january 04, 2001 bills bills bills and pretty good sinus year 10:18pm the only thing on my mind lately are checks, what is owed, what was bought, etc. it seems that a few of the checks I had are obsolete now. I can't use them since it has been longer than six months. now I'm not sure I'll have enough to pay back from all the shopping I did last month. isn't this always the killer after the holidays are over and you're off of that glittery high? you sink back to reality and realise what is goin on. how much was really spent. basically the big ass bill with everything you owe out in black ink. we actually can check online, but same idea. black print. it's there. a looong list of like 2 pages and $4000 worth on the credit card. mom wants me to just give her all my money; to go fill out some forms, get a bank account and cash all those checks. well, she went to the bank at albertson's today and it turns out it's not that easy. it would be easy if, say, I had a texas driver's license; then all I'd have to do would be to go down there for ten minutes and they can fill it all out on their computer. unfortunately, I'm a stupidass who can't drive and therefore does not have a license. then, they said, "ooh we take any ID! ten minutes ten minutes!! then it'll be done!" and being me, well, you get the idea...I have no identity basically. the only thing I have showing that I am me and I exist is my birth certificate. this makes me feel very lowly. what the hell? I realise I can't do much the way things are looking. why don't I have ID? why don't I have a license? I don't think about these things until they become something I'm in dire need of to do something that is asked of me. things are never ever simple when it comes to me. anyone could say it's simple to go to the DMV and get an ID and then go to the bank and show them the ID, ten minutes ten minutes!! bing! dooone! bills paid, all is right in the world. unfortunately, I can't stand going out for more than maybe thirty minutes or I will panic. you will see me flare up, I will want to kill somebody. it was hard enough going to the bank while at grandma's to sign papers for this house. I wonder why I can't have a bank account, but yet I can have a house. what the hell is that about I'm sure I will get these things eventually, but I almost went today to the bank thinking it would only be for a moment. I just wanted to get it over with so the nagging can stop and it wouldn't be my fault if there was extra interest. there could be if these checks aren't cashed. everything depends on the checks. I feel so guilty since it was mostly my shopping that brought the bill so high. I mean, a tv? dvd's...the list goes on and on. I just shrink in the corner and get all sniffly since I don't like when mom begins to get upset at me for putting it off. okay, well, good thing I didn't go today at the last minute since all this was figured into the equation and I would've went for no reason. mom decided it was best to check this out and ask questions about it. good thing is all I'm sayin'! this entry could've turned uglier if the former thought had occured. sure, maybe some would be happy I took a little drive even if it was for no good, but I wouldn't like it. I don't like doing things that don't get me anything. don't bring a euphemism out of that. now we're not sure how these checks will be cashed but we'll deal something out. mom could ask grandpa to put the checks in her name and all would be solved until I get an account, but grandpa won't. he doesn't want mom to steal my money or something; so silly! plus, he'd probably like me to suffer through getting this stuff done. he'd be delighted and I'd just snarl. okay, enough! I just hope I get my sailor moon order by the end of this month at least. it's on the bill and I don't see it, do you? is my calendar hiding? wha? I just don't like things that take weeks! they make it sound like it'll get out to you in a week. I ordered that before xmas. it should be here by now! I have bad feng shui in my room which is bringing really restless sleep because my calendar is stuck in december 2000. feel my pain! my sinuses seem to be acting up more than usual since the holidays began. you remember my new years entry of last time? ooh horrible! I can't believe how insane I sound when my head and ears suffer. mom says I just need to find out what's wrong and maybe there's a cure since she can't take much more of me grabbing at my head most nights. it could be food though. mostly it's at night when I eat the most and the two pieces fit together. this could be the cause! food!! well, I don't think I'd change my diet. the egg muffin I had tonight hasn't done damage yet [*crosses fingers*] and it usually doesn't, sooo I guess it's not eggs. it must be excessive bread products; wheat allergies. I try to limit my intake though. okay, so on top of the sinuses, my stomach has been bloated since the new year started. even before that, but it's weird bringing old things into the new millenium and having it continue to be there. anyway, I'm not sure where the bloating is coming from, but it sucks. marshmellow effect all the way! my head has also felt flighty, but that's probably a sinus symptom or sleep symptom [why does the word symptom look weird all of the sudden? it looks wrong!]. at least my soap opera is extra exciting this year and other things are just mundane. nothing horrible has happened at least which makes me at least somewhat content. I feel like having something exciting happen this year...at least josh returning would be good. I haven't mentioned him in awhile, and sadly, there is nothing to say. he hasn't been back. I feel depressed as all hell when I think about it since then I decide it's because no one wants to stick around in my case. even if they seem interested, they disappear. it has happened various times in the past and recently. alot of people I have liked at one time have disappeared. at least I have his cousin to ask, so I know he's not dead and there's a logical reason for his disappearance, but it has been waaay too long. it has been about two months without him around. did anyone notice the positive imoods began to dissipate once he disappeared? that's because I haven't felt really happy at all not counting shopping for xmas gifts [and even that was tainted once I found out how horrible a time everyone seemed to have without us there and so buying these gifts lost meaning somehow and they refused to send the cookies which I was looking forward to] since josh left. he brought out some happiness in me and I think I brought some out in him and I sometimes wonder if he's happy whatever he is doing now. if he ever gets online, but I don't know about it. if he obviously doesn't think about me sitting here waiting like an idiot. not really *waiting*, but it seems that way since I'm still here and he's not. I don't blame him and I'm not sayin' he's a bad person or he disappeared because of me since I'm not that selfish to think so. I just miss his presence is all. he was the nicest person and I liked him. that is all. I don't think I could ever call anyone else fake boyfriend [FB] ever. I'm going to go find something or someone to laugh at or maybe find a cookie? anyone got a cookie with sprinkles on top and erm, and yummy and sugary and and and?? cause this is really unnerving! previous // next // history All Writing/Images Copyright © 2000-01 Amber. sardonic-hee enterprises