Scratched out beginnings and scratched out endings. what really matters? I think the aura surrounding me is tainted; seriously. I see a cloud of dark invisible shadows that follow me. no one can touch me.

Antisocial About It
10:17 PM CST

Hmmm... I should explain. I really should. I just don't know. yesterday I talked to grandma and grandpa. it was pleasant enough except what mom said grandpa said later. plus the whole dad having no common sense thing is back. that's what I initially wanted to talk about actually. we'll get back to that.

Apparently grandpa said that mom should get tickets, I won't be able to say no and then just never go back. wtf?? I'm not a child. if I want to stay here, I can do that. anyway, that isn't even relevant considering that mom doesn't want to move there either. she's lived there before and really would rather not go back where she started. I understand that. it's just rather odd that grandpa would go to such extremes to get us there. it's not like we're incompetant pieces of nothing scattered across a foreign land. hell, I've lived here since I was born. I have never had a desire to live in Ohio. not even once. I've had thoughts of not wanting to leave when I had to from summer vacation. I'd hide in the closet with lindsey, so they wouldn't find me and make me board that plane. really, it wasn't that I wanted to live there. I just didn't want to leave where the fun was at...I had fun playing around with lindsey and all of them. going back meant going back to school and that was always a bad word back then. anything that meant going back to a boring routine was horrible and I'd cry when I was put in the car waving goodbye. so, yes, this is probably why there were the dreams about me and lindsey rooming together in college in the distant future which of course isn't distant anymore since she is in college now. I'm not, but eh, things don't always turn out the way you picture them in daydreams. actually probably never or a .01% chance.

The point is that Ohio isn't what I pictured in daydreams. I just like the people I hang out with; not the place. I was really considering visiting for the summer, but I feel abit on edge about traveling. it would really be better if they visited here - then there wouldn't be worries about planes and new security. I used to get freaked out enough before when they hardly checked anything - I felt it was still a long wait. I don't know. I told them I'd "think about it" which is probably an "I don't know...I'd rather not" grandpa wants me to tell him when I want tickets and that can be my bday gift. really not a good idea. I don't see that as a gift. not at all. NOT that I don't want to see them, but I hate traveling as I said.


Now, onto the dad portion. apparently he was whining about his friends the other day and how they are assholes/jerks/whathaveyou. they invite him to dinner at expensive restaurants and make him pay for their meals. Suj actually ordered him crablegs since he knows how much dad likes them and dad doesn't have the money for such dishes!! he cannot refuse it seems. he wants to have the fun, but not the company apparently. doesn't make sense. he says he's broke yet he buys them dinners and pool games. he says he hardly spends any money and the IRS calls him about his credit or I don't know. he has alot to pay cause he didn't file his taxes last year...wha? I never know what shit he is in till mom clues me in.

She told him that if he had the money to buy some jerky friends extravagent things then he should be able to pay us or at least buy me food once in awhile plus a bday gift! he always can say NO to us it seems. I don't know. I think he is intimidated by his asshole drunken friends and feels they are always after his money which means that he cannot say no. they may just hurt him or mess with his computer files. he can say no to us cause we are not intimidating, right? that must be it.

He came over for dinner tonight. I didn't say anything mean really in terms of to him directly. I did act rather angsty when he asked me if I was excited about the big 2-1. I said "not really. sort've antisocial about it." and climbed on top of the counter facing the cabinets. I then said I should just get drunk and then dad laughed and said "yes, legally!" I'd rather not get drunk, but it's what I say when I feel things are ruined - what's left to do besides jump out a window?

Earlier there was this weird trash compactor-like mobile that said Whirlwind on it in big letters driving by on the main road - it made so much noise. it sounded like a plane or helicopter about to crash into the side of the house. it drove by twice. I told mom that it kills people back there and preys on the curious who look out their windows. a claw appears out of the top and grabs you. HAH! I bet she was thinking I was abit morbid.

So, yes, ruined ya say? yes, ruined. I feel it's ruined. I will be alone after my bday. no one will come over probably. I will buy my own gifts which is sort've fun, but still. today I wake up to find out these albums I ordered back on Thursday are out of stock - all except the Trembling Blue Stars one and that one was an impulse...I don't even know what's on that particular one. I just know it's sort've hard to get on amazon. I don't know whether to email and say to send that one or cancel the order or buy different albums I forgot to add to the order. I don't know. it seems screwy. I had a premonition last night things wouldn't go right. it seems things are not going right already. start of the week. feeling depressed as hell. too bad last week wasn't my bday. I was sort've cheerful then. probably cause I hoped for some fun.


I don't mean to be whiny, but really it's best if I don't expect anything. I had a very nice bday last year cause I didn't have any prospects (meaning I didn't like anyone), I got a gift from a stranger and I got most of what I wanted. I didn't even notice there wasn't a cake. I was cheerful as could be considered right.

I need to lower my expectations.

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Hee...i'm bad...I'm writing you from work now!!!! If anything...I'm just giving you a few birthday Happy Birthday...I don't want to forget...cause I'm prone to that!!!! Anyways, your present is going to be late...Bri and I are arguing what to get you!!! Plus, we have to wait until payday!
grrrr....well those the breaks I guess.

Big Hugs and Wet Sloppy Kisses!!!!! xoxoxoxoxox


- 05.15.2002 07:10 PM - Starcat


Plus, we can find out what you didn't get!!!! Heeeee!!!
Muhahahah!!!! Better planning.


- 05.15.2002 07:24 PM - Starcat


Where are you?!?!?!!?

come out and play!!!!!

See, I really don't want to work tonight!

- 05.15.2002 07:42 PM - Starcat


Bwah! I didn't expect ya to be commenting here ;)
was watching the WB shows...end o' Felicity forever next week. sad.

Anyway, yeah, I'll *probably* update tomorrow instead of tonight. nothin' goin' on right now and I figure then I could write what I got...yeah... :D

- 05.15.2002 09:03 PM - Amber


happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday, dear amber
happy birthday to you

- 05.15.2002 09:17 PM - starcat


Yeah, you'll never know where I will show up!!! Bwhahahaha!!!
Yeah, I forgot it was WB night!!!!!
Ugh...Bri has copied a few of the felicity shows for me...I haven't watched them yet but I'm itching to know what is going on....samething with dawson's and the gilmore girls... sucks to the max to work nights!!! Oh well!!!
I need to get a programmable vcr or something.

- 05.15.2002 09:20 PM - starcat


Hee! I watch all those shows :)

Yeah they're all pretty good right now, so at least you'll have something to watch at some point.

I bet it still sucks to have to work at important tv hours :P

- 05.15.2002 09:42 PM - Amber


Ack!!! Anyways,I'm ready to scream tonight. I'm ready to climb the be anywhere but work! Spring Fever in a big way I suppose. Plus, with my Sage here lusting after me isn't helping matters any. Ugh...I'm!!!! heheheh! I am

- 05.15.2002 09:43 PM - starcat


Yeah, it so sucks to work at good tv hours...
tell me is Rory doing with the tough guy???? I hoped she dumped dean!!!


- 05.15.2002 09:45 PM - starcat


Ack! I read about that Sage thing ...eep! keep strong :D

and yeah Rory went to New York on the last episode to see Jess cause he went back home...she hasn't dumped Dean yet I don't think. I wasn't paying big attention. she tells her mom why she went on the next episode.

- 05.15.2002 09:52 PM - Amber


Yeah, well, I saw Sage after work AGAIN last night...we have run off to Denny's and well things are firing up...

I can't explain it adequately...he is someone I am so very attracted to...and vice versa...the sexual tension here can cut it with a knife...the feelings have developed stronger and deeper...

I simply can't help myself. I don' t even know how to tell Soul how deep this has gone.

It's so intense here, it's scary!!!

- 05.16.2002 06:31 PM - starcat


Happy birthday!

- 05.16.2002 07:07 PM - David


p.s.....well that would explain why she missed her mom's graduation then, right? I saw a preview or something for that. interesting. About as nutty as my life is right now!!!

- 05.16.2002 07:38 PM - Starcat


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