The past couple days seem to have gone in a blur. I tried not to be as antisocial that's for sure. I realise that yes, when I attempt to speak over everyone, it comes out in a shriek.

I'm Pretty Much The Same Person
07:49 PM CST

Thursday we went to B&N which was quite enjoyable considering how evil we were with the things we bought. I followed lindsey back to the manga section (which I really didn't know existed considering I always just look at the Fiction and Literature section). she convinced me that I needed seven volumes of manga. I also bought somemore Murakami and a book by the same author who wrote the Adrian Mole Diaries. I sort've knew about the book, but never thought to read it. we were on such a roll with the stacks we were carrying around, that we went to the music area to see if we could find dvds and cds as well. we just never quit! at this point, I wanted to live in B&N strangely enough.

We complained over the lack of obscurity in music selection though I was surprised they had Built to Spill. I picked up the one they had. it's not as good as the first album, but eh, it's alright. I was into the last song the most...hah. anyway, I also picked up tweaker (which H.G. remixed before and I figured since it was there....), more Concrete Blonde (the one with Mexican Moon on it which is the best song in the world, yo! I can't help, but laugh at certain bits. lindsey knows what I'm talkin' about. I named one of my last entries after a quote from it!), and Dashboard Confessional (I'm not a big emo fan; not, I wasn't that impressed with them, but I do admit, it's sort've good. lindsey convinced me I must get it. it was the only one left...hee). she got a Cure album. it's one I don't have actually. I like it. I'll have to find it eventually. I think it was the only one at B&N.

We also bought some dvds. I got Amelie and Bring It On (which we haven't watched yet) and she got the whole hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy series. we'll probably watch these sometime before she leaves....heh. we still need to watch the anime which I thought we would've done as soon as she got here. instead we've been watching Undressed and the late shows each night and reading during the day when we're not out or whatever.

The only time at B&N that was abit embarassing was after we had our stuff held in the music section and went to tell grandma about it (she was the one who said she'd buy me two dvds ...lindsey wanted the same treatment). she was in the magazine area and we accidently shrieked in excitement at how evil we were being. suddenly half of the people in the store turned around angrily (or so it seemed) and said "shhhhh!!!" like we were in a library. we quieted down and wanted to hide. lindsey then said how she liked it better in Ohio where bands would play in the store and therefore it didn't matter if you were abit loud. I then brought up how southerners hate yankees. I brought it up just cause of that whole MATH+1 thread. I thought it would be funny that that was the reason they were angry at us. there were some other people talking, too. it's just cause we accidently shrieked at the same time...gaaah. oh well. we got over it once everything was bought and we left.


The next day, there was talk of the mall. I reallllly didn't want to go there. I did shower for some reason, soooo they thought I'd want to go. I really didn't. I hate the mall for some unknown reason. I shrugged and put my shoes on though. in the car, I started complaining about how I didn't want to be there. I don't know what came over me. it's not like I wanted to be a bitch ass to everyone really. I felt it must be hormones - I actually have been pleasant through this time surprisingly, so it was odd for those feelings to emerge in the car to the mall of all times. right there in the shoe dept. of Mervyn's I stood frozen and my feet were sweating in my shoes. I couldn't move. my eyes were glazed over. I turned my head in each direction and finally said, "I really don't want to be here...I really don't. there's nothing I want to buy here at all." they tried to convince me I was there to just keep lindsey company and it didn't matter if I didn't buy something. I do believe that buying stuff distracts me from panicking. I'm really not selfish; I'm not. I don't know what it is. it's not like I was begging for things since I got stuff at B&N. I was satisfied with all o' that. I just didn't want to be at the mall since I couldn't distract myself. I cannot just hang out someplace without a purpose. the purpose of being interesting wouldn't work cause I felt like dying.

Lindsey tackled me from behind when I was thinking things over and all o' the sudden I shoved her off me and jumped away in anger sayin' "what the...??" I don't usually get pissed off. I just couldn't take the strain and anger off my face. mom told me she'd take me home and for the others just to go on with what they were going to do. I felt humiliated ...I hate having to leave places. I shouldn't have gone in the first place since I knew I didn't want to go. mom said it was okay to stay home when I didn't want to go somewhere. I just felt they'd hate me if I didn't and it was their vacation. I didn't want to cause trouble by not going. I thought they'd just think of me at home all by myself. of course, me cranky and in no mood to put a smile on my face puts a damper on trips as well.

As soon as I got home, I had some good luck coincidence. someone called me sayin' we could all hang out later that night. if I hadn't gone home right then, I wouldn't have caught the call. that was cool. I heated up some pasta and began to eat it after that. dad called then the guest. I ate cold pasta ...grrr. it was okay.

He came over around 11 something that night. dad arrived abit after that out of nowhere. I swear, he tags along! he hardly visits when they're not here...hah. it was like a small party. me, lindsey and said friend stood in the darkened living room in a circle while the others laughed and made noise in the dining room area. very fun. we went upstairs for awhile where I talked to some people on chat and they sat on the floor chattering in the background. I sort've blocked it out for awhile accidently considering when I get in chat mode, I forget anyone else is around.

When we went outside, I was sort've confused on what was going to happen. I feared the kidnapping comment of earlier. we stood by the pool gates and I pretended to be chained to the bars for no particular reason. too bad I didn't bring the key out or we could've walked around or stuck our feet in the water. it was abit sticky hot out. not toooo bad, but lindsey might've said something. I don't remember. all I know is that we got in the car where there was air. I kept my door open for a second in hesitation till they closed theirs. I felt stupid having mine open with the air on and all. I just thought if I closed it, they'd take off and I'd be stuck.

For awhile we just sat there talking music and examining the albums. it was pretty chill at that moment. I still was bothered atad by my sinuses that kick up at night. I sat there picking at my ears sort've ...subtely really. it was just starting to burn. I stared about actually knowing they'd get bored soon enough with just sitting there.

I was correct in that assumption. I'm always correct. of course, I had no idea what was going to happen after the initial start of the drive. I was in the dark. I suggested we go to Seabrook and stalk Teri to see if she lives at her last house still or not. I don't know. it seemed like an interesting idea till I forgot what street we were on and therefore I wouldn't be able to find my way there. I'm used to how we'd drive there from my old house, so this was difficult. I knew we'd pass Clear Lake High School, but that's all I knew. we ended up going in the opposite direction past Clear Lake Intermediate and there was no chance of making a U-Turn I s'pose. we kept going till we hit the freeway area. I don't recall how we got there. I blanked out thinking about me and Teri's last ride. how we used to blank out to the music and sometimes mumble stupid stuff inbetween. I just was brought back cause these were the streets and it was nighttime. I haven't gone out on the road at night in years ..really. mom can't drive at night even with her glasses. she says she cannot see. I cannot drive at all or well, I can sort've shakily drive, but no license means no driving. therefore yeah, this was interesting. I wasn't panicking cause I was brought back about five years ago.

Once we were near Almeda Mall, the question was asked, "where are we going?" lindsey wasn't sure since she thought we'd go to IHOP or House of Pies or whatever. we just sat awhile considering. I just sat there and started worrying since I snapped out of nostalgia mode and realised where I was and what day it was and well, yeah. memories don't last. we started talking again I think. I just mumbled out comments every now and then, but for the most part I stared out the window at the lights.

Once we reached downtown, it was almost surreal. I don't know. almost like I was transported there some other way. seeing the streets and office buildings just didn't seem right. I had to bring myself back about 6-7 years ago to imagine the streets cause we hadn't really gone downtown on weekends since then when dad would bring us. it was sort've cool seeing the people leave the clubs/buildings, walking down the street; especially the ones from the jazz club; they were abit dressy. it wasn't crowded at all. just quiet and trippy. abit trippy. I grinned at seeing the Houston Chronicle building. I really don't think we ever passed that street before. we usually would stick to Kirby / Richmond / Westheimer when we'd go. I think the original Caraba's is on Kirby; I forget. we went there ALOT. we didn't happen to pass that area on this drive.

I did see where Soundwaves on Montrose was located. we must get dad to take us soon. of course, it was closed at that time considering the time was around 1:30am.

There was a sign painted on a wall that said something like Veggies or Vegetables? anyway, lindsey and I commented about there being one similar in Cleveland. we laughed. it was one of the moments I was at ease again for abit. not till there was talk of eating at a Vietnamese takeout type restaurant did I freeze up again. eating out doesn't ever bode well with me. I can get used to doing other things for a short while; just NOT that. lindsey knew this. this is what shocked me.

I had no choice, but to get out of the car with them and go inside. I got uneasy seeing the people in there. I wanted to go hide or disappear. my feet were sweating in my shoes again; they weren't before really. as soon as we sat down, I felt ridiculous since even when I used to go out and just didn't want to eat, I felt stupid not ordering something. I just sat there and shook my head and said "no, no..." oh I felt stupid. I hate feeling stupid, but lindsey put me in a position. I'm sure he wouldn't put me in a position if not for her going "oh c'mon! yes! let's!" ugh. she likes to do it all. I do not. she knows this. it was enough that I quieted down and didn't complain about the ride alone. when I asked her, "are we really going to sit here and actually wait till y'all are done eating?" lindsey nodded with this evil glint, eyeing her menu. I didn't even open the menu. I was beyond full. my sinuses were getting worse. the burning went through my head.

I threw the kleenex on top of my head then realised I'd look more like an idiot or at least a drunk, to be doing this. I put the kleenex back in my hand and stared intently at it, then tried to close my eyes and pretend I was dreaming this whole scenario. he had a drink and they continued to look at the menu. I didn't know what to do, but sit there and sweat and rub at my head wanting to disappear. I do recall at one point, I got really angry and yelled out towards lindsey, "you FUCKING ASSHOLE!" he said I should quiet down while in there. it was the only thing I really yelled out though. at that moment I wanted to cry at lindsey's giggling. she knew I wasn't having a good time. lindsey ended up sayin' "I miss when we used to do things" okay, I understand that, but it's not like we don't have any fun; I think the least amount of fun is watching me suffer, right? we can have fun in a different way. I hate when it's treated like a joke in a way. like I'm really just being an ass for no reason and I'll get over it. please. maybe if I took my eardrops, I would've been able to sit there peacefully, but my head was killing me that night.

He understood enough to tell the waiter it was "to go" now. the waiter took our plates and chopsticks away and walked off. now I felt realllly bad. really lindsey should've been the one feeling bad. I would've only felt bad if I agreed to go inside then said no at the last second. it wasn't my fault really. what would've been better? running through the backstreets of Houston or erm, sitting there. yeah. exactly.

That was the only low point. I'm glad I didn't cry. I'd rather scream obscenities than cry in public and in front of friends. that ain't right. on the way back to the car, I picked up a dropped fortune on the ground. I forgot what that one said. it wasn't important.

The drive home wasn't that bad. one wreck we witnessed off to the side and one semi-car chase. that was all. I stared off at the buildings not commenting much. I only felt semi-loserish for a second. I clutched my fortune cookie and kleenex and just stared out.

When we got back, we hopped over the sprinklers, almost tried to enter the wrong townhome (the one next door), I muttered "fuck" and laughed while taking my shoe off cause it got stuck and I read my fortune from the cookie I actually took; it said "all efforts are worthwhile" uh, *appropriate*. they ate, I sat and typed out stuff about my outing. I went to bed by around 6am.

Today they're in Kemah. I should shower before they get back. maybe we might get to see the record store tonight. who knows. I'm not sayin' I'm upset. I'm just abit worn out. I never do this much in a week let alone a couple days.

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have you seen anyone about this anxiety? perhaps you can be helped out on this. i'm sure it's scary for the people that care about you.

- 08.10.2002 11:15 PM - ctrent


Oh whoops; my cousin stole the computer for most the time since this was posted...hahah. sorry for making it seem I was ignoring the question.

Yeah; I was about to say I mentioned all the stuff about talking to those people in the archives somewhere, but those entries got eaten, sooo to paraphrase, yeah. it didn't help much, but I'm used to it. I just occasionally mention it for story-like purposes.

Thanks for the concern!

- 08.15.2002 12:58 AM - Amber


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