Play Your Hand You Big Talkin' Man
07:35 PM CST
Dad came over on Thursday. I promptly remained civil towards him for the first minute or so. he was making it hard to hear Friends which I was watching. oh he doesn't care usually, so I just tried to remain quiet, nodding and trying to pay attention to both things. he asked me if I wanted to see the lights over at the old house. I said "nah." and left it at that. he brought in the Sooth Crazy Girl voice which I hadn't heard in awhile. this is the voice that makes me raise my voice. if he wouldn't ever use that voice again, I'd remain civil to him whenever I see him which I have been. I haven't blown up entirely in almost a year. anyway, he said I could wear my pjs in the car and just drive by them if I wanted. I figured he thought I didn't know how to dress and didn't want to go cause it would take effort. that is not it. I've dressed and gone out for others. I just didn't feel like it right then cause I was immobile *plus* I cannot go anywhere with just him and him alone. he doesn't understand much. I can talk music with him and remain civil with small talk, but don't force me into hanging out with you like a friend. he suggested doing anything I wanted to do if I didn't want to do that like the movies. I told him the only movie I wanted to see wasn't in the theatre anymore. he asked which it was, so I mentioned. he asked if it was playing downtown; that he'd take me. I then explained to him in two billion new ways that it WASN'T PLAYING ANYMORE. yes, it's not that hard to follow. he forgets soon after I say anything or isn't listening entirely in the first place. example? the pie thing. blah.
After that, he left defeated with that Sad Executed look. I felt semi-bad, but yeah. I was hormonal and angry already. I just wanted to watch tv and perhaps be civil about music if that.
Later that night, mom told me what he said that made her upset. I guess I wasn't the only one. she told me he leaves whenever money is brought up. she suggested he give some money each month for things I need; that it would really help with finances. this doesn't count trivial things; stuff like food and other necessities. he refused sayin' if I was living with him then he would provide that stuff plus he offers to do stuff for me and bring me stuff yet I say no. AUGH! I just say no to hanging out and I don't push for money or anything, so whatever. he never asks if I need toothpaste. not that I do, but I'm just sayin'. I asked hypothetically if I was off at college and not here with her, if he would provide for me. she said probably not cause he's a cheapskate. I can never tell if what she says is true though cause obviously I haven't heard both sides of the story, but yeah. it makes me angry just to consider that's what he said. she later will tell me that is just what he says she says and I'm like 'uhh you just told me last night!' ...no matter that I'm atad confused on who is correct, but regardless, he still hasn't been paying the $500/month. mom seems to not want to bring him to court about it; I don't know. I guess I won't start caring until we're in danger of not being able to pay bills. he just makes me angry sometimes even without the added money issue.
Clearing the air here with a lighter topic - I finished my xmas shopping! $161.33 was the total. not too bad considering I thought I'd go overboard. I did decide not to get everyone mints though, so that lessened the end price. I'm just glad everything has been taken care of for the most part. whenever it gets there is another story. they'll just be happy they're getting something I hope ..heh.
On Saturday I slept till 6pm cause I felt awful. stupid falling off the roof did some damage this time around. richard was supposed to come around, but by 11pm when I was inbetween sleep and no word, I just decided he wasn't coming and untensed myself. whenever I don't feel well and I'm expecting someone, I get more tense. most think it's their fault I'm tense, but really I'm just *more* tense. not that I wouldn't be tense at all if they weren't around. I fear looking bad in front of people. this has always been a problem for me. even when I think back, I've hardly ever cried or let my guard down in front of friends. I only show my cheerful, hyper, odd side. I guess it's a reflex cause if I remain in that state, I won't break down and have to apologise. once I break down, it's hard to stop, so I leave that to when I'm alone. leave others out of seeing it.
I did have a good cry before bed that morning before all that occurred. I figured it would clear the tenseness up, but it didn't sadly. I was abit less tense after the tea and pastry, but still shaky and stomach kept flip flopping. I stayed in bed till suddenly I heard the door. I mumbled to mom that whoever it was, tell them to go away or don't open the door. she said she couldn't do that and not to be silly. I sat on the edge of my bed and pretended to be in a different world cause erm yeah, I had been tense all day. I didn't know if I could put on a happy face.
It was richard (like it would be anyone else at midnight). I felt like quite the idiot to be in my pjs without any makeup on to hide my blotched skin or at least combed hair! I seem to always look abit halfassedly made up each time he comes over. no wonder I am not very crushable (at least I think so).
After the game system was set up (he brought it over cause it was being picked up by someone the next day, so that would be the only time I could see my Japanese games till I get my own chip; yes, his has a chip, mine does not; reason for all o' that ..okay), I loosened up abit or tried. I still kept being fidgety and impatient which is my nature. the first game (Pretty Samy) consisted of like fifteen minutes of dialogue; probably more, but I gave up on there ever being some fighting in the near future, so we put in Slayers! Slayers was abit less annoying cause there was a battle scene, but damnit! more dialogue! I think whoever described the one game was absolutely wrong and well, the other just was misrepresented on the page. it seems they are RPG's and not what they were said to be; minimal japanese my ass. heh.
It was alot more fun when I began to improv what they were sayin' ...I decided they were definitely talking trash, so this is abit o' it:
Enemy Person: I'm going to kick your ass
Slayer: Yeah right! C'mon and bring it!
Enemy Person: Ahahahahah! AHAhahahah! you must be joking, right?
Slayer: No, I think we need to settle this!
Enemy Person: Rahahahahahah! you're pretty!
Slayer [Confused Look]: Um, wha?
Enemy Person: Let's go fight now!
Slayer [Confused Look Again]: No, I'm not finished yet!