january 25, 2001
it's a scary, scary place
and things are takin' off!


the past week has been filled with dark rooms, weird noises, and icky ass moods. I'm sure the dark evil one has spoken to you, too at one point. telling you that you have no talent in anything, you are retarded, can't keep people interested in you, and your body hates you. it happens. it sure happened to me. my body has been telling me it is unhappy. it doesn't like january...it's begging for february to rear its ugly head. well, okay, february isn't good either cause get what evil day is two weeks into it? huh? huh? I'll let y'all figure it out. I'm too angry to even speak it outloud. the only good that will come out of this is cut. and. bake. nothing else. snoopy is on these ones too. aww.

anyway, the evil red monster appeared, as I was sayin'...a week of hell on earth. a week of wanting to end things somehow, but without ending them. I'd just sit and play bejeweled all day and then I'd go to my room and stare at the tv with unfeeling eyes. that's the way it goes until I break down and fill up a few kleenex's and call myself stupid and silly and feel I have no need to be on this earth. it happens is all I'm sayin'...it happens. I even got upset by going to the forum since I had to go when I was in the worst possible mood. of course, I didn't show my mood until I felt ignored. I almost shed tears just cause I wasn't quoted or spoken to directly. I know that it happens and it has happened before and I just didn't say anything. that day I decided to make a comment about being ignored. I felt so silly afterwards once I was questioned for feeling that way. I blame the evil red monster for that one too!

the guest was here this past weekend. I got a stuffed luna kitty and a looney toons racing game! this should've made me happy. it did until the day after that when the evilness got worse. cramps appeared in the morning and I was worse than ever. still not completely out of my funk right now, but it's almost the end of january and I felt bad for not writing [at least not in places that are public].

okay, so the reason it's an even scarier place besides the fact that the evil red monster made an appearance and screwed with my emotions and my body is that of the evil tv monster that makes noises at night. I swear that sometimes I see some shadow form behind the tv!!! and a light comes through the window [of course, this could be streetlights or people driving by on their way to work]. I once shivered and cried abit. I swear, sometimes I'm just a big kid! no wonder no one wants to deal with me. well, if someone was sleeping next to me, I wouldn't be so terrifed of these little things, ya know? also, during the weekend, on saturday actually, while watching ice skating on tv, I heard wrapping noises. the noise of tape being ripped ..that ziiiip noise when you wrap a package. it was weird as hell since it went on for at least a few minutes. it wasn't my imagination at all!! I still don't know what it was since I looked out the window and around the corner [scary idea to do so if I thought it was some intruder, but hell, if I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna go out!! I actually felt no terror at this time since the lights were on and the tv; they were my company] and saw nothing. everything was well with the world outside. streetlights on, cars driving by, no strange cars parked outside this time.

I guess I'm just paranoid sometimes. I always picture myself in some scream movie when alone and at night. completely ridiculous. I sometimes wonder if people who really are hit by an intruder think about this scary movie premonition before it happens, too; cause if not, then it might mean that nothing will happen and the day I don't think I'm in a movie, someone will strike. I guess I'm safe since I never am not thinking this. I need to shutup. the evil red monster is telling me I'm just stupid and no one will like my story.

I started on the new layout for the weblog last night and I have big, big plans for the writing project! things are certainly coming together and I thought I was in over my head last week. especially since now I'm working on an online magazine too! good thing I got the teamwork article, so at least I won't have to forego [sp?] it alone since y'all knooow I procrastinate till I die. it's easy to raise your hand, it's hard to get the job done. remember that.

I was typing code for hours last night. I got the technicalities worked out, but I still need to fix the images, find a way to work with the css, and decide what I'm getting rid of, and what I'm keeping. it'll help me in redesigning the inner pages. anyway, I love early spring cleaning. makes me feel good. even when sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm doing to save my life. thank me anyway.

oh, and if y'all need an update, which I doubt you do, josh still hasn't returned which I have lovingly still called him FB. I think I'm dropping the FB soon. I have no emotion at all at the moment...I'm gonna send out a search party though. I'm worried and maybe once he returns I won't feel so apathetic. don't anyone tell me I told ya so, cause I'm not counting on this happening at the moment!

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