january 31, 2001
singing out to no one
and busy=no time to think
I keep humming the song trouble by coldplay in my head over and over again. just the first few lines of the chorus. it seems to haunt me somewhat. I just recently downloaded it off napster yesterday. siigh. I hope to order the album by valentine's day. I need something to help me forget how much I hate that day. last year I cried on that day while listening to the new cure album. very traumatic was I, very traumatic indeed. I marked the day on my calendar in big ass letters with an "X" through it.
I reviewed over the last message I ever recieved from josh. here it was:
I need get ready. I have to go vote in about half an hour. I'll be back on later.
it's just really sad. as mom said, it's like the voting booth ate him up and left no remains. the words 'I'll be back later'..more like never. this is even worse than when Dino disappeared for two months. I mean, me and josh were very, very close even though we never met. you don't just say you like someone one week and then never try to contact them the next. even if his pc died forever, he would have found a way. there are internet cafes; friends or cousins houses I'm sure [I used my cousin's mac in ohio when I visited]. if he really did like me in the same way, he would have contacted me is all I'm sayin'...I don't know why I get into this discussion so often in my head. the brain tells me to let it go; he has disappeared...there is actually no hope left in me concerning him even though I constantly think of the "what ifs" over and over again.
maybe v-day is doing this to me. seeing all this sappy shit all over the tv screen day and night. seeing people all in love in all the shows or movies I watch; in the music I listen to even at times. who wants to be lonely year after year..every v-day..blablabla. ah well. some could say I don't try hard enough. I don't go hang out in public where they can find me, but I start to think it's me sometimes since even when I did do these things, I was teased with fake lead ons and never noticed in any special way by those I admired.
right now, the only one I happen to want is him though...he is FB!! that is his title and there was no ending..if there was a definite ending I would let it go. everyone else I had been the least bit attracted to has eventually rejected me; told me I basically wasn't good enough or there was someone else. nothing here. he said he was single. he said he liked me. there was nothing else to discern me. I watched the telltell [sp?] signs since I had been burrrrned too many times. I know not to let my head lead me astray just because I feel something. this certainly wasn't one sided!
I guess I'm getting it out now before it hits february and the real hurt will begin. at least I will be able to say, there is nothing left to say. I need that coldplay album mayyn..it might be able to get me happy. at least for one moment as only things can do.
the past few days I haven't felt as ill with my sinuses. working from day to day on this layout like it is the last thing on earth has kept me from thinking of anything else. only it would remain in my head. on ways to make it better. ways to switch the html and ways to add new little gems of technical goodness..mmm. just seeing a site work the way I want it to makes me feel all good inside. my brain bursts with confetti and I do a small cheer. when things don't work, which they didn't during the weekend, I'd scream and cry and threaten to go into a deep depression again. and I did for a short while. even now, I go into bouts of it when I have time to think. an hour or so a day.
the layout is almost done. for those that don't read the weblog, that's what I'm talking about here. I still love this layout, so therefore, I'm keeping it awhile longer. plus, with the making of this layout, it has burnt me out. I might kill off the writing section soon though. that's about all I'm planning right now for over here. I have many projects for the other site though. here is just my place to babble about my life or write essays..I've sorta abandoned the other sections. not that you can't look.
I'm getting into sketching again. I haven't lost my touch. it is wonderful knowing I can put a pencil to paper and in one light stroke, know exactly what direction to go without erasing. only once, did I erase in this last sketch which all will see once the layout is launched. I am so proud of it. I plan to do more too. mom thinks I should sale pictures on ebay; I think they wouldn't get bids but they make me happy nonetheless.
someone said something during the weekend on saturday which got me thinking. it was when I was slightly depressed but better and eating cookies; the night after my horrid layout disaster. he said he liked me in the sense that he'd go out with me. it was very nice of him to say even though it didn't make sense at all. after all I'd said the night before and the way I sound to certain people; I wonder how I can be liked at all. the only place where I am considered neutral/nice is in the forum. I try to keep from saying anything that I might be called out on; I never enter the current events section. I don't have strong opinions on many huge events anyway, but I guess I figure I should keep out anyway since I might say something offputting by accident. that's the way I see myself as being.
this guy; which I will title Anime Guy; he seems to not see how horrible I am. even after I told him what some others say and how I feel sometimes, he said I seemed nice and that's all he saw. maybe I am, but certainly not many think this. I fly off the handle when I am angry; I practically say "screw you!" with a jab of the enter key when someone tries to help me calm down. I don't know why my head spins like that; I instantly regret being so evil when they were only trying to help. I only realise this once my brain chemicals are back in place and I may rest.
I wonder if Anime Guy just blocks all these faults cause he secretly has an image of me placed in his head already and maybe he likes me and is blinded [I'm not seeing myself as egotistical in this comment, so please don't..] by this like..maybe that's why I can't remember anytime when me and josh faught either. he was in like with me and that's all that mattered. maybe he saw the truth now; once he disappeared to the voting booth heavens.
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