Is pain ever far behind when my name is mentioned? probably not. pain is my neverending sidekick. just sometimes it takes a long smoke break.

Rock Could Be So Good, But We Make it All Rubbishy
11:56 PM CST

[TMIx2] Suddenly I'm having the WORST gas/pms pain for no reason.[/TMIx2] mom said maybe it's cause I'm being a pain in the ass - apparerently I'm on a roll with the whining. I swear I haven't been whining that much. does anyone ever believe in bad karma after someone tells you something like that? now I figure, though I don't recall being a pain, that till I stop or somehow apologise (even if it was a joke), that the pain will continue till who knows when! I've been having bad fears lately.

The newest is that I'll choke on my vitamin c drop if I roll it around too long on my tongue. this has never been a concern before, but now I always tense up my mouth and when it sort've slides around, I jolt therefore trying to grab hold of it with the roof of my mouth and the tongue together. this is a very tense tiring job. I used to enjoy my vitamin c breaks, but now it's becoming an effort of if I'll survive it or not. it's not like I had a close call lately either. just an odd phenonemon. till I relax and forget it's there, I don't think I'll ever untense my mouth so I can stop being cautious. this is ridiculous, yo. at least I dropped the tripping and rolling down the stairs fear. watch me trip and roll down the stairs now that I said that.

The other fear is that someone will break in during the night and try to kill me. this is a rational fear in a way considering all the crazies out there, but the chances of them breaking in our house and getting me are slim to none. I need to forget this or every noise will make me think it's them. mom had a bad dream about a black man breaking in to her yoga studio (which no one signed up to join classes for yet, so she just dances around for an hour or so) carrying a yoga mat concealing a gun beneath it. um, yeah. creepy. now everytime I hear a noise, I try to joke that it's him. it doesn't help that in the back of my mind I think it might be someone like him. the fear of someone shooting through the window cause they see my shadow is fierce now, too. this one is stupid though cause how many people just walk around looking for people's shadows and shooting? I don't hear stories like that at all.

Sometimes I think I need to calm my imagination before I turn crazy. I'm not far behind sometimes. what brings me back is normal chattery with friends online and forums. if I was completely isolated, I'd probably let my fears control me even further. the anxiety about leaving the house is enough. I was getting over it abit during the summer, but now I sort've have no desire to leave anymore. it's like hibernation though. not that fear that used to be there. I just hate rain, hate freezing cold which could cause colds/flus, etcetc. I like the cold, but I don't like what comes with it if I was to go out in it. this makes it very hard to progress in that area. as of now, I make myself look busy with eBay and mix cds. this makes me stop thinking about what I could be doing out there if the weather cleared up abit. it also doesn't help to know that others brave the cold and rain yet I can avoid it if I'd like; makes me seem superior; I mean to others.


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Things I forgot to talk about last time cause of the writer's block:
-tell The Guest (finnish spy that he is) about the plan to spy on Frank from Trading Spaces to find out if his "wife" is really a woman or not. really, I have a good idea it's a woman from the article I read, but still. I've been given the duty
-those cookies I ate before were pumpkin shortbread with sprinkles on top. very yummy. got a free pumpkin pencil with them. that was as far as my festivity for Halloween went. only one ring at the door and it was ignored cause mom didn't feel like getting up; I wasn't dressed properly. Halloween has never been very festive for me anyway; I stopped dressing up by 6th grade. the last costume I recall is being a devil ...hah
-okay I guess that was it or I'm having more Writer's Block thus having to write another entry of things I forgot. mind is going again.


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Sometimes I still wish I had some type of relationship or one developing in the least. this year and beyond seem too bleak to even think about at all (concerning this predicament).


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To speak of more insanity - eBay perfume lady called for the third time this evening! I finally emailed sayin' if she wants a refund fine, but exclude shipping and eBay charges from it. if she objects to that (which I have a bad feeling about), I don't know what I'll do. if I was her, I would've let it go. I've gotten products that weren't completely right, but I shutup and accept it. I *knew* I should've written 'no refunds' on the auction page ..hah.

Oh yes, in other news, the earrings didn't get one bid this time. I even put a lower reserve! I give up... I just give up! ..till December at least.

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2 Followers:

Awwww. The e-bay lady sounds like a pain.

- 11.06.2002 03:03 AM - Mafia Pixie

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Heh ..yeaaaah. I'm just glad she's the only one who has complained so far about something I've put up.

Right now, she's accepted the refund idea at least (I was quite sure she'd be calling), but still sending emails. now she wonders if she has to send the perfume back or not ...sounds like a ploy to keep it for less money to me, but mom thinks I should tell her to keep it since selling it again may cause the same prob with someone new ...blargh. people! hee.

- 11.06.2002 04:17 PM - Amber

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