In. Out. In. Out. Up and around and through and CRASH! "Hellll no! Freak!!" ..I've been playing that helicopter game for too long. I started to think of it as having feelings.

Don't Ever Leave
11:48 PM CST

Yeah, ya see, when my hand would get tired of driving it, I'd be like "maybe little hell-y-cop-ter would like to take a little nappy poo ...yes, right there on the rock...." BAM!!! okay, not a good idea. poor helicopter ....sad face.... also when there is NO WAY I can get through the tunnel, I'll think of helicopter's downcast eyes as it struggles and the tip of its nose makes it through and explodes leaving it forlorn and defeated.

There were also the moments I started to give meaning to the numbers when I'd crash. once I crashed at 911 then at 722 next and decided that meant there would be terrorist trouble on the 22nd of July. uh sure. maybe there would be, but it wouldn't be cause I crashed a fake helicopter into a cliff. also 311 had meaning - I thought about the group and that one song they had ...the one, ya know, from 1997 ...the one about stars or something. it was a rap. me and my friend Teri would listen to it cause she had the cd then afterwards we'd listen to f*ck you like an animal for the ten billionth time followed by some Beck and another round of depressing Live "Turn My Head" ....1997 was the year of alternative rock, yo. well, whatever. it's weird how numbers have such meaning. I also like numbers with lots of 1's or numbers with even sets like 1515, ya know? gah, it's scary when I think too much into this stuff.

Oh yeah, I made it to 2128 by 10am when my eyes were all blurry and the screen seemed to be splitting in half...the green cliff bits were literally taking themselves some new residency before my eyes; picking up their bags and moving abit to the right. I couldn't play worth shit when I kept crashing cause I thought the thing moved!! I closed my eyes inbetween and focused and somehow, yeah, I surpassed 2000. it was such a miracle, I thought I was still hallucinating. I took a screenshot. I would post it, but I'm lazy. maybe later.


Speaking of which, back to how late or well, how early I stayed up. I was going to attempt to go to bed earlier I decided by midnight. I figured a shower by 2am and bed would be good. then I got into some movie on showtime and well, erm, richard and I started talking. when I looked down to see what time it was, it was 4:45am. I recall the thoughts of "just screw it ...I can stay up to see cartoons per usual and if I go in the shower and spend a long enough time in there, I'll be awake enough to do it without losing my mind in the process like I usually do when I try to stay up"

The shower thing worked. I was wide enough awake at 6am to continue what I was doing while I had my ice water. I was wide awake and calm. nothing wrong. the conversation between richard and I was abit depressing, but in a funny way. I had Bright Eyes playing and got an email from someone telling me I was cool for being one of the few on this side of the world who likes them (uh..what side of the world? people like them only in Africa? wha?). anyway, the song was abit sad (the one called It's Cool We Can Still Be Friends which was the first I ever downloaded; the song itself isn't very good, but the lyrics are nice and I like how he yells while slurring talking about pouring the whiskey) with the conversation about us being hopeless. the bit where he said we should get married made me picture something hilarious that I didn't mention.

I pictured that we'd make idle comments to each other in separate rooms on separate computers and then perhaps when urged we'd go to bed - me sitting on one side, him on the other - we wouldn't say much since we said all we had to say no matter how silly in text, so we'd just sit there. maybe we'd think about doing something, but instead would fall asleep and that would be how it would be till the end o' time. for some reason, at 9:30am, this seemed funny to me. don't ask. I thought most things were hilarious.

Anyway, I watched the sun come up. the blinds weren't opened till mom came in the room...before that I just peeked from behind to see it coming up in the horizon slightly - just that slight glimpse of light and the beginning of pastel colours sprinkled lightly like a watercolour forming. okay, I'm getting too descriptive. anyway, as soon as mom pulled the blinds up when the sun was already at its peak ...10am. it reminded me of mornings past - mornings from childhood - Saturday mornings. it could only be a Saturday morning. I thought of riding my bike to garage sales and my best friend. buying old phones we didn't know what we'd do with once we got home. it's just that I had $60 and we didn't go to the mall at those times. I'd buy tons of crap. I gave her a $20 for no reason, so she could join in with me. she never paid me back, but I guess I didn't expect her to do so. we'd ride our bikes back to the ditch later. the way the sun looked light yellow like buttercups that could only be had on a day not meant for work or school. a day meant for frolicking about not caring what was going on elsewhere. a day to pick flowers and a day to attempt catching tadpoles in a dirty pond. the fun stopped around fifth grade when boys and their fathers would go back there to shoot birds. I thought that was cruel. it seemed terribly backwoods when we lived in a surburban neighbourhood. you could see the freeway from beyond the bushes. hwy 3 I do believe.

We'd sit on top of mud mountain looking out over the tops of houses and the cars ambling about on their merry ways. sitting atop there, I didn't fear that I'd fear going down later or the fact that that cliff could just crumble. it was only made of compacted mud left there for years from construction. I don't know. mud mountain was the secret spot of Saturday mornings after garage sale hunting. after watching The Little Mermaid till 3pm with the blinds down, so it was dark in that little back bedroom. it was just the best times.

Later on, I'd go to the ditch with Carlos (aka guy friend) ...I'd watch him catch demented sewer fish with a fishing pole. he'd sit upon the pipe the water flowed.


Once I went to bed, I kept having these thoughts someone would knock on the door soon. I hope I wasn't right since just as I had those thoughts, I looked up to see the 10:30am cartoon was just about done, rolled over and passed out not to awaken again till 5pm.

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