january 09, 2001
all virtual
and buying - power trippin'!


I hate to say it, but my life is all about peering into other people's lives and buying shit...lots of it. and giving them hell if I don't get what I want!! I think and think about it and really that's what my life has come down to. I have my own feelings, my own body and such, but I never said I put it to good use. I don't even use it often. I listen to music, I read the news, I read about people I don't really know, but who I think I know. I venture into buying more dvds and anime action figures. this doesn't mean much to most.

sometimes I wonder who I live for and what's the purpose. I never reach a goal. I start out with a picturesque story and it ends up being drivel; smashed like a bug on the ground. hrm, I s'pose you could say I'm learning things even with my sheltered existance, but what good is it? what good is knowing how to make tables and scrollbars and searching the web, when it doesn't pay the bills. mom scares me day by day whenever money is mentioned. whenever she says since I'm not doing my part in producing money, we might end up under the bridge and working at kmart. lovely thought, no?

I'm just sick of talk like that. I can't help that my body refuses to let me do much but sit here and soak up useless information and sleep half the day away. I can't help that. I could get a better job that pays more money than that yogasite will ever make me, but how? I don't have connections. I don't have the means to make it happen. and somedays I feel like death and can't do anything. if I got a job and had a schedule, would I be able to keep up with it? same as I could barely keep up with school my last year. I can't have a schedule. I work at the pace I work. mom says things don't work that way if you really need the cash. no one knows how bad these sinuses have gotten though. it is trecherous. I even asked in forums about it. it seems simple enough to tone down the pressure, but it seems to come back somehow. maybe cause I don't wash my hair enough [hee!]..it's a difficult thing when all I want is shorter hair. I can't reach the bottom of it. not that this has anything to do with anything. in fact, I was making a joke. my hair isn't hideous and it has nothing to do with my sinuses. at least I hope not. I think it's my pillowcases and the fact that my room attracts large amounts of dust since I have too many knicknacks. I just can't get rid of the stuff. it's a stupid reason since sinuses are alot worse than putting away some debris.

I had amy's pizza tonight. I was taking the cheese off so as not to really irritate my ears and throat to a larger degree, I picked with this fork and one piece was quite difficult. the cheese was hard to come off of the crust and I kept digging and digging until something flipped up and in. my. hair.!!! I got sauce in my hair!! it was really gross. I mean, I had to brush it for at least five minutes to be satisfied. I have enough debris on my scalp from the scabs from past diggings when bored that I don't need sauce in it now. that's just disgusting. I'm gross. one reason that no one would want to come over. I get food all over myself and I constantly mess with my ears to relieve sinus pressure. being glad you don't know me in person, eh?

I contacted the SM Specialty Store yesterday as I've mentioned on the weblog. they emailed around midnight later on and said they lost my order! and they greeted me with the wrong name and the wrong amount total that was charged [it was cheaper but hell, I don't want the wrong stuff]. anyway, they said they'd deduct the shipping charge and give me a freebie if I wanted to continue my order and they might not have medium in the youth shirt. I shrugged it off and decided a large would be fine, so I wrote them back giving them ultimatums on how to keep my business [I call it power trippin'!]. I said and I quote:

"thank you for responding so fast. I'd just like to say that our total was around $63 and I don't know a Kathy, but I assume that was just a mistake. but yes, I'd like to continue my order if the calendar is still available [right now that's the main item I'm in need of]. and if there isn't a size m in the action lines shirt I'd go with a large or go with the Moon Power shirt in m or l. thank you."

very straight and to the point. I'm still waiting for a reply, but I'm hopeful under these terms. I'm not sure if coughing up their mistake on name and total was entirely necessary. it might not've been tactful, but am I ever? it had to be said or they might just mess up the order again. I wasn't downsizing their business or anything. I don't know if I'll take back my business if the calendar is not available, but it seems like they'd try harder to keep my business after this fiasco if they wanted me to return in the future.

I began to watch the second volume to Eva, but I only got past episode five [the first one] when I got distracted and stopped it. I had forgotten that I hadn't seen it yet, but I guess it was badtiming seeing as mom was in the room talking to me for abit and then it was time for nighttime shows, so I'll have to pop it in later on inbetween leno and conan. I like where rei ayanami slaps shinji on the escalator. that was true emotion. I was like: "you go girl!" but then I felt bad for the boy. aww..it's just because he looks all young and innocent but I still liked that scene.

I have an idea for a new design over at the weblog! now, the only thing I need to do is put the thought into action. I'm thinking that white would be a nice change even though I had white before the black design for middle of december, but honestly, I like white better than black in general. I need a picture to alter and I need to do something about the side projects too. I might just make a writing weblog over at blogger just the same and link it from the main blog. delete a few projects that didn't work out. *shrugs* I'm keeping up the anime art section for any sketches I'd like to contribute later when the scanner is hooked up, but I just don't think the feng shui satire will ever take off. it was a good idea, but honestly, I can't think past that first launching which wasn't as successful as I would've liked. anyway, maybe I'll bring it back later but for now, it's just wasting space.

discussing web business is a big faux pas I think. I just am excited about the possibilities and that is my reason for living practically. that and writing. two things put together and whooosh ya have inspiration. I guess more people should do what they want and not worry about the subtext. it's all bullshit anyway.

oh yeah, no word from josh but I'd like to be close to him more than ever; more than I have in the past week or more when he was out of my system. he's back and the passion of music and him put together make me lose my connection to even my virtual reality.

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