Sometimes I consider myself a falsity of my true self. I don't know - perhaps the fact that the way I write is quite different from the way I talk - well, to a degree. I don't talk like I'm writing an essay when I just have a regular conversation. I'm sure most people find they do the same thing though.

I Stare Too Much and Too Long
11:25 PM CST

Dad called this afternoon and I realised this is the first time in awhile I've talked on the phone with anyone. I was in a daze cause my head was killing me and my throat was raw. I couldn't raise my voice if I wanted to, so I just sort've spoke in monotone and quietly. he mentioned calling David (I forget what relation he is to us, but we've seen him perform at various restaurants in past summers plus dad plans golf trips with him and some others) to make plans for this coming summer. he also tried to persuade grandpa into visiting again. now there's another reason for grandpa to stay over there besides the boys needing work. someone is about to die ....whenever I think about funerals and death, I realise my mortality.

When I told mom this, she said that he (the one who is dying ...I know who, but figure I shouldn't say direct names in this for karmic reasons perhaps) was on his last leg and most thought he'd be gone a couple xmas' ago and he made it. I guess she was trying to reassure me that people are strong for the most part and I shouldn't worry about death. no one close to me has ever died. I only briefly saw this particular person, so I guess it won't affect me much. I seriously hope I don't have to go through losing someone important soon. I've thought about that alot ever since I had the dream where grandma died. I think of that as bad karma. eep! good thing she is well for now.

Dad's dad did die my senior year and that sort've hurt, but we didn't visit them often. only sometimes we'd drop off gifts during xmas and not since I was small anyway. I turned down alot of lunches/dinners with them cause I wanted to spend time with lindsey or I felt like watching tv instead. I sort've felt abit bad about that and I think that's why I was upset in the first place, when dad got the call about it, he looked in pain, so I hurt, too. it was hard to make it through school that day - I recall in English class right before lunch, I almost cried. I had to hold it back. I recall perfectly - we were doing group work and I was kneeling on the floor with them ...they didn't feel like starting right away and were gossiping instead. I thought back to the other day since the gossip didn't concern me and got realllly sad. it's hard for me to hold back when I want to cry, but I did. so, yes, that's the closest I ever came to knowing how it feels when someone dies.


Anyway, I went off on a tangent. dad and I spoke abit longer, but only to account for the time it took mom to do what she was doing and talk to him. it ended with me saying how I like to wear pants and not shorts for the most part. he asked why and I told him because of my legs - everyone knows that - and he said why and I said cause I don't like the way they look ...they look better in pants since it hides the ickiness of my ankles and all that....blech. he sure asks why alot I realised. I sometimes want to ask him why he asks so many questions - sounds quite like a curious child to ask 'why' so often - though that would be sort've contradictory.


In the Lifestyle section of the Sunday Houston Chronicle, there was an article on Trading Spaces. apparently sometime this month, they will be airing an episode in the Woodlands - that'll be exciting! I've been there before ...the prettiest mall EVER is there! not that I've been in forever, but I hold it at the top of my list of malls I've been to that I recall. the galleria I guess comes in second ...I liked the galleria III section ...that area through the debt store? there's a jewelry store with this particular ring I'd always go stare at intently; hands pressed against the glass in awe of its shine. I've wanted it forever. it cost $500. I decided if I was to get a proposal I'd take that ring since it's cheap for an engagement ring; probably cause it's not; it's just a regular ring. I'd take it though cause it's the prettiest I've seen. I don't expect any proposals though. tangent over.. - Frank lives in the Katy area. that's surprising. I make fun of Frank so often. a lady apparently saw him at Lowe's and fainted. hrm.


Speaking of love - which we weren't exactly - I'm wishing for it again. I think it's this weather. the sun stayed out for the longest since DST started and it was a pleasant surprise. I walked more and was bouncier. I think my depression is seasonal. I certainly don't get as depressed when the sun is shining. I have to really have a direct reason to be depressed then. anyway, I never had love really. I just want it want it want it. or well, touch would work fine. I just go to bed thinking about it. how much better I'd feel if someone would just hold my hand or cuddle. damnit. is that so hard to ask? probably it is since I'm so frikkin' hard to deal with.

Sometimes I think that if I had to choose between tons of presents and just a nice massage and cuddle session with someone I like for my bday I'd choose the latter. damnit damnit damnit. I must not ruin the bouncy mood. I will stay upbeat if it kills me! I'm just sayin' it would be nice. not that I'll die without it.


Another Victoria's Secret catalog came in the mail; they come about twice a week at least. a waste of paper methinks. anyway, there are these cute cherry pj pants in there. I suggested them to mom as another suggestion for my bday. I will die from a pile of pjs consuming me when I open the closet one of these days, I swear. pj death ...hee!


Ordered the book yesterday, by the way. the one I was waiting to buy. this is it till my bday. I really mean it.

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Cherry pants! I want some cherry pants! *rushes home to sort through the massive stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs laying on the table*

- 04.11.2002 04:09 PM - Cookie


Hee! I thought you'd already know about them :)
I'll soon call you queen of the cherries :P

- 04.11.2002 06:22 PM - Amber


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