Alright, the fuck fuck fucking is gone. no longer mad. the entry that *was* here before it disappeared and reappeared as fucks was abit too serious anyway. instead, I will tell you how today went...

05:29 PM CST

After waking up, thinking more doom and gloom, I kept sayin' mind over matter mind over matter, bladeblah...I WILL do something today instead of mope and say I will always be too weak! oh yes, pep talks are the best though I usually do put myself down as a weakling by the end and say "fuck you"

Anyway, after all the self beatings, I was able to start out the day well enough. the butterflies went away though I feel sore yet again cause I tense up alot when I freak out after my shower. then I got the laundry out, separated them into two loads then started on the first. by the time mom came back, I was smiling and cheery. she likes it when I appear to be overcome by happiness (ignoring the fact that song is sad ass). hm, so yeah, mom figured maybe we should go out since I was so accomplishing stuff I should've done daaaays ago. well, alright, I did do the sheets on Sunday, so I was semi-accomplishing stuff when I was still in illness remission. yesterday I fell off of it again though. I was so tired, I couldn't get my head to stay up. after talking to grandma then crying my eyes out, I went to bed not getting up till I had to brush my teeth at 5am. it was quite disappointing since I thought things had gotten better. I do believe it's all in my head. the tenseness and anxiety wears me out, so I do start to feel like I cannot make it through a day. for awhile, I wasn't panicking at all. that was basically what the entry that was here before was about. how I tense up so often, I cannot live. how it all started. how I can tell the difference between physical and mental and where they cross paths.

I do think that sometimes when my mind races and I tense up, it causes a physical reaction which makes me get out of control - it causes flu-like symptoms. then there are the times like when I found out I was lactose intolerant in 8th grade. I *knew* why I felt awful then. I'd even take a lactaid and go out back then cause the physical anguish wasn't enough to stop my life. my brain is what stops my life. okay, so yeah. I do think I have it figured out. I didn't even really exactly *know* when I started the original entry. I do sort've know now cause I *was* able to go out. I'm getting to that...


I complained about how I don't have any books to read and how annoying it is not to read at night. she suggested we go to B&N ...we just go and if I want to go home, we can do that. I put clothes on under the guise that I'd see how I felt once I was in real clothes. since I lost 5lbs in the last week, my pants do NOT fit without a belt. the belt made the outfit look stupid, so bleh. I need a new belt. I don't like wearing belts often and it's not like my pants will fall off cause I have hipbones, but erm, I don't like that feeling that they *could* fall off though I tugged and they stayed at the hip. bleh. it's all the illusion that they so could fall off!

After the clothing debacle, I put on my maryjanes and walked out to the car with mom. I kept telling her I felt sort've icky. like someone beat me up. my chest hurt abit like I had done some situps...weird. I think it's all that laying down, crouching and shaking I've been doing lately. I swear, anxiety is a work out all on its own! mom even mentioned how I had some muscle in my leg - weird, yo. tenseness's the secret to semi-strength. I'm stronger than I think. I am always able to stay in control by tensing up. it's a good thing I can.

Alright ...we drive's around 6:00pm or so....the sun is no longer out. it looked abit overcast. I kept focusing on the road. focus focus focus. mom said I could change the station if I wanted. it was on the Oldies station. I said I didn't want to listen to music considering no cd player...if it's not my music, I'd rather not listen. it would just get me more tense. I sat there tapping my foot against my leg, then fidgeting, playing with my hands feet were soaking wet after about five minutes.

We hit almost every red light. I was starting to yell "Damnit! frikkin' piece of crap!" cause ya know, I don't use actual curse words in front of mom. I *hate* red lights cause it means we're at a standstill...nowhere to run in either direction till the other cars go and the light turns green. I try not to focus on this though. I talk it out. I yell. I curse somemore. mom then laughingly admits, "and grandpa wanted you to board a plane??" I just sighed and said "hah...lindsey is more capable in her condition than I am considering I'm always feeling gross."

Mom brought up aunt jo jo's allergy/sinus complaints. apparently grandma mentioned she was being a pain when they were supposed to go somewhere recently. complaining about her stomach and not thinking she'd make it. I must be like her ..bwah. my sinuses were bugging me. that was half the problem right there. I kept wanting to dig my finger in there since I didn't have ear drops, but I refrained.

Once we got there, she insisted on parking at the end of the lot...I was like "uh..." she said we could walk. that was the last thing I wanted to do, but whatever. I said "whatever whatever...just hurry up and decide" since she kept sayin' "we could park a row up...or here..." bleh. the more decisions she gives me, the more I want to break something.

Once we got inside, the amounts of books overwhelmed me. I had forgotten what a wide selection they had. I wasn't sure where to look. we found the Harry Potter display, but I saw no box set. mom insisted we look in the children's section to see if they had any there or ask for help. I recall at Border's in Ohio when grandma sent a man to search for books off my list. I totally panicked there since that meant I couldn't leave till the guy searched for the books. it just really is better if I look, don't find then decide on another book then leave than it is to go through a wild goose chase where I end up in a corner in tears. alright, sooo I decline that mom get someone to help us and say "nevermind. let's look for Ya Ya" since I knew where the fiction section was and where everything was there though it still overwhelmed me since there were ALOT of rows. they had classic literature in with the modern, so it was confusing. I ended up finding the Bridget Jones's Diary and the follow up book (which was still in hardback) so I picked those up. I wanted to get this one book mentioned on CentralBooking, but I couldn't find that. mom did end up getting a guy to find Ya Ya while I was looking through the rows. I didn't notice, so I wasn't in a panic. I met up with her back on the last row, took the book, grabbed little altars since that was the other book that supposedly features the characters from Ya Ya and then we headed for the cash register.

Mom suggested I sit down while she pays since I hate waiting, but there was no line. I just decided it would be okay. I have $20+ left on my gift card. I told mom she could use it and I could buy Harry Potter online and just make up the difference later. it worked out I s'pose. now I don't have to be in a no-books-to-read frenzy. yay!

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don't go to red light districts then.

- 06.20.2002 05:03 AM - will


Hey, I'm not the one driving :P

Mom always takes *shortcuts* like down back roads ...we passed the fire dept and some doctors offices and all this stuff today...hrm. I don't recall us doing it that way before.

- 06.20.2002 05:45 AM - Amber


the world is a much safer place without you in the driver's seat.

- 06.20.2002 05:16 PM - will


Man oh man, I must've been tired last night! I didn't even notice I spelled my name wrong - I went in and edited cause that was embarasssing :D

As for that, HEY!!! ...I mean, oookaaay, I guess so ....I reallly wasn't *too* bad at driving ya know, but I still sucked. I at least drove in a straight line! hmph!

- 06.20.2002 06:58 PM - Amber


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