So Sorry So Selfish
12:49 AM CST
There's one thing I realise about myself. when I'm feeling rather jealous and/or bitchy, I will let the rage bubble inside till I just cannot take it anymore. it's like I'm holding my breath - like a volcano (hee) that is on the verge of eruption. sometimes I don't think that's healthy, but neither is speaking openly when all it does is make me look whiney.
Website popularity and loneliness seem to be the top things that plague me at the moment. I feel that at least 60% of those I've read about are in a happy moment in both areas or at least one area. I just hate to feel jealous of others' joy.
With the website, it's not that people don't read cause they tell me if they do. it's not that I don't get comments here and there or have a good number of hits on my stats page, but it's the fact that I never get emails ...friendly emails saying they can relate or they love my site. even the lack o' sales on my cafepress stores is bringing me down though I didn't think I'd ever sell out to the capitalism hype. I didn't even care before till I got an email today sayin' if I didn't make any sales in three months, my stores would be shutdown. I don't want my stores shutdown considering I cannot buy anymore from there right now, but I might in the future!! I don't even like to beg, but I fear even if I do, no one will hear me or care or will think I'm very selfish for wanting sales on my stores. it should be for me. I was certainly fine with that till I got the email today. I don't want to restart a store each time it gets shutdown just when I want to buy something from it. that's ridiculous! actually, don't mind me. you don't have to buy from my stores. I'm not forcing anyone considering it's not a *wanting commission* issue though that seemed nice at the time of putting up the stores, but the fact that it's an inconvenience to me unless people start buying my stuff. at least one item. blargh.
The main point, I guess, is that I feel like a failure in general and am redirecting it towards the store policy. usually I become newly optimistic each time I recreate a new layout and pimp more, but I cannot seem to get the motivation to change the layout - especially when the scanner is still broken. sometimes I think the joy I found in small things has died. optimism. pah.
As for loneliness, that's a given. I don't see myself ever getting beyond it cause of the way I am programmed. I can't seem to wrap my mind around relationships therefore I never succeed therefore I think about how I'm always solitary every year. every holiday. everyday. every frikkin' second practically. if I didn't have those who cared about what was going on with me in a friend-like way, I don't think I'd be able to live with it anymore.
Sometimes I just see a black void (sorry for being so very dramatic) in my mind when trying to imagine something beyond this. I can't even realistically picture myself with anyone really. it's all fantasy. at least there, it's always somewhat happy.
Besides that, I don't know. I think I feel like this (in a certain way) every year near November. I guess I just hoped it would change in a way. that I'd be lifted up to new experiences eventually. I mean, last year I had some experiences, yes, but I made mistakes amongst the experiences as well. sometimes I think that was my last chance to change my stagnant lifestyle. no one else will ever like me again (who will actually go through with doing anything about it at least). I shall go through more years of apathy. yes, please ignore me and end this paragraph.
Mom: [in dining room] How are you holding those scissors?
Me: Like this..
Mom: Is that the thumb where the two fingers should go?
Me: I...guess? it's the way I always hold them
Mom: I can't believe you still hold them upside down like that!!
Me: It's just easier
Mom: How can you cut the paper? -tries method herself and fails-
Me: It's easy -cuts-
Mom: Nooo...how do you do that? -flops it around not cutting paper-
Mom: Maybe it's cause I'm left handed -tries other hand unsuccessfully-
Me: -grabs scissors and cuts-
Mom: Try it the correct way
Mom: This seems like grade school. there and there -positions my fingers-
Me: -cuts same as other way- eh, it feels weird though
Mom: I cannot see how you can do it that other way. hurts my wrists!
Me: Not mine!
Mom: You and your upside down scissors and upside down bows!