06:55 PM CST
So, I went to my room in a huff earlier cause I felt the need to collapse and cry. this happens alot during a bad falling ....I really hate it when I feel like I could die at any moment. anyway, I looked around me and thought, "I cannot let myself get like this. I must rearrange the shelves or I won't rest!!" mom hears the thumping of books onto the floor in stacks and is like wtf?
I look up from the piles surrounding me and say, "Could you undo the knobs, so they can be moved a few notches down?" we did this to each shelf except for the one in the very middle since it was the stabiliser. it couldn't be moved since it was bolted in. mom had to hammer some of them in since they were loose. overall it turned out well enough though I didn't estimate the order of where I wanted the books well enough. the ones for paperbacks are like two rows inbetween the hardback row which makes it hard for alphabetising. I'll figure that out later though. perhaps I can stick the paperbacks on the row that I can doublestack once I have enough. I'm unsure.
After allll the shelves were put in, they got dusted off and mom dusted my tv and windowsill for me. I took all the knicknacks off and only kept the essentials. now, my room looks pretty damn bare, but breathable which is the important thing. those knicknacks served no purpose at all.
Now, I still feel like dying and mom went off to get us a frozen pizza for dinner. I can't even think about food. I'm shivering, can barely stand myself up straight and want to go lay down, fall asleep and wake up when I feel alright again (this was a long contorted sentence...hrm...cannot think of what's wrong with it). I feel weak alot lately. I'd hate to think I pms almost all the time and then I fall for the other part. sometimes I wish I was someone else during these sucky times.
Grandpa isn't coming afterall in case I didn't mention he was thinking about it near Easter. he says he has to get work for the boys before he can take time off since he doesn't think they can get their own painting jobs if he's away. mom and I argued about this - the fact that two late 20 somethings cannot be motivated without grandpa there to look for them seems rather odd. I mean, sure he helps us, but we're family (though mom brought up later that they were grandpa's nephews; still, I don't know... I sure hope that when I'm somewhere between 26-29, I don't need help getting work). I don't know. I just think if he keeps doing it, of course they aren't going to look themselves later. what will they do if grandpa were to retire or if he were to fall ill? would they just quit working? I don't know. it's a mute point anyway since it's not even my business. I just felt the need to rant about it when mom brought it up. I sometimes like to rant about other people, but of course I would never bring it up to their faces.
Since I'm losing the motivation to type (my entries suck when I feel like death), I should go pass out, but I just wanted to write something. I feel useless when I don't write. I've been dreaming alot, too. last night's dream involved a gym, a swimming pool, some bathrooms and a department store. I was having probs getting something out of me - I don't know...a tampon I think since I was embarassed when there were too many people in the bathrooms. I didn't want them to know what I was trying to do. it was an unnerving dream at best. blech.
Finished the third Adrian Mole book last night and cried when they found his son's diary which said "I wood like to be dad" or something (the saddening point, even more than the sentence at hand was that the son had trouble reading and writing before, so it was a big step and the fact that he started a diary with his new knowledge...aww). gah. I cry at everything. I was sniffling as I put the book back on the shelf in the dark...shuffle shuffle shuffle sniffle snort whaaah. I need to control myself.
Oh yes! I recalled yet another dream just now while my brain is functioning (it goes in spurts; I can never have it function when I want to write an entry lately; I don't get that ...I can talk for hours in coherant sentences to mom all day) ....Carlos was in it and we were in the back of some van with lindsey in the parking lot at the mall. I was on top of him sort've ...not in an erotic way, but stuck like that was the only way for us all to fit - it seemed silly. he soon heard his phone ring (he didn't have a phone back then) and said he was thinking of another girl he liked alot. I got entirely too jealous as I saw him looking up at the ceiling sighing in ecstacy or memory of this particular girl. I got up and wanted to cry cause in the dream I still liked him. I don't know what it is about dreaming about ex-crushboys like that ...it probably means someone I crush now is about to dislike me knowing how things go. either that or I'm having low self esteem due to my writing style, my need to do things, but my body refuses to do them, the way I cannot get any guy. perhaps it is all my weaknesses tied into one dream over how I used to like that boy for three years and all he did was tease me, come to my house and take stuff. I'm still mad that he took our (Teri and I) radio show tape. the best one where we talk about the Packers and I get shot, then we do horrorscopes. damnit, that was the best radio show tape EVER!
Spring cleaning makes my nose run.
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