Do you ever wonder? ever think that you think too much? thinking can be the devil. I will tell you why...

Just a Pain In Your Ass Again
11:48 PM CST

Earlier this evening I was thinking (well, I never stop thinking, but that isn't the point), I recalled this boy in high school who supposedly liked me who I called Moon Webster ...well, I was told he wanted to be called Moon. the Webster bit? I don't know where that came from. I was thinking maybe it was his middle name. if so ...*laughs* anyway, Moon Webster was not my type. his friends kept harassing me in Biology, in the library and other various places around school where they'd find me. I was usually busy, too.

Once they sauntered in behind me while I was researching something in the library on valuable time; I had to finish in like half an hour. I was reading quickly and writing all this shit down. then here they come, bothering me. they told me that Moon was waiting for my call; he needed to hear from me so we could go out. I looked at them like they were insane. they gave me his phone number which had the word Moon written on it and stuck it in my binder. I was like, "uhh..."

The point of this thought? well, all crushes come back to the Moon Webster example. if I act anywhere near as annoying as his friends or him in the obsession debt., well, then I'm trying tooo hard. ya see, I see this as ridiculously crazy from a neutral position, but as soon as I'm the psycho obsessive one, it's not even noticed. now I have a rule - I will never ever be as weird as Moon Webster as long as I continue to crush. it shouldn't be so hard, right?

Hah! I recall eighth grade. he would always steal my lunch during first period. it was annoying. if I didn't bring my lunch with me, he'd steal my pens or pencils and I'd go chasing him around the room. that was the beginning.... I could tell this must be a crush since I had heard about it on tv, of course. the whole love/hate thing. make girl hate you by stealing stuff=girl instantly finds you attractive; you are noticed. uh yes. anyway, I didn't find this cute at all. I hated Moon Webster before I called him Moon Webster. I don't even remember his real name, that's how bad it was. when he got up in my face one day when we all lined up at the doors and spoke to me, he had the worst breath ever; it was so horrible, I had to hold mine to escape it. that was when I knew not only was he not my type, but he was icky, too.

Anyway, yeah, at least I can say I brush my teeth and well, I do not steal people's belongings.


I still cannot say I was the most normal person to ever crush in this land. the point is that all rational thought goes out the window once the crush is realised. the first crush I ever got was in eighth grade as well; it was on guy friend. what did I do at first? I chased him around the block while his brother tried to catch him for me, so I could jump him and do what I want with him. really I don't think he liked girls at that point. I seriously didn't. he said kissing was gross and that it involved people's *spit* and would you want people to spit in your mouth? at that point, I got grossed out and backed off for awhile. not for long though since I realised people didn't really *spit* in people's mouths...uh yes. I then knew he must just be trying to get me to back off. I continued to play games on him as I've mentioned various times, but the beginning, oh the beginning was torturous.

One day, my diary somehow got in someone's hands. I didn't write in it at all really besides the entry I said I *hearted* him, we'd get married in the future and have tons o' kids named 'his name' jr. seriously. I was odd. I don't even want to get married or have kids now, but whatever. this entry circulated around the eighth grade class. this girl had the entry. guy friend heard about it and he looked at me and told me he didn't think of me that way. I was too thin for him and therefore he'd break me (all egotistical). after that, he said we were too much like brother and sister and yeah, till I calmed down he didn't want to hear about it.

I recall when I went to the fat boy next door's house, guy friend wouldn't sit next to me. he kept moving whenever I'd move near him. then I got really fed up, ran inside my house and cried. by then, they were playing football across the street at Doug's house (some college guy we'd hang out with sometimes). mom went outside and told him he hurt me and made me cry. I came out later and he looked at me and said, "I made you cry?" I then looked at mom with this embarassed look, then back at him and said, "uh, no, I wasn't crying" and walked off. even then I took it like a trooper.

After I knew how he thought of me, it didn't stop though. oh no. as I said, that's when the games began. if he didn't know what I was doing, he couldn't stop me. I figured somehow if we were in the right moment, he'd all o' the sudden have a change of heart. he'd realise he liked me. I just didn't want anyone else cause well, I didn't have any other prospects. he was all I could see and well, technically the only one I *did* see out of school. he'd stay at my house every night playing video games when he should've been doing his homework.

Sometimes I wonder if I had moved on after the eighth grade humiliation, if I would've been a better person for it. I don't know. I certainly dug myself further in the dirt, but created tons o' memories and games. imagination is never something to regret ..bwah! sometimes I swear he had some feeling for me by the way he looked at me sometimes and how he'd play all my games. if I disliked someone or didn't like them in that way, I wouldn't wrestle them to the floor for twenty minutes at a time.


So, anyway, I do believe that's the way I have treated crushes since the beginning of time. it didn't matter what they thought of me. I just had to have what I wanted. I figured if I didn't try, who was I? a challenge is a challenge.

My first technical crush (though really I just liked having power over him) was in third grade. his name was Jonathan. I recall I'd tap him on the shoulder alot and tell him to raise his hand for me if I needed help with math. I had a D in math then. that teacher hated me. that was also the year I had to put my name on the board for *supposedly* poking that girl Eva in the eye. she was a bitch. okay, so anyway, I'd make him raise his hand for me. he did it everytime, so I figured he liked me or whatever. I don't know what I saw in him anyway besides the whole power trip. he had crusty bits around his glasses and it was reallly weiiird. he had that cute little boy look though if not for the crusty glasses.

Me and Teri would chase him to the buses after school, too. he'd run cause he was afraid I'd ask him to do something I bet. gah, I'm evil.


What have we learned? I'm evil. I'm annoying. I'm a pain in the ass. I don't give up. I'm sure you love me, right?

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