My emotions have been up and down lately (perhaps it's getting close to the time though it seemed like I just had one; oh well) plus I just realised I'm nobody's type; not even my own really.

Illusion Frame The Games We Played
06:07 PM CST

For *some* cheer, here's as much of my card display from xmas that could be captured with my shoddy digicam:


Sorry to those who's cards were displayed behind others and on the other side that was in the shadows. I hate how the digicam buzzes at shadows lately; more than I should feel at least. we already know its limitations.


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The day has been bizarre so far (woo! rhyme!). this morning, after reading abit from Stargirl; I'm about halfway through it now - I would've finished if I read it in the daytime, I decided I didn't want to wake up for decades. I woke up at 2:15pm to the sound of 'RAAAAAWWWR!' ...it kept repeating and repeating. I thought I was in hell; especially after that dream involving a Marilyn Manson movie I happened to have. I tried giving it away to Thandiwe (hee!) and she was thrilled yet kept trying to make me watch the movie on various screens in some big mall. I kept running around to escape it going "nooooo!!" I didn't care if it became the best movie EVAAAH considering that scary scene with his eyes glowing at the beginning. I don't even know, yo. it's not like I've seen him on tv lately, so I'm unsure what he's doing in my subconscious.

Anyway, the kid kept screaming 'DAAAAADDDDY Loooooook!!' alot then I'd hear this stampede on wheels noise and 'VRROOOOOOOM!' over and over again. my first thought was 'where has this kid been hiding the past few months or more? and wasn't there a baby crying in the summer? not a toddler? maybe these are new neighbours' ...this is how out of touch I am. I looked out the window to see exactly what was going on. there was this curly haired boy pushing a wheelbarrow next to his dad who had one as well ...wtf? I thought I was still dreaming for a second. it seemed abit weird in my half awake state. if they had looked up, I probably looked like the evil witch, sneering at them with my hair uncombed. I have been rather bitter lately - and I was soooo cheerful xmas eve. my one full happy day this year I s'pose. come and gone. the free pass has gone and left.

After my slight peek out, I went back to bed, put the headphones on high volume to block out the noise and listened to Ms. John Soda in peace for a good 40 minutes or so. got up after that and felt lonely as I did going to bed. oh well.


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Everything the past couple days has been getting to me. dad still not paying the money and thinking giving me bread and coughing everywhere is a good idea, the *secret issue*, and otherwise blahness. the only thing I want to eat lately is tortellini though earlier chicken nuggets from Wendy's sounded good. I'm losing weight and looking unhappy. maybe eating this tortellini tonight will keep me level cause I hate losing. I at least want to somewhat look presentable to myself if no one else.

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