Lately all I see is my rash which I must get rid of before they arrive (I've used ice cold water during showers to somehow unblock pores; oh yes, I've been freezing my fucking ass off for like three days; better than sweating) and music (which is all very good by the way).

When You Look Inside All You'll See Is a Self-Reflected Inner Sadness
06:27 PM CST

Lately I've been thinking alot about Theresa; it's very weird. she's like all I see in my head. I don't know why considering it has been four years since I've seen her face. maybe it's cause Carlos called yesterday though I wasn't awake. I heard his voice on the answering machine and suddenly old memories came back if they hadn't before then. it's just weird considering I talk about him ALOT (I think it's cause I compare everyone I know and like to him and how I connected with him). I'm almost slightly embarassed by all that I've written about him now that he's tried to call. I mean, he's no longer part of my skewed memory, but a real person. I hadn't heard from him in two years, so the fact that he is calling is rather strange. is he back in the area? I do sort've hope he calls again, but I don't know if he will. I don't think he'd like who I am now really. he seemed to like me most when I acted like a gangster girl and bought all these rap albums, so he could come over and listen to them while playing video games. now, I'm as far from that as you can get, yo. well, besides the occasional 'yo'

Anyway, I feel we won't have alot in common now if we didn't two years ago. then, I was just slightly easing my way out of the rap phase; I mean, I still semi-liked it, but didn't buy anymore albums. now I just cannot really stand rap; at least not the sort that plays on MTV and VH1 late at night. I saw an advertisement for some female rapper's new album and it was talking about their ass, their toes, their hands, their nose or something? verrrrry weiiird.

Okay, so yeah, already that last conversation we had, I could feel him about to chastise me on my choice of dress (certainly not baggy clothes) and my change in musical taste, but he got called off by his mom or something cause she had to use the phone. never heard from him ever again. this is what is straaaange. that's when I was over it. I mean, I was over the crush the summer after he left, the summer after Teri and I openly wept in front of his old house on drives. I didn't like anyone again for like two years though. not an intense like. still, it wasn't cause of him. I just had no interest in pursuing anyone who wasn't my best friend, who didn't come over to my house everyday. I felt it was too difficult a thought, so I just focused on school. yeah, so, I was over the crush. I just think I got over wanting to impress him after that last conversation. I didn't care as much though I still value his friendship and the memories. I used to do his homework fergarshsakes!! not cause he asked me to, but cause he'd complain and it was basic math. I could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back. I was done with it in the half hour between him driving me insane with the insessant whining to playing video games. it was worth it to shut him up. he could get very annoying. y'all don't know. at those moments, I just wanted him to leave. there is a line between adoration and GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR HOUSE!!! I never had any privacy or time to mahself cause he was always around jumping over coffee tables, trying to suffocate me with pillows and tying mom's hands behind her back with bandanas.

This might confuse some of you who think I hold him in only the best respects; that I adored him. I used to watch him sleep. those were the quiet moments. I felt the most intensely towards him in quiet moments. the times he'd sit quietly and watch tv, so I could gaze at him or watching how he barely budged in his sleep; how abit of his hair came out of place and fell on his face. I'd never touch, just sit and stare. anyway, yes, he was tolerated when he was being a pain, but I completely felt love towards him during those other moments. it was a love/hate sort've thing goin' on.

I think even sometimes I'd get angry at mahself for having to act more like a gangster and buy more rap just to please him. he told me I shouldn't act black, but if I listened to some rock music, he'd make fun of that, too sayin' I was growing soft or whatever. I think he was trying to play with my mind the same I did with him sort've ...I mean, I did trick him into silly games just so I could jump on him without being yelled at or him figuring it out. it was safe kind've touching.

Anyway, what I'm tryin' to say is that, I'm glad to be my own person now instead of someone trying to impress someone just cause of the intensity I felt towards them. you can't make someone like you no matter what you do; it's just a waste of time. I never got exactly what I wanted from him one way or the other. the friendship was what was important; he would've beat someone's ass for me if they messed with me. that was enough. at least in retrospect it was enough. I'm over the crush. I don't think even if he was in the area and I saw him again, those feelings would reappear; I just am not the same person I was then. I wouldn't turn myself into that person either.


---

Back to Teri sort've ....I almost cried over that again a few days ago. I guess it's cause I was reading old journals and that's never ever ever good. sometimes I wish I hadn't written down some of that stuff considering I barely remembered till I opened the book. mom thinks she probably was off partying, smoking weed and drinking with those other girls. that's why she wanted to get rid of me. she knew I wasn't into that. I recall the day I was upset she had me dropped off after the mall trip instead of inviting me to join them for the sleepover with that boardgame they bought. I didn't contribute to the cost which I thought was why they didn't invite me, but now I guess I know; she didn't want me there so they could be bad. I'd somehow ruin their fun, maybe? I probably would've just sat there and ignored them. ah well. that was the end of the end. she had a bad childhood, she lashed out, I had an okay childhood, but I blame her for the bad that did occur.

I guess I just need to put a closure to the Teri thing or I'll keep thinking of her as my only friend on earth and the only one who would give me that same feeling of excitement. it isn't true. I just dwell too much.


---

In other news, I got my amazon order yesterday. I've been in music bliss ever since. the new Flaming Lips is the best thing evaaah!! mom says it's boring. she thinks most everything I like is boring. well, erm, I think *new* Sting is boring.

My legs itch right now; stupid razor burn. I bet it's the goosebumps that are doing it cause they don't itch as much with hot water....I have to have it antarctica cold damnit!!

Previous . Next

All Writing/Images Copyright 2000-01 Amber.
sardonic-hee enterprises