february 28, 2001
play dead once again
and the fog is so thick there's no end in sight
sometimes I think things happen so fast, I can't catch them. time is a screwy thing with me lately. my mind and reality are silly things. everything is just surreal. I sit here and wish I wasn't most of the time, but where would I be? I wish I was nowhere, but yet somewhere. I've been playing dead again.
ever get that feeling that time stops just for you? at least to a degree? when you don't see it happen, it's not there. people don't see you, you're not real. I think I just need to continue to try to take my vitamins. my whole body is in ruptures. it aches sometimes for no apparent reason. it likes to prod on and on till I can't stand it anymore and I cry cause what else can I do if I can't distinguish what the pain is? no one knows I'm even here who lives around here. they don't see me. I feel like a refugee as crazy as that sounds. I actually imagine that I'm hidden away; must hide from neighbours who might look up at the window. afraid that if I popped out, I'd have to come up with a story like, "umm, I'm visiting. I came through the front door and that's why you didn't see me arrive." I mean if the mood arose for me to get the mail or step into the light where these people I know so well could peer at me.
it's scrutinizing at times. what I think they'd think of me, so I have to pretend I'm doing things that are justifable to these people I don't know. I don't have to lie to those I know well. I do give white lies to FB. he doesn't know of my present tense life with anxiety. he just knows I've had trouble going outside or had no ambition to go. he told me likewise about himself. everyone has days they don't want to emerge, but when it's a constant, it makes things more extreme. I could never tell him the extreme of it cause I'd be afraid. some I'm not afraid to tell since their outright opinion doesn't matter as much. there's no chance that we might meet sometime soon, so it's okay to tell my problems to them. not that I'm saying just because you're an aquaintance, I will dump my baggage on you. I'm just sayin' I won't try to hide it if asked. FB didn't really ask either, but I've been worried I'd have to eventually tell my life story which I didn't. things were always light.
I wrote him a three page letter last night. some of it seemed trite. even as I wrote it, I couldn't believe I was telling him I had twelve DVD's even if he does have a hobby in home entertainment!! okay, so that was one paragraph. I did say I missed him alot. I told him what I've been thinking lately. I tried to make the letter balanced and asked questions. I'm never self centered with him. that's something I have trouble doing; asking questions. maybe it's from carrying on alone for so long and writing in a journal just discussing my life that I don't think of their lives when they arise. I was really interested in FB's though and that shows for something. I mean, the other people I've been connected with, well, if they asked me certain things about themselves, I know I couldn't answer. I'm not saying I know everything about him, but I do feel more connected than past.
I remember me and ethan held some connection too [I thought], but I don't count him since well, I don't know. we're friends I guess. I'm just thinking in terms of some other past people who only one attribute was attracting and I threw it waaay out of proportion until they were idolised as *ahem* "God". no more of that. I will not idolise people. it will be if it will be. if not, I'll get over it. this letter isn't some ploy to get him over here and rush things. I just want to hear from him for now. it all takes time and I won't screw up. if he ignores the letter, I guess I'll have to get over it. I'm willing to do it since maybe I'm not all the way together myself to put effort into anything, but maintaining sanity.
I don't want to think of myself as partially dead and maybe I must focus on becoming real and then get closer to those I hold in respect. I don't want to do something I regret, that's for sure.
the weather has been playing tricks on me. sunny yesterday with very humid atmosphere. my whole body was sticky and I couldn't stand myself for two seconds. my headache returned too [hell, it's still here]. it just seems abit early for sticky weather. it hopefully will change. the storms are sorta depressing too. when I wake up and realise it's still pretty much dark outside, I groan. it's like I don't even want to get up to that. who would? maybe that's what makes people tired and unmotivated during these times. the stormy months are hell. I think the spring brings ALOT of that too so if it's here in february you can bet on it that april and may will have its share too.
like someone in the forum said about the fog, "it's like a stephen king novel" I haven't read the particular book, but it is creepy. I don't like when the fog coats the sky and hangs like a film above the houses. slowly floating down and blocking the view; unclear; maybe I can hide in the fog and no one will see my realness anyway! I'm funny. I think I need my head checked.
okay, so end of february. beginning of march tomorrow. can't wait.
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