Tonight is like going back in time. sad nights staring out of windows looking at dim-lit windows muddled by shades; car doors slamming in the background.

On A Night Like This
11:42 PM CST

I realise I get more giddy over items I didn't previously want or items I wasn't expecting to get if that makes sense. I still have yet to read alot of the books in my queue (that I got for xmas and before) yet I read the one mom got me one day on a whim from B&N (which I finished a couple weeks ago - it was really good, yo! pick up Before the Quake by Haruki Murakami - since it's short stories, you don't have to get super involved, but well, I did anyway cause I'm obsessed) and I got mucho use out of my free gift from amazon. yeah, I'm not sure I can explain it. it's not like I can say just items that are free cause obviously I use items I order on a whim; I cannot say I exclude all items I get for holidays that I knew I was getting cause obviously I'm reading one of the books I got for xmas now and quite enjoyed alot of the items already. it's complicated. all I'm sayin' is that I sometimes move stuff up in the queue based on lack of knowledge that it would be had soon or whatever. moving on...

A breakdown may occur soon. I can semi-feel it might based on the fact that I've been feeling nostalgic. after watching Ghost World, I realised me and Teri were like them in a way (we caused people harm, made fun of them, played pranks on the telephone, followed people, hid in the bushes, went to the stop'n'go to hang out which is abit like that convenience store shown ..hah) though we didn't go to the same high school and we parted ways before high school ended as hard as it seems to believe cause actually sometimes I don't believe it happened (I know I sound like a broken record - the sort that flop off the turntable and continue in a nasally warble which you are too lazy to fix, so you cover you ears and curl up in a corner).

When I told mom about how talking about Teri is something that sometimes cheers me up - this hunt to find her, this obsession with searching for her on Google on slow nights, wondering what she's up to and maybe if she moved back to Virginia again meaning if I went searching for her, I'd just find an abandoned house (the sort we used to break into when little) or a new family would've moved in and I'd be staring into what was and just be more at a loss - she said she actually was surprised considering I hadn't brought her up in awhile (I told her how that time we -me, lindsey and friend- went downtown instead, I had the idea that we search for Teri which was the most enthusiastic I ever got about going anywhere; I forgot I never mentioned it). maybe it's for the best I stop thinking about her, but whenever I feel like my mood is shifting, I think of the past and pretend it just happened like last week.

Anyway, seeing the movie brought up the feelings again (it was a good movie for the record ..do buy or rent! it had its funny moments and held just an essence of the original comic which I read this past summer; I'll definitely be watching it again soon. I think it's just my mood that makes me nostalgic - not everyone will have this reaction; *ahem* I sure have alot of asides in this damn entry so far). I blocked Teri from my mind for the most part considering I either didn't put much thought into anything heavy or was pretty content with what was going on; now I'm not so sure. perhaps it's cause grandpa will be arriving. I don't want to breakdown then. maybe it's best to talk it out now.


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Teri was my one best friend. she knew about most of my oddities and accepted them though she'd constantly say I was a baby and mock me on occasion - I think it was to get me to grow up. she was always the boss except when she wasn't around. I was sort've bossy to my friends or at least an equal. I found power in it considering what she taught me; how she taught me to act. I was abit more outgoing towards people - speak my mind and fight back. during her time with me in high school, I was the happiest evah! despite not getting guy friend to notice me, I was pretty much content cause we always had some exciting adventure planned for the weekend. one particular moment flashes through my mind:

The apartment in Seabrook: we're in her room with the black lights on listening to some alternative band. she dances into the light while I stand there and says, "may I accompany youuuuu tooo thhheee xmaaaas daaaance?" then extends her hand. I laugh and laugh. she did not accompany me to the dance considering I didn't go, but for some reason, it amused me that she'd want to attend my school's events.

I did attend hers though. maybe that's where it went downhill. it made it seem like I was trying more to be a part of what she was up to than her melding into my world - my friends. she disliked most my friends except guy friend. they shook hands and made up one night at my house while loud rap music played in the background - quite a movie epic moment if there ever was one. apparently he used to make fun of her skinniness and made her feel insecure and we called him and his friends bastards then threw darts at them sayin' we hated boys. well, that was over once high school hit and it was very good cause he was part of zee gang now. our three person gang would go all around the area in our own little world. the best was the time we went to this therapy building cause guy friend needed help (I forget why) and we bounced around in the waiting area which seemed abandoned then left. we did alot of unexplainable things - never real outings - just bouncing from place to place admiring the surroundings. we never wanted to sit still cause stillness was boring.

Sometimes I wonder if she appeared on my doorstep tomorrow with commands to get dressed and we'd be going here, here and here, if I'd just go back to normal. sometimes I don't feel normal. sometimes I'm in the here and now and like it. mom read from one of her new self help books tonight explaining how being trapped in the past or daydreaming about the future is the problem; it's what causes anxiety and stress. being in the present; the here and now is what is correct. yeah, yeah, blahblahcakes.

Really being in the here and now involves me blocking my mind from everything and just reading websites till bedtime - only doing the essentials inbetween. not putting much thought into what might be or what once was. it is a good destresser (this word looks made up, but ignore it). most wonder how I could be stressed; sometimes I wonder how I cannot be considering I have no direct plan beyond this website and maybe eBay every so often when I'm desperate.

My life is surrounded by when the next album's release date is and what's on tv. as it should be. anything else complicates matters like right now. sometimes I think to myself that someone to love (or pretend to love) would cheer me or old friends to return may pick my spirits up, but I don't know. after years of this, I delude myself. I'm in love with ideas.


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Mom: It's like watching Amber [me] on tv! (about Drew Barrymore who mom thinks looks like me still; maybe in the E.T. movie compared to when I was little, but now I'm not sure - maybe only certain expressions or side views)
Me: I wouldn't be as animated
Mom: Well, no I guess not. 'so, what about that movie?' 'eh, the movie is "okay". blah.'
Me: Oooh I'll also then complain about my ....
Mom: [interrupts] YES!
Me: 'sorry, these sinuses just screw with me sometimes *sticks finger in ear* oooh wait! I brought my special gold q-tip box with watering cup! let me get them out now'
Mom: Ewww....
Me: Well, I can picture it



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The new neighbours might have arrived. I heard one guy outside the other night sayin' 'this is ridiculous!' then I crouched down and peered out the window where a moving truck; slanted in the middle of the road; was parked outside the house next to a parked car. mom exclaimed, "you're quite the spy!"

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