Another whir of music. maybe everyone should speak to me in song and I'd recognise the words better.

You've Kept Me Up Too Late
02:19 AM CST

So many stories to tell. all of them happen in my mind. more and more shopping without finding anything and in real life finding things yet not having enough money or feeling guilty about the money to spend it. you can ignore where I was going with this or you can continue.

I have some definite concrete thoughts in my head lately about what I'd like to do with my time ...well at least in the immediate future. I want to get my haircut again in a few weeks (if I can somehow part with the money for another good one), get a state I.D cause I've been living without one for too long. I don't know why I never got one really. probably the thought that I'd eventually learn how to drive one month and therefore not needing to get a whole separate I.D. ....this seems quite ridiculous. in my blurred mind, I can do things in seconds what would usually take a person a few months at least. then, in retrospect, the more I think about doing these things, years go by not doing them. this is quite funny! I cannot spare the time to go through a long process when I've wasted time thinking about the process. oh, the irony of the whole situation! sad but true. anyway, haircut, I.D. ...two things in the immediate future I think I can handle. I mean, if I can handle certain things, I can certainly handle those ...I haven't felt sick in weeks. just mildy tired with a sense of insomnia. time goes in a blur lately. whole weeks before I could even blink.

I'm becoming too deep for my own good when really I'm saying nothing ....at least nothing new. Saddle Creek = yum. next time, I'll have to buy The Faint considering I downloaded a good song by them last night (who knew??). I got some free stickers and a personal note with my order. it was quite niiice. I actually about kicked mahself when I saw that The Faint sticker realising what I hadn't ended up getting ...I s'pose I cannot get every album I want in one go. I still don't have all the Bright Eyes albums I don't have either, so that gives me a reason to make another order in the next month or so. I'll space it out abit so I can let these eight sink in. yeah, eight. when I say I live music, it's true. the time it takes to rearrange my cd collection, I have more to add. I need a new cd shelf cause now I'm storing old cds in the closet. I'm afraid of them falling on me one day when I'm grabbing a shirt. ridiculous.


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Back to the dreams. this morning, I had the most frustrating dream in awhile. it wasn't all pretty. I no longer have crushes in dreams and it's UNFAIR I tells ya. it's enough I don't get real life crushes. anyway, I was shopping as I mentioned. it was an anime store going out of business. there were stickers and magnets. action figures and graphic novels. I kept picking up items I'd *never* buy in real life. there was a rack of dvd's and I got confused on what to buy. I kept picking up and putting back down. *then* I couldn't find the correct graphic novels. everything looked like junk in retrospect. I kept turning this way and that realising I should just put what junk I had in my hands down and walk away sale or no sale. it was junk ...it would be sold on eBay in the next week if I bought it. I kept reasoning with myself over and over again. it was ridiculous. eventually in the midst of standing at the cash register, I opened my eyes like I hadn't slept at all. my eyes felt forced shut. it hurt to open them to the half light through the blinds. it reminded me of how much time has gone by really. the storm. the days. it was Monday again. I barely remember Friday. this is when I knew I had to get myself somewhat together thoughtwise. go to bed earlier. stop the insomnia. stop wasting days.

eBay will have to wait till after September 11th cause I'll be damned if I start it then. I recall last year, my auctions ended on that day. I laughed bitterly. it was funny. nothing sold. NOTHING! I gave up on eBay for months figuring it was a sign of some sort. ah well. back to the fields in the hot sun wearing my engineer cap to trade nuts for grain. don't ask me what I mean cause I hardly make sense - just felt like making a slavery analogy though I was never a slave and probably never will be; at least not for you.

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