I'm feeling the need to rant and rave then cry in a puddled heap in my room. maybe staring blanky at the screen feigning apathy was better.

So Sorry So Selfish
12:49 AM CST

There's one thing I realise about myself. when I'm feeling rather jealous and/or bitchy, I will let the rage bubble inside till I just cannot take it anymore. it's like I'm holding my breath - like a volcano (hee) that is on the verge of eruption. sometimes I don't think that's healthy, but neither is speaking openly when all it does is make me look whiney.

Website popularity and loneliness seem to be the top things that plague me at the moment. I feel that at least 60% of those I've read about are in a happy moment in both areas or at least one area. I just hate to feel jealous of others' joy.

With the website, it's not that people don't read cause they tell me if they do. it's not that I don't get comments here and there or have a good number of hits on my stats page, but it's the fact that I never get emails ...friendly emails saying they can relate or they love my site. even the lack o' sales on my cafepress stores is bringing me down though I didn't think I'd ever sell out to the capitalism hype. I didn't even care before till I got an email today sayin' if I didn't make any sales in three months, my stores would be shutdown. I don't want my stores shutdown considering I cannot buy anymore from there right now, but I might in the future!! I don't even like to beg, but I fear even if I do, no one will hear me or care or will think I'm very selfish for wanting sales on my stores. it should be for me. I was certainly fine with that till I got the email today. I don't want to restart a store each time it gets shutdown just when I want to buy something from it. that's ridiculous! actually, don't mind me. you don't have to buy from my stores. I'm not forcing anyone considering it's not a *wanting commission* issue though that seemed nice at the time of putting up the stores, but the fact that it's an inconvenience to me unless people start buying my stuff. at least one item. blargh.

The main point, I guess, is that I feel like a failure in general and am redirecting it towards the store policy. usually I become newly optimistic each time I recreate a new layout and pimp more, but I cannot seem to get the motivation to change the layout - especially when the scanner is still broken. sometimes I think the joy I found in small things has died. optimism. pah.

As for loneliness, that's a given. I don't see myself ever getting beyond it cause of the way I am programmed. I can't seem to wrap my mind around relationships therefore I never succeed therefore I think about how I'm always solitary every year. every holiday. everyday. every frikkin' second practically. if I didn't have those who cared about what was going on with me in a friend-like way, I don't think I'd be able to live with it anymore.

Sometimes I just see a black void (sorry for being so very dramatic) in my mind when trying to imagine something beyond this. I can't even realistically picture myself with anyone really. it's all fantasy. at least there, it's always somewhat happy.

Besides that, I don't know. I think I feel like this (in a certain way) every year near November. I guess I just hoped it would change in a way. that I'd be lifted up to new experiences eventually. I mean, last year I had some experiences, yes, but I made mistakes amongst the experiences as well. sometimes I think that was my last chance to change my stagnant lifestyle. no one else will ever like me again (who will actually go through with doing anything about it at least). I shall go through more years of apathy. yes, please ignore me and end this paragraph.


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Funny diversion:



Mom: [in dining room] How are you holding those scissors?
Me: Like this..
Mom: Is that the thumb where the two fingers should go?
Me: I...guess? it's the way I always hold them
Mom: I can't believe you still hold them upside down like that!!
Me: It's just easier
Mom: How can you cut the paper? -tries method herself and fails-
Me: It's easy -cuts-
Mom: Nooo...how do you do that? -flops it around not cutting paper-
Me: Hmm...
Mom: Maybe it's cause I'm left handed -tries other hand unsuccessfully-
Me: -grabs scissors and cuts-
Mom: Try it the correct way
Me: How?
Mom: This seems like grade school. there and there -positions my fingers-
Me: -cuts same as other way- eh, it feels weird though
Mom: I cannot see how you can do it that other way. hurts my wrists!
Me: Not mine!
Mom: You and your upside down scissors and upside down bows!


Yes, I cannot tie a bow correctly either cause when watching mom show me when around three or four she was sitting across from me showing with her left hand, so I did it backwards seeing as I saw it the mirror effect way and am right handed.


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Oh yes, there was a slight skirmish earlier today when I got up. I thought this would bring much unluckiness if she was mad at me. I accidently somehow said something wrong when telling a story and noticed she wasn't listening. I muttered in a sing song non-controversial way, "oh, you're not listening ...I shall shutup now."

There was then the type of silence you could cut a knife with and I got abit uncomfortable. I kept resituating myself in the chair focusing on The Weakest Link then Dr. Phil. I commented how my head hurt thinking perhaps I'd get some sympathy and the hostile silence would end. I accidently muttered the wrong thing again. "ya see, I haven't been hungry for what we have lately, so I guess I haven't been eating enough."

She then misinterpreted that (I just said it to gather sympathy or well, just continuing the thought really) I should make a damn grocery list then plus I got whatever I wanted this past weekend when The Guest was here, so I shouldn't be extra hungry. I told her that wasn't what I meant at all and that I wasn't really that hungry. my sinuses made me not want what I usually want (digging myself in deeper hole still) therefore not much was working therefore the headache. she then growled to make a damn list again.

More evil uncomfortable silence. she had the deepest frown on her mouth. it made me so uncomfortable I was holding my breath and feeling this need to explode or cry. I resituated myself and waited fifteen or so minutes. I then laughed at something Dr. Phil said and joked around hoping to break the dead silence. I didn't want her angry when she found out the money I spent, but that wasn't the whole point. I didn't want her angry at all. we haven't had a disagreement in decades it seems. well, okay, not since the credit card argument, but that was short.

Eventually she did loosen up and grin at least. Dr. Phil was being ridiculously stand up comedian with his flirting style. thank you Dr. Phil!

At least small things such as that can be solved.

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5 Followers:

Oh, Amber. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. It's so depressing. I really try not to delve into it in real-life, for fear of driving people away. Bleh. Please email me if you want to talk about this. I love you like a volcano! Hee.

- 10.30.2002 07:44 AM - Cookie

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*hugs*
Yes, I've been reading your entries - actually seeing that a couple others were feeling this way made me feel less alone and able to write my "rant" ..hee!

I'll be sure to email ...I like email (when it works!).

xo

- 10.30.2002 04:13 PM - Amber

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Hey... I can totally relate and I totally feel the same way about being online. Only I often can't even motivate to post stuff or comment because I'm worried I'll be ignored. (I'm kind of neruotic like that).

Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. :)

It'll get better, I promise.

- 11.06.2002 12:13 AM - snirky

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Hee! well, ya won't by me! at least when it's directed at me and/or I have a word to say about it.

I never intentionally ignore people honestly. sometimes I don't notice a new comment somewhere till days later or I don't have time in the day to read all my fav sites, but I do get around to it (I start to realise perhaps that's what happens to those who read my site as well on why I don't always get immediate feedback. I tend to forget when I'm in a funk, but as of now I'm doing alright). :)

Right, so yeah, I just have to rant every so often, but it dissipates depending on how well loved my site is (hee) and/or my mood/"real" life picks up.

- 11.06.2002 01:51 AM - Amber

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Moods are a funny thing. I was just wondering what the cause of my bad mood is lately.

It's always good to rant sometimes. :)

- 11.06.2002 06:15 PM - snirky

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