Never Thought You'd Be This Indifferent
11:19 PM CST
I've been feeling rather exhausted lately. I did hit a moment of ambition Monday night when I made this (though I didn't do the coverart till last night cause it got too late) and did the laundry. once it hit 7am, I was so tired. I just started to feel really down by mid-Tuesday. indifference is something I had embraced for awhile. I feel it's the best way to be though I wasn't bursting into song as often and I didn't care if I ever figured out a plan. not thinking about plans and people can be good though. no disappointment or uneasiness.
The mail ordeal wasn't as big as I wrote about in the lj honestly though it is true. I wanted to be gone before anybody else came to the mailboxes to avoid small talk or someone asking if I needed help. I wouldn't die if someone did, but I felt like avoiding it since I've done a good job of avoiding neighbours thus far. basically it's like this - even before I had social issues, I liked to avoid talking to cashiers or random people in stores. I liked to act like I knew what I was doing or was in a hurry depending on the situation. it's like when you're in a store and a clerk asks if they can help you with anything. I used to clam up and not know what to say. usually I'd mumble that I was *just browsing* THEN another would come up or the same clerk would appear later asking if I was sure since they wanted to make my stay an enjoyable one. I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just not something I like to be bothered with; eventually I run out of nice ways to put it and seem like a deer caught in headlights (this reminds me of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm from this past Sunday; that made me laugh). blending in is something I enjoy in public. online is a different story, but I won't drag that up right now.
At Best Buy, I recall the clerks always used to engage in small talk with me over whatever I was buying. I'd probably sort've blush and say, "oh yay" or "yeah ..smile..nodnod..smile" I seem to act like a dork if someone shows interest in what I'm looking at or buying or doing. I call it the self conscious low self esteem charade. I've always had low self esteem which I didn't call social anxiety since, for one, I didn't know of the term then and another, it wasn't actually this surge of panic. it was just that unsure of how to act situation since I'm usually taken by surprise.
There was one particular incident when I was probably in 5th or 6th grade though. I was at Almeda Mall before it became entirely ghetto-fied. I was checking out in B Dalton when the guy seemed too flirtatious with me. I'm not sure how to describe it, but he had this weird look in his eyes as he put the book in the bag and made a comment. I forgot the comment, but it made me uncomfortable. soon, mom and I were walking in the main mall area and I had this uneasy look on my face. she asked what was wrong and if that man had said something wrong; that I could tell her. I recall feeling like I was going to burst into tears. I don't even know why. I don't think the comment was flirtatious at all; it was just the look. maybe he's self conscious, too and didn't know the smile/eye thing was creepy. I know I've made horrible glances when I didn't mean to do so. the thing is is that I think that's what started my uneasiness with certain people even if it's no big deal from someone else's perspective.
Anyway, I don't think about this everyday. it just sneaks up on me occasionally. especially with those my age or those who I feel might think I'm doing something wrong. blargh.
Maybe also, Teri and the Hindu man from The Strande have encouraged this behaviour as well. Teri used to make fun of me saying I was a baby or I was making a big deal out of nothing allll the time. she told me to say Hi to the gas station man and I just nodded. she said I was rude, but I didn't feel I had to engage in any talk at all really. my job was to stand there. also, she made me feel two years old at restaurants when they didn't have Belgium Waffles and I'd look on the verge of tears. okay, maybe I'm abit emotional, but I'm not a baby. I was only fifteen then anyway - moods happen. she used to put on big displays herself, but liked to act like she was the adult and in control in front of others. just cause I was real in public, didn't make me the lesser person. also, well, the Hindu Man just bugged me cause he accused me of shoplifting when I wasn't. not that I recall ever shoplifting, but that time I definitely had no thoughts of it.
Past week's ailments: ingrown toenail, ant bite from walk in the grass to the pool Sunday evening, scab on elbow from stretching and scraping it on the plastic, and right ear still popping on occasion. I also now feel exhausted and allergy infested, but I blame it on missing a whole month of you know what; no falling. my hormones are out of whack. I almost cried over something on the news which wasn't that tragic; maybe depending on how you look at it (old lady in louisiana packs up her stuff; her cat Tuna with her, telling the reporter that she hoped the good lord would spare her house till she leaves - I assume till she leaves the earth, but maybe she's just talking about leaving to Florida; who knows! okay maybe others will agree this was sad - I'm just proving my hormonal point). that's ridiculous.
Dreams: half of grandma's driveway blocked off cause of overflowing water. I could see it out the little window in the basement swishing back and forth in the driveway; car height. apparently a lake nearby overflowed and there had to be dams built in every driveway. that was scary. I swore one sudden move and it would come get me. woke up fearing another storm. now another one is on its way. gee great.
Two more richard dreams; I'm starting to wonder what is up with that. in one he is gay yet he starts kissing me in the driveway, so others won't be on to him. lindsey asks me in the bedroom why I go after him since he's gay. I then wake up. the other happened this morning. we were all in a mall - it was one of my dream malls; not one I've ever seen in person. suddenly there was a scene where we're in the hall right outside the restrooms. I have my head in his lap and I seem sad. he then says he had some sex and I get more upset and wake up. what in the tango foxtrottin' frikkity frick does that mean I wonder. there was another scene from that dream, too. the bathroom scene where I had this urge to pee realllly bad and couldn't go cause of performance pressure; weird. I had to go when I got up, but that's a usual thing. must've been quite intense to be in the dream.
That is all. at least sleeping alot brings dreams to speculate.
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