So, tomorrow? is Mother's Day. the gift I ordered was just shipped yesterday. I told mom of the disappointing news since I thought I ordered with enough time to spare. bleh.

I Love It When You Buy Me Things
11:25 PM CST

Some may say gifts aren't the important thing and perhaps just acknowledging the day is good even without a gift on the way. well, I certainly know how I react on a certain day without a gift, soooo it's common courtesy even if mom didn't want one in the first place. I'll send an ecard off later and give her a massage tomorrow. massages make everything better. I wish I had a personal masseuse.

I don't seem to talk much about what mom means to me. really, I don't. she seems to think she's only good to have around for a joke now and then and perhaps dinner. she knows that isn't true. otherwise, I would've been perfectly happy at grandma's house for two months and I wasn't. in fact, the contents of that journal prove her meaning towards moi. almost each page talked about how much I missed her and how lonely and sad I was everyday. just sitting around reading the Tv Guide. it was truely pathetic how much time I spent in that back bedroom with that journal. I never ever ever fill up journals except when I used to copy my typed entries into journal books. not that time. that time I filled it up all handwritten almost each day. really, alot of those entries were good in a heartbreaking way. I forget how bad it was till I read it. the day mom came to pick me up that November, was almost like I hadn't seen her in years and was on a reunion show for Maury where he'd be in the background going "WOOOOW! WOOOOW MAURY! WOOOOW!" (mom and I have this joke that Maury likes to say 'wow' alot ...we add in the Maury bit to make him seem retarded and one who talks about himself in the third person. I don't know either) so yes, I recall, I took one look at her and then hugged so hard, I didn't want to let go. I had tears in my eyes. I didn't know I'd have that emotional of a reaction to her appearance, but I had almost forgotten what she looked like after so long though I tried to remember in thoughts at night to keep myself calm. I'd sit in the dark and pretend she was in the room off to the side where she used to sleep in the summers we'd visit.

Sometimes I feel very dependant on her for my sanity. I don't know how I'd be able to live on my own ever if I cannot even practically live in Ohio around those I'm accustomed to year after year. I guess if I knew I could see her when I want that would be okay, but I don't see myself ever leaving this state. the idea of moving to Ohio even turns me off greatly. I used to talk to lindsey about going off to Miami, but those were just little daydreams. I figure with her around, things would be great.

At one point, I didn't depend on mom so often. that was around the ages of 15-16. when I'd get home from school, I'd get phonecalls from Teri and run errands with her most days and nights. even when she was out of the picture to do things with, I went places with dad. if he got free tickets to something, I'd tag along. I'd go to get movies and food. it was better than sitting at home meandering about I guess. really, I don't know how I got from one point to the other. to feeling slightly independant in the 'not being able to drive, but having friends who can' way to the dependant 'holed up in the corner of the room not knowing what to do with myself and not wanting to do anything' way. now I'm somewhere in the middle. not liking the idea of doing nothing, so I find stuff to do with my time even if it involves stepping outside to read for entertainment, but not to the point of wanting to be out 24/7 with whoever is available. I'd actually call people after school if no one called me. what a revelation. I wasn't afraid then of being turned down or that I'd change my mind. I don't get it.


I've veered off course abit. I was talking about mom and her meaning in my life. I think of her as the one who I find comfort in. the reason I want to stay alive. the one who I know I can count on even if she doesn't think she's doing shit. the one who does so much that is creative and nags me for my opinion; I may whine, but I'd miss it if she didn't ask me. the one who provides food and conversation. so much humour and jokes till I'm laughing in the corner (recently: IIIIII AMMMMM THE GOOOOOD OF HELLOOOO!!! Hello, and how are you? IIII AM THE GOD OF HELLLLFIIIIIRAAAH! Hand me a lightah...I am all that is are NOT! -sidenote- she scared me that day in a funny way cause of the crazy look in her eyes; I wanted to toss some miracle water on her to stop the insanity)...without her, I bet my life would be bleak. more bleak than I could ever want to imagine or want to remember from fall 99 and she was just far away then. anyway, happy mother's day! and to all, to all a good erm, Martha Stewart-esque time! ...whatever.


The completely offtopic bit is coming up! ....nougetts? they are the DEVIL! I don't ever want another nougett's that white creme stuff in certain chocolates. mom made me try a reese's fast bar or I don't know...whatever it is. it was peanut butter, chocolate and nougetts. it was too sweet and made me feel nauseous. eep! just a warning to those curious.

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