Drowned. Rat. that's sort've how I feel. sticky moments after a shower, greasy hair, slick skin, chapped lips and I keep sneezing all over this room. I'm sure that's real sanitary, but oh well.

Pull All The Leaves From The Trees That Fall
11:45 PM CST

There's one thing I've noticed about myself beyond the anxiety issue. I don't think I've ever not complained or had some type of ill symptom. it's true. I say I haven't been sick in years which is true in a sense that I haven't gotten an actual cold that stays for a week or two then leaves or a fever that goes away after a few days or even a virus. I just get constant symptoms that something will happen. sometimes I have an okay moment and I relish in those times. I used to have more of those moments before the anxiety issue, but eh. I mean, I got titled "sick girl" in middle school cause I'd go home almost everyday before gym class with a fever. really I didn't want to be in gym cause I was modest and would be forced to change out in the bathroom stalls, but really I always had a fever by that class all the same. if I didn't have gym and had just class time instead perhaps I would've braved it though. still, either way ya slice it, I was always suffering from something.

The worst was end of junior year beginning of senior year. I'd practically break out in a cold sweat by midday like clockwork each day, suffer from mild wanting to die moments, then get a migraine from the fluorescent lights (yes, this is why I relate to that Carissa's Wierd song; those lights just aren't natural) by the end of the day trying to block it out by fake napping. it got tiring even attempting school or anything. I don't know. severe allergies and sinuses didn't even fully appear till the summer after graduation. perhaps I had been suffering for abit longer though and didn't know till aunt jo jo told me she had the exact same problems. maybe I just decided to call it a 24/7 cold. I did have colds all the time in school, too. those cannot stop coughing sorts. the sorts they send you out of the room cause you're disturbing the peace kinds. I hated being the center of attention and would try to stifle the coughs as I shuddered inside - it was hard to hold my breath. yeah, I don't get many cough attacks anymore - probably cause I don't contact them from other kids. the other symptoms I've gotten - stuffed up nose, watery eyes, sneezing could've been sinus/allergies. bleh. either way I was a misery case.

Sometimes I think it was a blessing in disguise not to have that big birthday extravaganza I was going to have cause I recall just asking was difficult considering what I was suffering from around that time when I had no idea what I was suffering from; I semi-wondered what I was getting myself into really. I guess I wanted to brave it at that time cause it seemed silly to me and I figured if I completely shutdown and never attempted to speak out, I'd have lonely times for a long while. of course, in the end I was both relieved and crushed. I just would talk about the 'crushed' feelings though (obviously). I didn't want to lose half my new friends, but somehow the party seemed *too much* - if y'all don't recall (I don't remember entry numbers), it was to involve a limo ride downtown and shopping and eating. um yes. that was around the time I decided to stop going to restaurants and didn't go out as much on the weekends. I think I still went to a concert though (which I begged to go home early from cause it was *too much*). anyway, the point is that, I have mixed feelings about everything.


This all brings us to the here and now. me and my war inflicted head sitting here feeling the spotlights cascade down on me cause the other light is dead. I'm wishy washy about everything; everything I can give an excuse for in a way. I can just say I don't feel well cause it's true. the thing is is that I don't entirely want anyone to find out I've been calling out "sick!" everytime they ask me to do something. I used to be real good at faking it in the beginning by doing a few things then calling "sick!" ...now I always call "sick!" it's like crying "wolf!" I think. it's just a thing that if I don't mention not feeling well, what if I do whatever is asked of me and it turns out I'm really sick and I embarass myself? I used to not care if I embarassed myself as much before the anxiety, but now I care too much. it's all me. I'm the only one who cares about the way I look. no one else does. I also wonder if that should bother me. I wouldn't want to be seen as perfect, but being seen as nothing and something to overlook, makes me atad worried as well. sometimes I wish I could just captivate everyone no matter if I'm sneezing everywhere, feeling like I'm going to throw up, breaking in a cold sweat and saying stupid things about wanting to kill my head. I'd wish they could all say, "there she is! the cool one! awwwriiiight she's going to have a major whiney fit now involving hitting and screaming!" yes, it would be nice to somehow be seen as captivating no matter what I do. who wouldn't want that though? (it's been discussed at MATH+1)


I think I'm all cried out cause of this past morning. I read the entry everyone said made them cry (Pamie's one about Allison and Chris's wedding) and well, I didn't cry. I sort've got misty eyed at one point, but no tears. that shows that man, I must've outcried myself, yo. I mean, I even cried yesterday over the polar bear coke commercials they show every xmas ...the little polar bear was pawing at the older one and awww *sniff* it was sooo cute. I even almost cried at the sight of the little sock monkey I'm giving grandpa. I stuck it in the penguin mug and its little arms go up as if to say 'wheee!'


One thing I semi-wanted to accomplish before the end of the year? be kissed to override the blaaaah first one of last year that I did not ask for and don't know why I didn't mind in the end. really now, it shouldn't be that hard. I'd even pay ya!

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*hugs*... I hope you're feeling better soon, AŽka. :)

(I got an exemption from gym class, all through junior high -- had I told you about that before? I hated having to undress around everyone, and I just didn't like PE class at all)

That sock monkey sounds so cute! :D


- 12.19.2002 12:26 AM - Yansa


Ooo, and how about a mix CD trade in January? (Things are just weird and hectic right now, but it should all calm down by mid-January or so...)


- 12.19.2002 12:27 AM - Yansa


Yessuh you did tell me that one AIM chat ...hee! I certainly sympathise; gym sucks, yo. I exercised on my own time; I was always walking the neighbourhood and riding my bike around then - maybe I need gym now though...so not motivated :)

It is! just go to thinkgeek.com if you want to see what I'm talkin' about ..it's the smallest $3.99 one. I'd provide a link, but the computer is slow. I hope grandpa likes it; I plan on writing in the card how it can be a reminder that I'm always there in spirit :D

Yes, that sounds cool. do tell me your address when you're ready for a trade and I'll do the same :)

- 12.19.2002 01:14 AM - Amber


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