february 08, 2001
mom told me quite a coincidential story last night after the news had shown. she asked me what FB's name was again. I told her. she said the headline on the news read, "joshua is missing..." I asked her if she knew what the last name was and she said she didn't. this seemed scary to me. okay, here's the backstory from the report. he is in his twenties, was driving a truck and got in an accident, was sent to the hospital. due to his medication [he's bi-polar] he seemed to wander off through the woods and was never seen again. they flashed his picture across the screen. I asked mom to describe it. blonde highlights, wire rim glasses, atad on the pudgy side. now this could fit anyone, but from what I recall from his picture, it fits. the description fits. I tried to find his cousin's email address on the site he designed, so I could ask if he was okay. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't him and that he's okay even without me. I want him to be alive and well. I'd be completely upset if that was him. anyway, I couldn't locate the email address. there was just a link to his design company site and it wouldn't open. there was no email on the forums on the site and no email on his icq info. I was pure out of luck, so I just emailed FB directly. I figure if he eventually replies, he's okay and if not, well, who knows. I just keep hoping it isn't him. I felt something within me to think he has disappeared - not just from my life, but from everyone's life. I want him to be taking his walks, visiting japanese gardens, going to Planet Anime, continuing to go to class. that's what I want him to be doing. that's what seems right and good. it doesn't matter if he never finds his way here cause I just want him happy and coherant.
it seems that "villainsday" is coming up. I quite like the sound of that. I picked it up from cartoon network; the villains ya love to hate! anyway, I'll probably be watching this special alone with no flowers or chocolate. just sitting and watching tv by a glow of the tv in the dark. I picture this because it makes it even more pathetic. maybe by saying these things, it will make what really happens better. if I hope for FB to reappear by then, I'm fooling myself apparently. there is anime guy. woo! of course, there is nothing going on there. there simply can't be and I established that. it seems I push potential people away due to still being semi-attached to the old. it's quite a curse, dontcha think? the simple fact is that my feelings for FB haven't gone away. that just doesn't change overnight.
I haven't been myself the past two or more days. ever since I got to this certain part in my book, I've been thinking of the world in a different manner. today not as much but it was freaky. I kept getting flashes of destruction and the end of the world and everything normal seemed in technicolour. my eyes were blinded by an intense light I couldn't shake. I was scared that my skull would collapse. I wasn't sure what this all meant. really, I didn't think of it in terms that I was becoming one with the characters, but I just felt weird about the whole thing. I guess realistic reading is the word. starting to think that if I read these things enough, it'll become a reality; that I'll be the first to go though. quite stupid thoughts float into my brain. I keep having to remind myself, it's just fiction. no sleeping plague is going to happen. everything is fine. all you have is a headache or sinus pressure; all you are is exhausted from staying up too late. it isn't death. and now I'm semi-okay. I guess I just had to get my thoughts straight. I'm a hypochondriac more than anyone knows. I can make fiction a reality with one small fraction of a thought.
I just have one comment to make about the porn entry of last time; I know I. rock.! heh. and no, I'm not usually that forward. thank you. *grin*