Sometimes I don't know what to write here [as in this starting paragraph to make you want to go further into the entry of course] (that's the garshdarned truth!).

So Fucking Triumphant
09:35 PM CST

My mind is getting sketchy lately. I seem to be forgetting things easily that I just thought barely an hour or so ago. it's rather disconcerting to say the least. I bet it's the antiperspirant in the deodorant yes. I've gotten paranoid ever since Pamie's deodorant entry. of course, Alzheimer's isn't supposed to occur so soon, so I figure the memory lapsing is just cause I'm not being stimulated often enough lately.

Slight depression occurred a night or two ago, but I figure it's just cause it's November. we all know from past entries how November goes usually. last year was probably the suckiest in awhile, but still. it's not that bad things don't happen in other months, but for some reason November brings longer depressions than other months. weather in addition to emotionalisms. I keep having thoughts of turning things around, but yeah. they're just thoughts. the storylines in my head could be made into a novel perhaps. it's the stuff I follow through thoughtwise to bring myself to reality though it never pans out if that made sense. it's like planning something, getting it in your head how you'll go through with it then deciding not to do it anyway. that's how I go about with everything.

Lately I've been having the 'xmas trip' storyline play out a few times. it always gets stopped when I think 'hmm... I don't have a warm enough jacket to go to Ohio' -dreams up a new jacket for the occasion- 'okay then! hrm, oh wait. I need an i.d. which wasn't as important when I was barely eighteen when travelling, but post-911 would make it important' -dreams up trip to get i.d. within xmas trip story as backstory scene- 'okay, must get all gifts before a certain date cause always must arrive at least a week before xmas cause it'll be crowded any other time. even that is too late' -thinks up time it would take to gather up gifts, pack them, figure out a way to get suitcase to fit all my stuff plus gifts and then check-in scene- 'alrighty; now where will I be met once I get there and for that matter, would I be able to get a window seat and how will I avoid the not eating discussion with seat mate?' -thinks and thinks with no solution- 'okay, maybe I should forget the trip unless I don't go at it alone'. yes, I think too much. this is how every thought process occurs. I swear. if I just didn't think about the restraints, it could completely be doable. it's only November! or as my brain likes to think of it, 'November could go in a flash of depression therefore only leaving December; wait till next year till next year seems too close call and plan for a 2004 trip till that is too close call as well...'

This could go on and on, ya know? (I have another storyline of going to the Rainer Maria show on 11/16 as well. that one is abit more complex considering I'd have to find someone to go with in that case) it's rather sad. now I realise why I have trouble remembering names and places occasionally to the point of headaches. I cause my brain to go into overdrive over rather stupid things too often.


Dad came over on Sunday I forgot to mention. he got stumped on a Pink Floyd cover song by Low. it felt rather triumphant of me considering he's a big Pink Floyd fan and didn't know it! not that I knew it beforehand either, but I'm not a big fan, ya see? anyway, he got waaaay too into Thursday. he began banging on the walls as he usually does with mom chiming in with, "there he goes again!" he then roared, "it's got valleys *and* mountains!! that's GREAT!" I was rather amused. he is rather amusing sometimes sorry to say.

Sunday was rather great though considering I got $63 in eBay sales plus the $20 I made previously. I do love making money. of course, I didn't do as promised and save it (welllll, it's not that I didn't save it considering I have more money than just that, but yeah, I did spend money recently, so it can be said that that particular money went into the purchases. any way ya look at it, money was spent and is now gone from the balance). I'm pulling a shopping addict move when I say I *saved* money by cancelling that jcrew exchange order and spending less money. it was still more than I was supposed to spend on the exchange though, so either way, mom may be miffed since she didn't know about what *was* actually about to be spent before it was stopped.

The guilt is increasing since she bought me these cute grey kitty socks today and there's this cute handwriting font that says 'purr' inbetween them. I spent quite abit on three pairs of socks on that jcrew order. she knew I was exchanging for socks, but I guess she figured since I was only getting *one* pair, I could use this cute pair to show I can get socks cheaper and way cuter than trouser socks. augh. it's like those soap opera plotlines where the person cannot confess at all cause the other person is being so nice. not that I am going to confess; at least not quite yet. she'll figure it out if she sees me wearing more than one pair of socks. I'll let it run its course till the items arrive.

[adding in something I don't know where to add anywhere else; ugh I hate when I don't want to interrupt the current discussion of money to discuss food, but it shall be done!

Mom's been getting free oriental food from this lady in her class ever since Friday. this weekend it was eggrolls and sticky rice. I liked the eggrolls. today it was something involving meat that made me gag to look at plus some type of fish on top of fried rice. I joked that mom should call dad up to discard of the meat and fish. the rice I would've eaten if it was actually meal food. instead I had tortellini. maybe the rice can be had as a snack later unless mom discarded of it cause it had shrimp in it. just push the shrimp aside is all!]


There is one thing I realise above all else. no matter how many things I think about buying or actually bought, I'm still rather unhappy underneath it all. blargh to nostalgia and wishing someone liked me without me having to change my whole persona. that's way too hard as witnessed.

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Tengo comentarios. Soy la perra de ningún hombre. Digo tan lo que pienso. No pare para estar solo. Rebane abierto esta cosa. ¡Como un mono sobre un cupcake! ¡Feroz! Una vez que usted haga esta cosa su perra, usted será el hombre. ¿Pero siendo solo, sin persona? Fransisco está aquí, pero no allí. Ése es algo. ¿Pero cuál es él? No tengo ningún conocimiento de esto. Entienda. Soy un hombre simple. Pero, veo todos con claridad. Porque mi vida es simple. Soy trabajador del día, pero estrangulo vida y bebo el néctar dulce. ¿Puede usted hacer menos? ¡No! ¡Míra! ¡Fuera de la ventana! ¿Vea el mundo en toda la belleza horrible? Estrangule el mundo y poseerlo. El néctar será encontrado ninguna otra manera.

- 11.07.2002 03:55 PM - Fransisco


Ever have days where you are just so angry you could kill everyone? I'm having one of those and its not even pms. Every little thing people are doing around me is bothering me. My miserable life. I tell you. two jobs. two lives. two boyfriends-one I hate and one I hate more. too tired. too pissed. too much for me to deal with anymore. Nothing is fun. It's all work. And I envy that you can sit there in front of a computer screen for hours as a time and be able to do whatever the hell you want. I can't seem to use mine at all anymore. And by the time I get home from both jobs I'm too tired to do anything. I need to email you. I swear to god! It's that bad. Glad you are still hangin in there, Amber. I miss you so damn much!!!!!

- 11.07.2002 07:55 PM - Starcat


Awww ...*hugs*
I was just thinking about you earlier wondering how things were ..I'm sorry it sucks that bad :(

We'll have to catch up ...indeed.

- 11.07.2002 08:19 PM - Amber


Mis palabras favoritas en la lengua castellana son ¡"vosotros" y "yunque"! Ésas son las palabras más interesantes de mis clases del español del colegio.

Estoy muy confundido con respecto del néctar. No hay caballos gigánticos de oro. No hay tiburones del supermercado. No hay Campanas de Taco. No tengo dinero. ¡Dinero es el yunque del diablo! El diablo tiene mucho dinero y un caballito sabroso de plata fina, pero el diablo no tiene bastantes baños. Lo me siento, lo me siento. Soy un perdidor, cómo Beck, por supuesto. Soy un caballo muy amoroso, pero no hay néctar. ¡Me gusta los Esmurfs!

Vaya con dios.

--juan carlos

- 11.09.2002 12:10 AM - Don Juan Carlos de Yunque y Vosotros


Bwah!! at first I thought you were the original spanish speaker and wondered what I had said this time ...heheheh

anvil is indeed a lovely word. and smurfs ...word

- 11.09.2002 12:56 AM - Amber


November somehow always ends up meaning having to say goodbye to someone for me. It's always kind of a sad month.

- 11.09.2002 06:55 AM - Mafia Pixie




Las páginas aquí son tan diversión. El ámbar dice a puta a veces. Eso es divertido también.

- 11.09.2002 03:44 PM - Fransisco


MP - ah yes, that's essentially what I was sayin' about emotionalisms. '97 was best friend (at the time), '98 ..well, grandpa on dad's side died, but that was October 28th; close enough...heh, '99 was the old house, '00 was a net friend, '01 was Will (in a way though we still talk; it was goodbye in a diff way), and so far this year nothing drastic *crosses fingers* it stays that way.

Francisco - since Babelfish (the translator site) keeps crashing the computer today, I cannot translate that.

Anyone? help? hee!

- 11.09.2002 06:30 PM - Amber


Cuando estaba en el mercado noté que como caminé mis brazos harían pivotar. Los miraba con mucha concentración. ¡Mis brazos pararon el hacer pivotar! ¡Ahora camino rígido como un poste! No tengo ninguna razón de vivir. Por favor Dios... Tome mi vida. ¡El diablo tiene mi alma!

- 11.10.2002 11:50 PM - Mauricio


Um, alright...uh....y'all are crazy.

Let's try to stay on topic Mauricio; rather perplexed about the pivoting and devils, but I advise maybe talking to someone else about those *problems* you're having.

- 11.11.2002 01:10 AM - Amber


Pero, ¿cual es la fecha de hoy? ¡Estoy muy confundido! Mi caballo de plata fina es confundido también. ¡Ay! ¡No recuerde eso, mi Aëkacita muy bonita! ¡No estoy el diablo! ¡Seriamente!

- 11.11.2002 01:23 AM - Juan Carlos, el Rey del Queso y los Yunques


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