She Was Made of Feathers and Green M&Ms
07:35 PM CST
I'm only to chapter eight in the Ya Ya book. I should read it in the daytime hours considering that around 5am, I'm sort've tired. I'm enjoying it so far though. I've been wanting to read that even before I heard about the movie; I just had a long list of books in queue already though. I still do. gaaah.
My mind has gone straight out the window ....I haven't eaten properly in days. Thursday I had to make my own food and ya know how that is - frozen dinner and some not homemade muffins (bwah!) from a package. Friday I had McD's fries and some cookies. I'm sure that was a realllly good move. my stomach is all bloated and gurgly lately. I think I'm sort've hungry, but no real motivation to eat more than I have to to survive. it must've been the illness (tm) ...the last time I was ill, I didn't eat right for months afterwards. that's also why I remained scarily anorexic looking for months. no one noticed though in public cause I wore baggy clothes and well, I wasn't extremely skeletor seeming...it was just my legs that I hated. I think that's the reason I hate them to this day though they look nothing like they looked when I was sick. even now, five pounds thinner, they are fine - unless I'm hallucinating. I sometimes fear that I hallucinate what I see in the mirror and really I'm hideous. people tell me otherwise, but I still have my doubts that I look okay. I look different each time I check, so the reason for the wondering. in mom's bathroom, I look deathly pale and seem to have more blemishes. in mine, I look nice and rosy cheeked with hardly a blemish there except the one above my eyebrow. that one is ugly. I picked it by accident last night and I didn't notice till I looked in the mirror and blood was trickling down from it.
Anyway, I should stop analysing myself. I'm only depressed if I no longer can fit into my clothes. that is all that should matter. as long as I still fit into them, I shouldn't worry about the weight loss. it's just that my New Year's Resolution was to keep at the same weight or gain. I did gain considering I was around 87 near December, but still 90 seems too low now that I've been used to gaining....I was worried that soon I'd not be able to fit in my clothes in the other sense of the word if I gained another pound, but I still would've been okay with the gain...bleh.
I did ask mom to get me a sub sandwich for dinner. it's not here yet. oh yes, one sandwich should help me gain a pound damnit!! uh, not really. it's funny how others are on diets or exercising to lose weight and here I am hoping I gain a pound! it's easy for them, it's not for me. I see it like this: their hoping to lose a pound is at the same spot as me hoping to gain a pound. both are difficult things. I sometimes wonder if somehow it's my metabolism and it'll slow down once I get older or if it's cause I don't eat enough calories. who knows. me eating two twix bars in a day is me being a pig ...bwah! today I ate nothing, but I had a drink. I'm so sure that has calories. mom better hurry up with my sub before I lose my appetite again.
I made another mix late last night. it's for the first trade I was supposed to do and never did. I s'pose it's okay for no real theme. they all end up having some theme in general by accident.
I cried alot this afternoon. I don't know why. I cried for being alone. I cried for the sun being out, but not wanting to go outside. I cried for losing concentration. I cried for the illness (tm). I cried cause I was crying and it was stupid. I'm through crying for now. all I want is my damn sandwich.
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I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I know all about crying jags...I've been doing my share of that....
Anyhooosss...keep an eye on yer mailbox....you should be in for a surprise if you haven't already..............
Keep yer chin up girlie!!!!
08:25 PM - Starcat
I just caught up on your journal yesterday - seems your life remains exciting in a dramatic way...hee!
and yeah, I'll be looking forward to that :D
I almost bought some anime last night, but decided to wait somemore. no anime since March still. scary.
[at least none I bought..heh]
02:03 AM - Amber
The package went out last Monday...insured...no less. Maybe the mail is slow on yer end....either that or I'm gonna whale on some idiot in the packaging store!!!!
Anyhooosss...hopefully it is in your posty today!!!
10:05 AM - Starcat
Yeaaah believe me, mail has been weird lately. I didn't get my check for June yet and it was sent June 2nd....it's weird since when I order from like amazon or jcrew, it comes in record time! it's just when someone sends me something personally, sometimes it doesn't get here for awhile or is sent back. I'm crossing my fingers that is not the case this time.
04:01 PM - Amber
Update: I GOT THE PACKAGE!!! good thing I opened the door :)
I had to sign for it!! I love it! thank you!!!!!!!!!
05:48 PM - Amber
see other discussion!!
10:34 PM - Starcat