Okay this is weird. I felt perfectly fine this morning before going to bed besides being scared after reading the Scary Movies thread then I wake up feeling like I cannot budge. ugh, I still feel awful.

12:14 AM CST

I don't know what this is with the 'better - not better - better - not better' pattern, but it's getting realllly old. I think today it was on account of my allergies. I've been sneezing off and on for three days - I don't just mean one sneeze every so often, but like three in a row every half an hour or so. it got reallly old.

Well, I woke up today feeling nauseous, my ear was burning, my nose was stuffed up and there were butterflies in my stomach. I still don't really want to sit up. I suck. I so suck. I had plans for this weekend (well, sort've) and argh! I felt great last weekend. people should've come over. instead I hung about making mix cds. woooo.

Anyway, so yeah....ill. that's my life lately. I'm only feeling slightly better. I'm having some odd abdominal pains and my head is throbbing though.


Yesterday was a good day. and the day before that (Pamie's back! <--I seriously need to write her though I'd feel silly now. *kicks pop mail*). I got four cds and was in musical bliss for awhile - right now I have that spanish song by the Lovespirals in my head...gah....at least it isn't Popsicle by Starlight Mints anymore; that song got abit much (EAT YO' POPSICLE CAUSE ...IT'S SO ...EDIIIIBLE!). not one ache or pain. I want more days like that, yo! I got eight books to read, too. music *and* book bliss. aaaah. those harry potter books are bigger than I expected. I barely lifted that box up the stairs, yo!


I started to feel sad yet again. I started to realise that I'll never establish any true relationships if I keep on getting ill and don't let people see me when I even have a small headache. it ain't good. mom says I need to get over my issues. of course, today I also felt like I had a fever and I wouldn't have been much fun, but that isn't the point. mom thinks that if I just don't complain and *pretend* I'm having fun, I really will have fun and people will like me. uh, yes, those are good thoughts and all, but the fact is that even if I put a smile on and try to be entertaining, if I feel like I'm going to combust or get sick, that smile plastered across my face will look painful. seriously, I've tried the *pretend nothing is wrong* thing. I just don't want there to be something wrong in the first place. anyway, if I had just had a headache, the plans would've continued or whatever. it was just the whole reaction. I think it's the rain. it's been raining off and on for a week or two now and the lack o' sunlight for long periods of time gets me depressed and I think it makes my immune system go down. at least that's my practical thinking for it, so I don't think I caught cancer or some other horrible disease and that's the reason for the reoccurance of odd symptoms. no one calls me a hypochondriac for nothin' (bwah!).


So, yes, I was thinking how alone I've been feeling and if it's really worth it to be in my comfort zone if it means not seeing people that often. I joke that dating me would be silly since I only like to see people once or twice a month if that. I guess it would be good for those who don't want to see me often, but eh. I need to work on my social tactics. sometimes I just want to lay about with someone in bed and just not say a word. just lay there in silence. sometimes I just want someone there, so I can stop thinking about all my made up symptoms. a massage would be nice, too. my back is all bent out o' shape.

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yeah those long silences are nice. i think they're one of the best parts of any relationship, just being wrapped up not only in private thoughts and daydreams but also in another human's flesh.

- 06.30.2002 08:51 PM - atalia


Heya! so is that your new site? I'm gonna have to check it out - how have you been?

and yes, yes indeed. the few times I've had the pleasure of lying down next to someone in silence, it has been lovely. too bad no one lately would like to though I sure do talk to enough guys :D

- 06.30.2002 09:42 PM - Amber


Yep, thats my site. Its not that cool...yet. I've given up on frames for now.

But yeah...hey remember Tony, the guy I was with for like....11.5 MONTHS? He ended up sporadically calling me yesterday. He lives about an hour and half north and he wants to see me, which makes me uneasy, I don't want him to try anything.

I am at work, and BORED. save me?

- 07.01.2002 08:28 AM - atalia


Aw - it's okay. I think it's cool. personally I like non-frame sites more lately :D

Eeep! well, just tell him you're not interested if he does and if he tries anything then he's an idiot and you can just leave.

Heh. if only I was up at that time in the morning ;)

- 07.01.2002 02:52 PM - Amber


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