Since the last entry, I've felt atad guilty. well, enough to think that the perviness was getting abit out of hand since I'm all about cuteness and being reserved. therefore, I've decided till at least my birthday I will not think one naughty thought or at least, not get turned on towards them.

You Can't Resist
11:17 PM CST

Right now it's working out quite nicely. yesterday I thought about math formulas.

Of course, at squishettes I saw that it is apparently National Masturbation Month....uh, I have never heard of such a thing, but now it seems quite weird for me to just say "I will completely abandon that sort've talk...null and void." when everyone else is like "hell yeah!" okay, sooooo really one *could* and just not think about anything, but still. that seems like cheating. my birthday is next week anyway, so who cares.

Lately emotion is still there, but in a way where I'd rather have someone to love. that always sucks cause I find it impossible to love anybody except family (well, not in a realistic way) and even some of them can be difficult. love just doesn't happen if I want to feel it. I've realised that. I cannot just say the words to make someone care. no. I'm without a solution, so I'll try to block my mind completely. what was that again? a pythagorean triple?


Yesterday, as I wrote on livejournal, dad had some big experience in this bar the other day. mom told me he called her on the phone and told her about it. he was looking for Debbie and K's (now known as keroppi/kerpash cause I have no idea) new club when instead he wandered into a bar behind this building. this young woman was there and he spoke to her - I forget if she worked there or just hung out there. he thought she was around my age, but found out she wasn't; she was 27 and got engaged recently. it got on the subject of me, I guess, cause of the age thing since dad always has to bring me up though I never even think to mention him unless someone asks. well, she said that out of high school, she stayed in her house for two years. never left. she was hospitalised for a year, but now is doing very well for herself. who knows how. dad mentioned that I should talk to her and she thought that was a good idea; that mom must find a way to get me to meet her (the woman) at the bar. mom was hesitant, of course, cause wtf? dad mentioned that it was like "god" led him to the bar and ya know how I feel about religion. there are PLENTY of people with problems resembling mine, but furthermore, I was never really that bad. right after I got my diploma, I went on a trip if everyone has forgotten. the not leaving didn't start till November 99 when I came back though I was slipping abit when there.

Well, dad thinks that talking to this woman will get me on "the right path" ...who's to say what is right? bah! I was semi-curious, but I don't want to talk to a random woman in a bar about my problems that I don't even talk to family about on normal occasions. it seems too sitcom-esque. maybe if we met for coffee and just chatted normally, maybe that would be okay. I just hate dragging up my problems to anyone. it makes me seem weak and for one thing, if I was over there in the first place, I'd be worrying about keeping calm and the one thing that would NOT would be talking about what's making me rattled in the first place.

Dad's quite funny sometimes. really. he cracks me up till I'm rolling on the floor in a ball of apatheticness.


Now that I've gotten the sarcasm over with, I spoke to lindsey last night. she thinks I should come visit for the summer since if she gets a job, it would be alot easier for me to be there. I don't know about that really. I don't like being without the net for too long and it's not like just cause I can step out without wanting to die immediately, that I'd want to do all that we've done before. this makes me hesitant that it'll be like the last visit where I cried alot. well, maybe not to that extreme, but maybe enough that I'll be bored, I might get yelled at at least once, and they'd leave me home while they went on daytrips to the mall. I don't know. I feel that I doom most things to hell with my pre-thoughts on how it'll be like when maybe if I was optimistic about it, my body would react accordingly and not fall apart upon first contact of something out of the ordinary (at least in this timeframe since if it was any other summer it wouldn't be).

I had a dream this morning that might be symbolic. lindsey was visiting me instead somehow, and we were standing on the front stoop, but it didn't look like my street. there was tons of wind and debris. rain splattered about on the ground and trees were ripped out. there was a late warning of a tornado. we had to get out of there, so we boarded up the car with the stuff we could salvage; the stuff that didn't get soaked with the torrential rain. the guy from The Bachelor was there for two seconds. I was the winner and looked at him, then hopped in the car with lindsey and we were off to the freeway. soon enough, I pulled out this Merton doll (from The Big Wolf on Campus that shows on Fox Family) and showed lindsey. I told her to call it Bauhaus. hmm. I looked later for any merchandise and no dolls. bah! I was hoping it was a premonition that I should have one and then well, everything would be pieced together!! soooo, we're driving to the airport and all I see are blurred red lights on my side of the window and rain pouring down. I think about how strange this all is and how different things are as we get closer and closer. soon enough, the bus (we're on a bus now?) says this is the last stop and I see the road that leads to the airport and me and lindsey stand in the rain with what's left of our things wondering what to do. that's it.

I have no idea what that represents, but mom told me when I told her about it that she heard on one show that people are dreaming of tornadoes more frequently lately. weird.


So, the guest may come the weekend after this coming one. that should be interesting though it's like a day after my bday and well, I'll be all alone. I've never had that happen. I guess it's better than on my actual birthday. I should be getting money rolling in and well, I have to pay my host soon, but the rest I shall spend frivolously cause I can. "birthday week" is free week.

Right now I'm waiting for the laundry to be done and it's so unbelievably hot in here. my hair is sticking to my neck. augh. I'm going to stop typing while I drink HOT TEA. I never make sense.

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