "you know, you should really grow up" [just because I'm defending myself against his retorts] I said I wasn't going to talk about him anymore. I won't. it's not worth it.

I said I was going to talk about this inner ear problem of my panic attacks. I guess I'll talk about it here in this paragraph all alone because there's nowhere else to put it. mom's reading this book that shows that there are some physical ailments involved in phobias and panic at times. one, is the inner ear problem. caused by sinuses possibly, all this stuff. it sends some trigger to the brain, causes nausea, brain overreacts, attack begins. they said it's treatable by getting prescriptive drugs to help allergies and sinuses. it can help the ear problem and possibly you'll be on the road to recovery. it makes some sense since I didn't really get it bad until my allergies began last year. I still had problems, but it got worse as soon as my head and ear problems started. I just hate my body. it hates me. you get the picture. sooo mom was searching for some meds I could take, but couldn't decide. over the counter drugs are supposedly a big risk since they say in the book that you should go to a doctor and they'll give you the correct dosage. you must take more than a normal allergy and sinus sufferer. it all seems very complicated, so mom's going to continue to read the book and see what we can do.

carlos called me yesterday after almost a year of not hearing a word. well, okay, he did come here in july, but did I see him? noooo. did he call? yesss but didn't give me enough time to get to the phone. anyway, mom spoke to him first and asked him about that. turns out he had to go or whatever. I wondered why he even called in the first place then. mom thinks he just felt bad for not meeting up with us, so he wanted to show us some attention. anyway, I think we're really on two different planes of reasoning right now. it was nice hearing from him, but he still has something against sagiv after three years. I mean, sheesh!! what was it that started that vendetta? I mean, I don't get it. I'm over it. they should just let it go. yes, I even told sagiv I spoke to carlos last night and he said, "I'll kill him" or something. I didn't tape record the conversation...or rather, save it. anyway, carlos is sorta upset I don't like rap anymore and am not the same person I was three years ago. I'm sorry to say, but I realised the only reason I did all that was because I liked him. I was blindly following his ways, so he'd possibly like me. I guess I did semi-like some of the songs and whatnot, but the main reason was to attract him, which failed. I guess it was good that it did since I didn't want to live a lie or anything.

carlos is actually ahead of me. he's taking college classes now, but still working on some high school credits and he got his license. has a girlfriend. he seems to have a balanced life and sounds good. too bad things aren't that way for me. I tried not to tell him too much. he mustn't know I hardly leave the house. he mustn't know that I suck at getting any semblance of a relationship. he just can't know that I suck bigtime since he left. he'd probably tease me. I really was secretly wanting to cry as I told him what I've been up to and at the same time smiling because of hearing a familiar voice on the other end. someone who wanted to talk to me and wanted to know what I was up to! what a revelation!!

sometimes I regret never keeping contact with my other friends. even when I feel I'm better off alone in the state I'm in.


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