Tart and Saccharine
11:45 PM CST
So, tomorrow? The 'Hee's first anniversary!! well, at least the fourth is the day I opened the site if not the day I started using the greymatter script (I *had* to write some entries to test the program out when it was still underground ya see...). so, yes, maybe I'll write a little history report about the site on that day as a super special entry. I'm sure y'all will be thrilled ...or not.
Besides that, I don't think I'm doing anything. the fourth has been a bore for me the past few years. I just hear the firecrackers and such people throw from outside my window. I don't do anything different. I haven't acknowledged the day fully since I was at grandma's ...we'd at least grill a hot dog outside ..uh yes. the best years though were the ones we'd all gather and have a picnic-like feast. there would be burgers and hot dogs on the grill for those who ate that schtuff (mom didn't), macaroni salad, beans, cole slaw (I think; I swear there was though I never ate it or the beans for that matter; I *hate* beans; at least all but the green ones), and cake. I forget if there were any other sides - maybe people brought them, but I wouldn't know since we haven't done that in ages it seems. afterwards, we'd take a walk around the neighbourhood and check out the fireworks. I was always afraid that one of those ones on the ground would explode and kill me, so whenever I'd see a group of people on the way, I'd slow down or move to the grass away from the street. I was a little wuss is what I was ...when I got older, I even stopped going on the walks and would sulk in the back bedroom at grandma's and look out the window to see if I could see anything in the sky.
I *do* recall the fourth one year where I semi-got in trouble for tattling on lindsey. that year, she went off with dad to buy fireworks when the adults didn't want her getting them or going with dad cause he's bad news (well, okay, at least aunt jo jo didn't want her doing that). I was asked if I knew where she was and oh yes, duh, I said she went off with dad to buy fireworks. when lindsey came back she got a talkin' to and when she came down to the basement, she yelled at me and slapped me on the leg realllly hard. I was quite ashamed since yeah, I didn't know it was a bad idea to tell I s'pose. I just basically ignore the commotion most of the time and tend to not heed (is that a word?) to the warning signs of something *not* to say ...hell, I tell things I'm not supposed to say alot. at least when asked face to face. I can lie or hide the truth online if the mood strikes. no one can tell I'm lying. not that I'm lying now mind you. I really did get slapped and I'm a horrible liar and occasionally I am so much in my own world I don't notice what I'm not supposed to say.
The only other memorable year was 1997, before we went off to grandma's ...we started going later to avoid the get together up there and I don't know why. anyway, me and Teri saw Men in Black (speaking of which, MIB II is coming out scarily enough) - I recall having to wait in line for the tickets while she went to park then running up as we argued outside over who knows what before going inside as I held the tickets up. nothing very exciting I can recall about being at the movie besides the fact that I seemed to feel bad ass going to movies without mom or dad; I was odd. we drove around for awhile after the movie though to catch some fireworks. we hit a roadblock and looked up - caught a few in Clear Lake - then drove back and around ....we drove around alot that summer. I just recall seeing the fireworks that way was fun. when we returned, I think we said our goodbyes cause I'd be going to Ohio soon. I recall that was the same year I tried to get her to visit in Ohio instead of going to Virginia, but she ended up going to VA anyway and not having too great a time. I think her attitude changed alot after that visit. if only I was more convincing, but enough of that. I'm through with this 4th crap ass bit.
I feel the symptoms of pms coming on strong. I can tell when I begin to feel lonely and want to cry all the time yet I hold back till at some point I get hysterical. maybe I can avoid that, but I'm not sure. I just feel that if something doesn't cheer me up soon (besides music), I may hold my breath forever and that wouldn't be conducive to a productive life - not that what I'm doing now is, but still.
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