06:47 PM CST
I do think the movie idea seems less horrible cause of the nice 'outing' (not the 'closet' sort, alright??) dream I had this morning. it involved a restaurant, but I still have no desire to eat out despite that. it was just the scenery that perked me up. we were sitting at this round table adjacent to the door - it was nighttime and through the big window, I could see the lights off of buildings and that the sidewalk curved. it was a corner café of sorts. on the table was a display of stick wafers (the sort that would be seen in coffeeshops actually). the chairs were those high sorts as was the table and I barely could see over the top of it.
For some reason Will, Beth and some other people I ignored were there. Beth was telling me about this vampire photography and shoved a photo album in my lap. I don't recall any of the images, but I just nodded and shakily grinned. I looked over at Will who seemed very far away. we didn't speak, but Beth didn't speak to him either. he just sat there and stared off and I wondered why Beth was so great cause she didn't even have a good hairdo or a spectacular outfit on (these were thoughts in the dream; not after the dream, so don't blame me ...hah! it didn't even look like her - I just knew it was her, okay?). I was bored.
Soon enough, we exited through the lobby and I grabbed a mint. out on the street, all I could see was nothingness; maybe a light or two behind me. it actually reminded me of the trip downtown abit though I have never seen that particular restaurant before in my life. mom thinks it's a premonition that there will be one and I'll want to go. sure. just like my malls with gigantic chandeliers plus staircases towards basements that lead to the ocean and my schools with glass walls will come to life as well. then again, who knows.
Next week perhaps I will see a movie though. it's a new Miyazaki movie. I knew the name sounded familiar and realised it was the one who was involved with Princess Mononoke which I have yet to see. I've decided I'm asking for it this xmas if it's the last thing I get! anyway, the movie is called Spirited Away. I looked it up and apparently it is showing at some places; just not close enough. blargh.
I've been sort've angry off and on the past few days. I'm not sure why. I just started thinking about how people only talk to me to talk about themselves and/or they get down on me about what I'm doing or they wouldn't care if I died probably even if they haven't treated me differently than others. I think this is all a big festive alert of the hormones which have yet to produce anything to verify my paranoid behaviour. I just know they're lurking and want me to seem crazy / selfish / have people against me who weren't against me before. I mean, it's my own damn fault, if I don't choose to hang out with anyone or ask anyone to hang out ever. it's the way it has been for decades. it's not like I had a big ass party going on up until last week when I just realised no one truely cared about me outside my family. I mean, I choose to stay in my own corner and leave myself out. it's not that others are pushing me out of their fun.
A small example is the forum. I arrived earlier Monday when everyone was still around. it was around 10:30am. I wasn't ignored or told to leave (really, that couldn't happen since I put the forum up and could take it down if people weren't appreciative and I doubt they'd ever act like that even if it wasn't my forum :D). it seemed they were glad to see me. usually I just arrive too late due to mom being online and well, sleeping in. I should change my schedule. the facts are that I still couldn't be online till mom's time ended and/or she was out already. getting up later means I don't have to wait as long for her time to be done. of course, either way, waking up later means my schedule will always be slightly screwed. I've been wanting to change that forever. I need a reason to get up earlier really. there isn't one (perhaps if I got a j-o-b -I'll start being mean to myself-, but erm yeah. besides *that* ...I still would need more clothes - I seem to be on the right track at least. I always am interested in the office-like attire in the catalogues and wonder where I could wear such things. I own slacks that I just sit around in ...hm).
On another note, 'sexy icq to aim guy' and his brother are very weird. I'm wondering what is up there. mom wonders what sexy dad to icq dad and sexy mom to icq mom are like ...bwah!
At least I'm starting to calm down. this is good. I kept having this urge to write something nasty somewhere just so I'd stop being pissed off. better judgement stopped me. I still have this big urge to shop though. that never seems to go away ...hah.
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